One Day

One Day

Tuesday, January 7th, 2020

Dear Lotto Guys

I thought it fair to inform you that I plan, intend and am firmly resolved to sue. You, of course, among others.

I think that your methods, practices and standard operational procedures border on the unethical. Perhaps, like illegal Mexican or Zimbabwean immigrants, even traverse that invisible boundary. One would have thought that there should be some reward for persistence, loyalty and effort. Instead, you constantly change the goalposts, deliberately thwarting my efforts. I have supported you since the age of twelve, when I used documents artistically created by a friend to prove that I was older than I looked (knowing, of course, what suspicion and wickedness lurks in the heart of man). The most I have ever won was R50. This cannot be right, fair, ethical or even vaguely within the law of averages. As the Germans say: ‘Zuviel ist zuviel.’

I am not paranoid, as my analyst, Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern Unter den Tannenbaumen, will readily teatify. Obsessive-compulsive, yes. I am convinced that you change your combinations each time simply to sidestep my own updated, logically constructed combinations. To those who consider such an assertion ludicrous, I refer you to the following bizarre events in the beloved land and elsewhere. Our former president was allegedly targeted by more spies than have cavorted on the silver screen since Hollywood’s inception. Various ‘novelists’ have concocted the most ludicrous tales of the supposed adventures of this quite probably innocent, naive man. The Democrats in the US, in a show of monstrous disloyalty, are trying to impeach that honest bricklayer. I could go on. Suffice it to ask, then, how far-fetched it would be for a sinister cartel to plot against honest citizens merely doing their humble best to achieve the modest goal of being fabulously wealthy.

I have records of every draw stretching back to 1979, as well as of my own entries. I intend to call mathematicians (including a former president), astrologers, sangomas and other learned persons as expert witnesses. I should think that, by now, wishing to avoid scandal, thoughts of an out - of- court settlement have crossed; or at least, caressed your minds. I am a reasonable, rational man as must be evident from the tone and content of this courteous missive. I will certainly entertain any offers tentatively, or boldly, approaching the sixteen million mark. I am willing to overlook that you have hindered my altruistic goal to provide gainful employment to folk working on luxury cruise liners and in five star hotels. Let bygones be bygones. Just show me the filthy lucre. Call me magnanimous.

Yours in the struggle for honest, ethical, profitable gaming.

Richard

Flying Without Wings

Flying Without Wings

Monday, September 11th, 2017

Dear Mr Manyi

The brand new Kerry Packer / Lord Beaverbrook of South Africa - bravo! I feel empowered, inspired, energised, just reading about your coup. I hope that historians are taking note. What with ANN7 and The New Age already having carved out reputations as the fearless Batman and Robin of investigative journalism and news reporting, we anticipate the scaling of magnificent new media business heights.

 I am sure that you have already cracked the leaked E mails and state capture sagas. Can’t wait to catch your next newscast. I know that you are a man of bold vision and unafraid to speak your mind. Your unique idea of doing a sort of South African tower of Babel exercise with Cape Town’s ‘Coloured’ people proved that. Of course, I’m sure you meant the same for all the other under- and over- represented areas. Taken to its logical conclusion, we could perhaps have even moved some of our people into Lesotho and Liechtenstein. A sort of Lebensraum initiative that could have made you as famous and popular as that chap with the half-done moustache.

Add to your own sterling qualities, the great training and experience you must have had disseminating truth with the fearlessness and impartiality typical of a state information and communication person in South Africa, and we have the stuff of legend. I imagine that in future, busloads of tourists, cruising past your residence, will sing out the immortal phrase, ‘Show me the Manyi’

You have given the cause of empowerment in South Africa a tremendous shot in the butt. Do you think we might get in on the other businesses your associates might wish to shed in this sudden rush of public- spiritedness? Much as I like milk, I would avoid the dairy, as I read an accusation somewhere that Transnet was being milked instead of the dairy herd. The recruitment agency would be right up my alley. Having had extensive interviewing experience, I would have no trouble with any devious candidates for ministerial posts. You can be sure that, apart from proper reference checking and verification, candidates would undergo rigorous interviews. The use of the ‘angazi’ word would immediately disqualify any applicant as we already have too many angazi - proficient public servants.
For your assurance, an example of a typical scenario to test candidate’s intelligence and integrity would be:

A secret vote of no confidence in your leader is about to take place. Do you:

a. Call in sick
b Vote according to your conscience (if you have one)
c. Vote according to someone else’s conscience
d. Emigrate
E. All of the above
As you can see, this business would fit me like a beret on an EFF member of parliament. Please do set up a meeting at the Saxonworld watering hole. Ginger beers are on me.

