Just the Job, Mr President

'President Cyril Ramaphosa has called on businesses in the country to remove prior work experience requirements for job positions, in a bid to boost the employability of South Africa’s job-seeking youth.' - from a news website 

Dear Mr Ramaphosa 

I really like your proposal. I'd like to take you up on it. Consider this as taking one for the country.

I am realistic about having to start at the bottom. The Sports Ministry would suit me fine, as I am an ardent Sharks supporter. Ditto for the Springboks and the Proteas. I even watch Bafana on the rare occasions that they go beyond the first round of any competition.

Second prize would be Arts and Culture. I am a bit of a culture vulture and I like the KZN approach, which apparently once involved downing R6000 worth of booze at a function  - very artistic, very cultured. Hard work but someone has to do it. 'If it is to be, then it is up to me'. (William Johnsen).

Your own job would be safe for now. (Or until Mr Zuma or Mr Malema  or Hlaudi could well mould your seat of power to their powerful bottoms).

I cannot claim to qualify as a youth. In a parliament filled with persons glowing with youthfulness, that could be a challenge. I am sure we can get around that, as we get around corruption, criminality and everything that stands in the way of the Revolution. And progress.

At any rate, I can sleep with the best of them (in the purest sense of the word). I also have a talent for bulls..., I mean, bold public speaking. 

I am not entirely without experience, having worked in a creche and a circus in my long, undistinguished career.

To be mentored by the ANC's intellectual giants would be marvellous. There's Fikile Mbalula who fu..., sorry, fixed up so many ailing departments (damn these almost identical English vowels).  I would love to sit at the feet of the minister who landed in Geneva, bypassing Switzerland. (I'm trying to bypass Zimbabwe, on the way to Harare). Only in the ANC is such wisdom and experience to be found. Where else could one learn of carrying medicine in the head, smallanyana skeletons, crime detection by tattoos, firepools?

Mr Ramaphosa, why not build on your idea? We could cut out work altogether and just pay. I know that that approach has already been pioneered in parliament. Let's push the brown envelope further. Granted, it would be unfair to say that all politicians don't work at all. There's arduous, demanding stuff to be done:  strenuous dinnners, gruelling business class flights, unveiling of taps, foreign shopping, reading off speeches and complex numbers.... Lord, I feel weary just listing some of these.  If you think this a joke,  you try shopping for products with labels in a foreign language.

I need to mention, sir, that I have extensive experience in modern banking practice, combined with knowledge of the very latest in furniture fashions. I'm not sure how, but that may be useful down the track.

Yours in the struggle for shortcuts to the top.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Transparent Corruption

We all know that Africa was a  corruption - free, peaceful, thriving continent until the colonialists arrived. Okay, so there was the odd war, but these were fought in friendly, amicable fashion. (In fact, the term 'friendly fire' originated here, after a chieftain set his neighbour's house on fire, during a friendly cattle raid).

I acknowledge the research of Twitter historians and several reliable, unbiased ANC and EFF politicians for the above historical background. We now know that colonialists brought syphilis, Covid, corruption, gender-based violence and much more to our tranquil shores. Having introduced us to corruption and its succulent fruits, said colonialists then tried to snatch it away by introducing unjust anti-corruption laws and a deceptive judeo-christian moral code. Also patriarchy and other bad stuff.

Nonetheless, we took to corruption as a duck takes to water or ecoli to the Durban coastline. Perhaps Ms Zille was right in saying (reportedly) that colonialism had its benefits (or something equally profound).

I was very glad this morning when someone suggested that companies build in budget to accommodate the, no-doubt, righteous and reasonable, requirements of the construction mafia.  It's time we were pragmatic, realistic and transparent about our most successful business model and business activity. Doesn't government already do that (build in capacity) for various projects? With great success?

It's time that we brought corruption out of the shadows and Eskom-inspired darkness. And gave it its rightful place in our national life. We do it well. What's to be ashamed of? Some of my best friends are rotten, thieving bastards.

