The Clothes Off Our Backs

 Dear Mr Cele 

Two South African businessmen walk gingerly down a steaming, hot Durban sidewalk in their Calvin Klein undies (shorts, for our American friends).

"They got you too, Mark", says one, briefcase arm dangling uselessly.

"Took my bloody cricket tie, too", Mark mumbles disconsolately.

"At least they left you your socks. Sodding pavement burns like a stove".

Mark fishes a water bottle out of his Calvins. 

"They missed this", he says brightening a little. "Congratulated me on being so well, er, you know..."

His companion politely declines the proffered drink.

You read it here first. The next trending criminal fad. And who do you have to thank,  jingled the merry advert. After public funds, cash in transit, cellphones, pensioners' pittances and even solar panels off roofs, what will be left to steal but the clothes off people's backs? Clothes in Transit heists. But be of good cheer, we do know who is ultimately responsible  - WMC, Stratcom, apartheid and that old devil in Dutch garb, Jan Van Frigging Riebeeck. I'm sure that the EFF will be laying a charge at the nearest, unrobbed police station.

Just last night, our local library was robbed of every computer used by students and others. I don't have to tell you what the chances are of their being replaced anytime soon. Or of the thieves being collared. Rocket Boy will stop playing with his toys first. The only things left to consider were:

1 Why would they leave such great titles as Think And Grow Rich, Gangster State and Jacob Zuma Speaks?

2  Good of the librarians not to deprive us of that 'Aha' moment, as we surveyed the devastation in the computer room. A word or written notice at the entrance would have utterly ruined that delightful moment. A fascinating aspect of South African service, this variation on caveat emptor  - 'let the customer guess'. I once spent a day and a night at a bus stop, because the municipality didn't want to ruin the surprise by posting bus times. Okay, that is a slight exaggeration. Like saying that the ANC is corrupt through and through.

3 Was the municipality too cheap to install burglar bars and an alarm system?

I feel embarrassed for you, Mr Cele. Juxtapose this City of Gotham-like mayhem against the viral pictures and videos of our police officers in various states of sweet repose. You must be sitting bolt upright at midnight, huge, crazy, cartoon eyes staring into the darkness. Or when your finest confuse cyanide and sinusitis, though that confusion is somewhat understandable. I knew a chap who had severe sinusitis. Identical symptoms to cyanide poisoning: difficulty breathing, seizures, unconsciousness - all except the cardiac arrest. That happened when he was hijacked for the third time, outside a police station. Rest, sir. Leave it to some tough, experienced policeman. Sweet though your theories were about tattoos, alcohol, gqom music and population growth, they mean stuff-all with a big F in the real, cruel, savage world that is South Africa today. You are bewildered and overwhelmed. We understand. It's tough here for a philosopher-celebrity-fashionista. Let us quote to you the comforting words of the bard:

"Thou thy worldly task hast done,

Home art gone and ta'en thy wages"

And bloody good wages they are too, for jetting around the country, dispensing other-worldly wisdom.

Sir, pardon me for adapting a quote from a plum-in-mouth neocolonialist:

"This is not Little-Puddling On The Marsh."

This is bloody, bloody South Africa. And it's getting worse. This for you and  many, many of your comrades, to quote another of those hated Brits:

You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. In the name of God, go.

Yours in the struggle to awake from sweet slumber.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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