The fact that you tapdanced into the media mogul role sans a faded ten rand note is most encouraging. I have long espoused this particular business empowerment model. Of course, I trust that you now possess the sort of share portfolio that befits a man in your position.

Incidentally, I was pleased to read that you had the staff laughing at your first meeting. Great to have a leader with a sense of humour. There was also a rumour that Hlaudi will be joining ANN7. Good news, as he will keep any footage of riotous behaviour off the news. I find the violence quite unsettling and would much rather relax with a Tarantino classic such as ‘Reservoir Dogs’ or one of the ‘Kill Bill’ movies.

Both you and Ms Myeni of SAA bring to mind one of my favourite tunes, Flying Without Wings.

Yours in the pursuit of wingless flight.

Richard

Laughter In The Dark

Laughter In The Dark

Sunday, September 17th, 2017

Dear Mr President

I cannot thank you enough for the sterling work that you have done in transforming our country. We were on the road to the same old boring routine of service delivery, redressing of historical wrongs, economic growth and all the other yawn - inducing stuff. Suddenly you sprang into the spotlight like Jim Carey in The Mask - on steroids. We may not be the most efficient or effective country but, boy, we have to be one of the most fascinating, and often funniest, countries in the world.

What a brilliant strategy to turn the state of the nation addresses into a spectacle for all South Africans to enjoy. Those of us who cannot catch Comedy Central and mixed martial arts shows on pay TV can now get the whole experience on parliamentary news. This may not be government by the people but in terms of entertainment value, it certainly is for the people. Mmusi called you a broken president presiding over a broken country (something to that effect). In his play, A Caucasian Chalk Circle, Bertolt Brecht has a roguish official ” who broke the law like bread to give it to the people”. Alas, I doubt that that was Mmusi’s meaning. Still, we have the laughs.

Your groundbreaking ‘Giggle Along With Government’ initiative has gone global. The Americans were not to be outdone and have elected some strong competition. Still, they cannot trump your dizzying comedy routine. Weekend ministers, revolving courtrooms and cabinets, memorable one - liners like ‘I know nothing, nothing, nothing..: The show goes on at a frenetic pace. Even our neighbour. Princess Grace was moved to improvise a piece, widely seen on cable news. I wish that you would repeat the schtick with the numbers. Hilarious punchline: ‘Listen carefully now…’ The fire pool gag was almost as good. You joked that the DA in the Western Cape is probably kept in power by witches and ghosts. Some uptight voters were (like the queen) not amused but then again, those DA voters do sometimes lack in the humour department. To those who were indignant about your laughter in the house, you once responded: ‘How can I stop my laugh?’ The short answer is: by not laughing. We do know what you mean, though. Our junk status, questionable deals, corruption and capture allegations etc are all the stuff of thigh- slapping, belly - hugging hilarity. I have often woken up in mid- guffaw.

Brecht would occasionally interrupt the action (with a narration, for example) to remind his audience that they were watching a play, not real life. We are often jarringly reminded that this is real life, not a play.

In a Solomon - like custody judgement, in Brecht’s play, a child is given to the faithful peasant girl who cared for her when her aristocratic mother deserted her, then tried to claim her back. 

Love to see you work something like that into your next schtick.

Yours in the quest for homegrown humour.

Richard

Coming Up Trumps

Coming Up Trumps

January 11th, 2020 

Dear Mr Trump

So glad and relieved that you did not push us over the brink. Although my debt problems would have been solved, I had rather hoped to achieve a few things before joining the great employment queue in the sky.