We need to get corruption into the school curriculum. I know that we already have it in other spheres in education. I can't recall any recent scandals, though. I'll check with Dr Blade.

I see such challenging, thought provoking modules in the syllabus as:

Ethical considerations in conducting corrupt business 

Creative accounting and the alternative balance sheet

A history of successful corruption through the ages

Einstein's theory of relativity applied to corrupt activity 

The corruption theme in Shakespeare's works

I feel a rising excitement. We could become world leaders in the transparent corruption 'space'. 

Oh, hang on, aren't we already....

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Venom

After David Teeger was removed as captain of the under-19 South African cricket team,  one of our many, bright Twitter philosophers made the scintillating  observation that:

 "The child of a snake is a snake",

First sir,  we bow to your superior first- hand knowledge and experience of the ways of snakes. You are clearly steeped in such mysteries. One might respond that the child of a brainless buffoon is a brainless buffoon. It is quite likely, though,  that your own parents are sensible,  courteous people. They are probably grieved at the what you have become. They probably know that being a Mensch means treating people the way that you would like to be treated. It also means being sensible about commenting on people or matters that you know little or nothing about. Therein lie the seeds of the racism and discrimination that so offend your sensitive soul.

   

Of course if you are of the self- flagellating  self - hating order, that does present difficulties with following the golden rule. How kak must your life and lack of self- respect be to spend your days vomiting bile on social media?  Lately X has been teeming with your fellow snake poison philosophers and commentators. What on earth are you guys eating, drinking or smoking that you should be so miserable? Come on man, you're going to do yourself an injury. There's more to life than lying in the grass like a fat puff adder, waiting to inject your venom into the first pale foot that dares tread nearby.

Of course, you might fling the 'kak life' accusation back at me. I just thoroughly enjoy pointing out the rich talent in the room, which might otherwise  go unnoticed or unchallenged. What the heck, let's celebrate your valiant, uniquely South African struggles against the ghosts of van Riebeeck, Apartheid and other real threats to the revolution.

If you are really so concerned about justice and equity, do something more useful than spewing whatever you're feeding on into the twittersphere. Go help someone. Lots of people in South Africa do just that. Or you could write something (seeing as you are a person of letters) vaguely useful. But please to engage brain before speeding off. Used brains are more in demand in South Africa than the no-mileage models.

Ah, but of course, this is all racist, colonialist nonsense that trivializes the lived experience of the black child. Right? What shade of child thinks and writes this is immaterial. White tendencies, bloody agents, Uncle Toms, house negroes, sellouts - these are at the root of your unbearable misery. I feel for you, snake expert. The sensible thing is to ignore your flatulence and that of your ghoul club. But hell, you are as repulsively fascinating as a nest of fat, hissing reptiles (sorry, Durban snake chap).

Some members of your sad Whatsapp group have been complaining about lack of 'white support' for the national football team. They bitterly contrast it with support for the Springboks. And they, of course, have the latest stats on support by shades of paleness or tan? That sounds so ludricrous, doesn't it? Just enjoy your soccer and your Castle Lite man. Leave people alone. Let's cut to the chase: they play kak. Most of the time. I, for one, don't see the passion and determination of a Kholisi, Etzebeth, Miller or every other Springbok and Protea player. I don't see it in our soccer players. It truly seems to be a case of separating the men from the bafanas. Perhaps I'm as biased as you are when it comes to Bafana.. Or perhaps you snake experts should just grow up.

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

No Use Crying Over Spilled Beans, Comrades

In Durban, rampant crime continues, with a CIT - Chow in Transit - heist. 

This from a tweet:

"Tonight a delivery driver in Durban was robbed of his pizza at gun point...." 

The president and I are shocked. Incidentally, Mr President,  thanks to you, I understand at last Hamlet's reference to the 'thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to'. You've had them all, haven't you sir? If only Miss Gray, my old English teacher, were still around.

Mr Cele is apparently preoccupied with a different food challenge. He has invited Mr Zuma to go ahead and spill the beans he has been hugging to his bosom these many years. And threatens to spill at intervals. He is not the only comrade who has threatened to scatter the beans abroad.