Sir, there is one thing that troubles me (actually two; of the second, more later in this friendly letter). Years ago, you said, during a leadership telecast, that one should pursue anyone who has wronged one until satisfaction has been gained - words to that effect. Great leadership advice, sir. Do you still cling to that profound philosophy? If so, there is no point in wishing you a prosperous 2020, as we may not be there to its end.

More troubling sir, is the awkward situation I find myself in. I have written some things about you, all in good, innocent fun. The sort of good humoured joshing between mates. Recent events have had me anxiously scanning the sunny Gauteng skies for hostile drones. On occasion, I have had to dive into a clump of bushes (these grow in profusion in my neighbourhood, what with the municipality being preoccupied with important budget speech celebrations etc.). While quite possibly good physical exercise, this has had a debilitating effect on my neck muscles and nervous system. In addition, I have had to endure stares and head-shaking from complete strangers, who fail to appreciate my perfectly natural responses to life - threatening situations.

Sir, may I propose a similar cessation of hostilities to the one currently in place with those chaps to the east. I am even willing, at great personal sacrifice, to travel over to sign a peace accord (if you can see your way clear to a little financial support for accommodation, travel and some discretionary funds - of course, if you have a spare room in the White House….).

I look forward to hearing from you by more conventional methods than a missive from the skies.

Yours in the crucial quest for world peace.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Our Thing

Our Thing

Wednesday, January 15th, 2020

Dear Stellenbosch Mafia

You have been much in the news lately. A ‘novel’ (in the elegant phrasing of Mr Zuma) has even been written about you. I read some snippets and will complete my research once I have acquired a copy that one of the bookshops might leave carelessly lying around. I certainly like the idea of having Our Thing right here in South Africa. Onse Ding has a more solid, sonorous ring than Cosa Nostra.

I am keenly interested in membership of the club.
I understand that you kicked off as a kind of early model of the modern BBBEE initiative. Accepting my application would bring you into the new decade. You could gain invaluable mileage from being the first elite club in South Africa to welcome on board an ordinary Joe, with no financial prospects - a group also much discriminated against and historically disadvantaged. I am willing to be an ambassador for the organization. I am not without experience, as I once carried out some assignments for a similarly named organization in Europe. I have no issues with swearing blood oaths or whatever rituals may be necessary.

My Afrikaans is tolerable and I am currently brushing up by engaging patrons of Brian’s Bar, in Germiston, in stimulating exchanges on global finance, among others. Having read the poetry of Adam Small and S V Petersen, I have some insight into the culture.

Sirs, the old order changeth, yielding to the new. I offer my services as a catalyst. One story has it that at least one of you already has a close relationship with at least one prominent member of a progressive party. I am at pains not to let slip any clues to the identity of those scarlet - clad crusaders for justice and equity. My membership would beautifully round off your initiatives in diversity and inclusiveness.

I do understand that you are not that kind of mafia. Nevertheless, should you need the exercise of unusual talents, I am at your disposal. I also do that. Disposal.

I shall miss the scenic Germiston environs. The winelands might offer some small compensations.
Please do forward me the relevant application forms.

Yours in the struggle to preserve tradition while striding boldly forth to the future.

Richard

Invictus Too

Invictus Too

Wednesday, September 20th, 2017

Dear Alistair

I was most distressed to see video footage of people burning Springbok jerseys. I could not help but think what a nice price they would have fetched at the Germiston traffic lights. Economists do the Big Mac comparison.I find the Streetwise Two equivalent calculation quite useful.It was indeed troubling to see the equivalent of so many of those colourful boxes go up in flames.

Enough of economics. We face a time of trial as has not been seen since the great rinderpest plague. Dark forces in dark rugby kit threaten the very fabric of our rainbow - hued existence. I foresee an increase in Spur spats, parliamentary punch ups and more, should we not stem the black tide I am surprised that flags are not flying at half mast. Could this be the swart gevaar warned of in times past?.

As an anthem - humming patriot and staunch Springbok supporter since democracy first lighted on our shores like the Starship Enterprise landing on some dark, forbidding, alien planet, I offer a solution. Who can pass a ball with a flick of the wrist defter than that of the fleetest French flyhalf? None other than our own Msholozi. Asked about diplomatic immunity for the cable - wielding lady, he flicked that one on with: ‘I am not a lawyer.’ Alistair, you must get him on the coaching staff without delay. He has waltzed out of more tight scrums and loose mauls unscathed, than all our front- rankers combined. Another fleet of foot, nimble member of your coaching staff has to be Des van Rooyen. He slipped into and out of the finance portfolio faster than we can blink, completing the job of a finance minister in one weekend. These men have invaluable experience to offer.

I suggest that Gwede be roped in to handle pre - match press conferences. That should thoroughly confuse the opposition. At team talks, his reassuring growl will give our men heart, without the necessity of anything intelligible actually being said.
We also need a counter to the intimidating haka. What better than a stirring Zulu dance to a rousing chorus of ‘Umshini Wami’.

There. Alistair, I am sure that you can already see light at the end of the player’s tunnel.

Yours in defence and attack.

Richard

The Chronicles Of Jayzed

The Chronicles Of Jayzed

Wednesday, September 20th, 2017

In the Beloved Land, in the years of the reign of King Embeki, there was strife among the chieftains. At that time (about 13H00, Harare time), there came forth out of the tribe of the Ancites a warrior called Jayzed, fair of countenance and a mirthful man. He sang and danced before the people and did please them greatly. Then they cried out with one voice: ‘Let Jayzed be king!’ And lo, it came to pass. The chieftains and the people banded together and wrested the throne from King Embeki and sent him forth from the city gates to wander in the northern desert lands.

The people rejoiced with song, dance and feasting.And Jayzed prophesied that the Ancites would rule until the end of the age (for he was a man of great learning, able to interpret and divine the hidden things)
And Jayzed took unto himself several wives and concubines, for many maidens swooned when he sang and danced. And he caused a palace to be built in the fair land of rolling hills. All who passed by did marvel at the king’s palace and the miraculous pool in which he bathed (for cleanliness was near to his heart). The king also gathered unto himself many asses. Herds and flocks, too, he gathered. 

But there was yet strife in the land. Among the vineyards of the western land dwelt the tribe of the Daites. They were makers of wine and fishers who went down to the sea. The daughter of Zilla ruled over them and she stirred them up, saying: “Let us make war upon King Jayzed, for he will bring the land to nought.” And it came to pass that many battles were fought in diverse places in the land. But the Daites were few in number and the armies of the king prevailed. And they mocked the Daites, calling them jackals, winebibbers and all manner of names. As for the daughter of Zilla, the ministers, concillors and chieftains heaped insults upon her head, proclaiming it abroad that she was a witch. Yet the daughter of Zilla ceased not to fight and to this day, she has not sheathed her sword. 

The Copites also stood forth to make ready for war. Then their rulers, the son of Shilowar and the son of Lakotar did quarrel on the field of battle. Their army was scattered and many warriors returned to their lands and their herds and flocks. 

Then Jayzed looked about him and said: “My enemies have all been vanquished and who can stand against me?” And the king did what was right in his own eyes for he cast down those ministers who displeased him and raised up others who pleased him. One whose fame spread throughout the land was the son of Royan. He was keeper of the king’s treasures, a man of astonishing wisdom, who accomplished so much in three days that the king bade him take his ease at his right hand. But the son of Gordan displeased the king. He stood before the king, the ministers and the chieftains and cried out in a loud voice: “This is not a good thing that you do. You dwell in marbled palaces, eat of the choicest meats and ride in fine chariots while the people stumble under the yoke of poverty,”  The king gnashed his teeth and sunto his councillors: “This man is become a thorn in my flesh.” So they brought forth witnesses against the son of Gordan and heaped accusations upon his head. And as the son of Gordan fought in battle in the far off Anglite lands, the king sent for him and caused him to be forever banished from his courts. And the king raised up another in his place, whose name the chronicles do not record, for he did no deeds of valour.