You comrades do realize that this makes you accessories after the fart..., sorry, fact, don't you? Even Mr Ramaphosa reportedly  spoke of sooner falling on his mkhonto than revealing the dark deeds of various patriots. The smallanyana skeletons may not be so smallanyana after all.  Fine example, gentlemen and ladies. It may explain in part why we have become such a lawless people that even a thin crust in transit is not safe. 

One can imagine the poor delivery guy trying to hand over his cellphone, only to be nudged in the ribs with a gun barrel.

"We want the pizza, now".

Were these the most unsuccessful villains in the country, to sink so low as to steal a pizza at gunpoint? Was it the topping that tempted them beyond endurance? 

A great advertising opportunity for the smart pizza person:

"Pizza to die for!"

After downing my R6000 booze allowance at a KZN Arts and Culture function, last year, I wrote this:

'Two South African businessmen walk gingerly down a steaming, hot Durban sidewalk in their Calvin Klein undies.

"They got you too, Mark", says one, briefcase arm dangling uselessly'.....

(https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2023/02/the-clothes-off-our-backs.html)

When I'd, er, rested, I cringed at how silly and fanciful it was. Well, not so silly or fanciful after all. 

Mr Cele, Mr Ramaphosa and comrades: while you squabble over beans and which came first, the ANC or the Mkhonto, brazen criminals are snatching the takeaways out of our mouths. 

How shithole does a country have to be to have food in transit heists carried out by armed villains?

Gentlemen, please pack for polling season.

You have outlived your uselessness for far too long.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Parties of Substance

Dear Fellow South Africans 

I appeal to you to make rational, sensible voting choices, as I do.

I'm currently in Cape Town and can't wait to get back to decolonised Hillbrow. I miss evening walks, redolent with the mingled fragrances of marijuana, blocked drains and gently maturing garbage. I yearn for the musical  sound of young voices cursing, screaming, laughing drunkenly.

What has the governing party done here besides provide a safe, clean, functioning city? Nothing, I tell you. The colonized city surrounds dissuaded me from taking a hit from the nip bottle in my jacket. I had a miserable time, those do-gooder, Lesufi-type public safety people watching everything. 

I attended a DA meeting. Nothing to see there. There were  boring speeches about plans to grow employment and the like. The dancing was atrocious. Not one decent insult or imaginative threat to fan the fire in one's blood.

In pleasant contrast was the meeting  where the CIC's growls, yells, threats and insults raised the gooseflesh on my arms. So moved and excited was I, that when I woke from a brief power nap, I yelled out 'Sieg Heil!' Got it all a bit confused with a documentary I'd been watching on YouTube, while listening to the speech. I quickly lowered my right arm when people turned to stare. Now that's campaigning, compatriots! The campaign promises were the stuff of sweet, shining dreams.  No half measures there.  I can't wait to get my hands on one of those wine estates. 

It was hard to choose between that meeting and the MK one that I also attended. I like to keep my options open and, in some parts, having several party cards could save one from the odd bollocking. Mr Zuma's voice soared gloriously, as he sang the poignant, timeless classic about military ordinance. I'm not sure what MK is about apart from sorting out Abelungu and the ANC. Who cares? Damned good singing and dancing. If that isn't good electioneering, then I don't know what is.

So, you see, for me it's all about competence and integrity. Can the candidate make a goosebump-raising speech? Can he / she / they hold a tune? Is the dancing faithful to tune and rhythm? Are the slogans memorable, the promises big, bold and brassy? 

Colourful T-shirts, nutritious Streetwise Two packs, braai aroma wafting on the breeze - now that's the sort of political party that gives me confidence in the future.

It's a no-brainer.

Yours in the struggle for sensible voting choices.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Just Limericks

An SG named Mbalula 

Talked firepools and a past ruler

Some thought him most cool

Others dubbed him 'damned fool'

And his comrades wished he would thula

You can't keep a good man down

Some say it's the same for a clown

He was thought to be dying

But for glory he's vying

With MK, he's stickin' aroun'

You could lose your grants says Cyril

So vote someone else at your peril

That's dodgy as hell

But of course it'll sell

Just the same as the usual hog swill

On X you can lose your sanity

It seems the dregs of humanity

Here gather like flies

Not much edifies

Just curses, threats and inanity 

Like vultures to a grim feast

From the north, the south and the east

Politicians descend 

Perhaps it's the end

As they chow up what's left of the beast

A philosopher named Dr Ace

Left the ANC in disgrace

He formed his own party

Intellectual and arty

Now with MK he's up for the race

Malema's been called a flip-flopper

But in some things he is very proper 

In insulting consistent

In marching persistent

Said to be a discerning shopper 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bafana and Buffoonery

Watching Bafana last night amble their way listlessly to the accustomed thrashing,  this came to mind. Bafana are a truly South African soccer team. 

They represent so much of what makes us such an interesting country. Has coach Hugo Broos explained to the team that soccer, at its most fundamental,  is about scoring goals? And keeping them out at your end?

We expect the same of our government. A layman's take on some of those goals: to build a safe country where people can hope, dream, do. Do their best and give of their best  for their communities,  their country,  their continent  and ultimately  their world. 

In winning countries, people build, contribute, create (the tangible and the intangible). In losing countries, people destroy, burn and break. Three guesses as to which team category we fall into. Bafana failed us last night. Our government fails us dismally daily.

Bafana fiddled in the middle and often seemed at a loss as to what to do differently. Sound familiar? Our government and our politicians also fiddle, like Nero, passing around insults threats,  and hopelessly improbable promises. The goal posts stand desolate,  a long way off. 

A commentator praised our diski skills, so often on display in the PSL (before Bafana started to implode). That is the problem. We need to play football not diski. This is not the Premier League. This is the African Cup of Nations. Dear politicians, you too, in your limited imaginations, are stuck in a little league. Flashes of diski in the international arena and on other stages do not score goals. It's a much bigger competition that we are playing in.  There's much more at stake.  Think survival  think national security in its broadest sense,  think generations to come. 

The ball skills of our players are, at least, a joy to behold. Your diski, political people, is the most unattractive, useless thing to behold. 

The name Bafana is a most unfortunate one. Perhaps a dreary, self-fulfilling prophecy. Our team is indeed like a bunch of boys who have wandered into the big pitch where adults play. Ditto for our government.

Our contribution to Africa and the world should be much, much more  than dining out on the glories of struggles past. "The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on..." (Omar Khayyàm). Bafana lack urgency, passion and ideas. So too, do our government and politicians. Mr Broos,  please teach the team that they need  to do things differently when pushing the ball around the middle, the back and back to the goalkeeper is not working. It's too late to teach our government that. Pushing the clichès, slogans, insults and blame around is all that they have done their entire, inconsequential political lives.  We need a new team now.  

Our defense in both games is caught napping often.  One can mention last night's game, the 2021 unrest, chaos at the borders and much more. To quote someone, 'we never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity'. We also never miss an opportunity to stuff it up. Last night's missed penalty and almost 30 years of squandered opportunity attest. We are starved of goals.  At least where Bafana are concerned they are able to show off some sparkling ball skills.  With each attempt at showing off their diski skills, our politicians sink deeper into a morass of incompetence, corruption and buffoonery. 

We the people of South Africa are choked with  disappointment, frustration and the anger that follows betrayal . We don't need substitutions. We need a team that understands the game and can actually play. One of our PSL teams is fondly nicknamed Abafana bes'Thende (very loosely, 'boys of the heel'), in praise of their skills. Should we not fondly nickname you politicians Abafana beSisu (boys of the stomach), in praise of your skills?

Many, many of you politicians do not belong on the pitch. Time to hang up your muddy boots. 

I've seen calls on social media for you all to f..k off. So rude. I'd suggest that you all quietly piss off, instead.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723