Thus the king Jayzed did cast down and raise up until his spirit was at peace. Then dwelt the king at ease with his wives, children, herds and flocks.

But lo, in the early years of the reign of Jayzed, there arose in the land a great famine. The people groaned under the yoke of taxes, rising prices, inefficiency, corruption and rumours of corruption. Some did murmur that the vision had fled the land.And they cried out to Jayzed: ‘Give us bread. Give us work. Give us… something.’ And Jayzed giggled.

Then he rose up from his throne in the place of green hills and cane fields, girded his famed loins and proclaimed: ‘This people does trouble me with many cries and protestations. I shall give them stories, magic, song and dance that they may be filled and trouble me no more.’ (For he was gifted in every art of entertainment).
Then the king travelled the land with his faithful companions, telling in song, dance and stories of the wondrous things to be accomplished in the kingdom. Boldly, the king proclaimed that the glories of the rule of the Ancites would be told in song for years to come. The people did marvel and sang his praises, saying: ‘ Truly, this is a man of the people.’

But there came forth messengers from the north with news of a mighty, warlike tribe in the hills of Saxonworld. ‘Behold’, they cried. ‘These men do make war and plunder the land from east to west. They have plundered dairy herds and milk the very earth of its treasures.’ Some murmured that the king was joined in alliance with the Gupterites (for so they were called, having travelled from a distant land to the east). But Jayzed laughed them to scorn.
But a rumour spread throughout the land that  scrolls had been found whereon the names of those allied to the Gupterites were inscribed. Many secret things also were inscribed upon the scrolls.  And many chieftains swore that they knew not of these things. As for the king, he swore by his wives and children that he knew not of the secrets of the Gupterites. In truth, he did deny it thrice. ‘Nothing, nothing, nothing,’ he proclaimed before all the people. But the anger of the people burned hot against the Gupterites and their allies.

Then came forth two mighty warriors, Juju of the Effites and El Mmusi of the Daite tribe. And their armies joined battle with the king’s army upon the plain of Parliament, a desolate place, filled with the cries of carrion birds and the rushing of the wind. For many days and nights the armies did battle but Jayzed’s army prevailed, for they were a great multitude. They smote the Effites and Daites upon the plain until they withdrew to fight again another day. But the king was sore wounded in the battle, for an arrow pierced his hindmost parts. From that time forth, he sat uneasily upon the throne.
The armies of the king rejoiced with feasting, music and merriement. 

But Jayzed was troubled in spirit, for a dark cloud overshadowed the land. Some of the Ancite chieftains did turn their backs upon Jayzed, saying: ‘This man rules not wisely nor well. He consorts with strange fellows and the noble name of our tribe is become a jest upon the lips of drunkards.’ The daughter of Kozar was one such, a woman of wisdom, valour and beauty. But the chieftains rose up in anger, saying: “This woman has partaken of much wine or strange herbs and speaks what she knows not.” She too, they cast out and the gates of the city were shut against her. Of the valiant deeds of the daughter of Kozar and the son of Gordan, the chronicles have much to tell. Nor do the chronicles forbear to tell of the daughter of Donsella, a warrior of renown, who ceased not from battle though the archers of the king rained fiery arrows upon her, as though the floodgates of the heavens themselves were thrown open. And of other warriors of renown, much may be found in the chronicles.

Some still clove to the king; many chieftains, his sons and kinsmen. One of his kinsmen, Kul U Busayi grew large in the land, for he enlarged his boundaries with many herds, flocks and much treasure. He cared not that some of the people murmered against him and his companions but spent his days feasting and drinking with gladness of heart. The sons of Jayzed also waxed fat in the land. One became a prophet, wandering the land and, in a loud voice,  uttering warnings against the foes of his father. Yet some heaped scorn upon his head,saying:”This fellow is no prophet but a hollow reed, through which every passing wind blows.” Yet he ceased not to cry out as one possessed of an unquiet spirit. Of the sons and kinsmen of Jayzed, the chronicles tell no more, for some said that they were but shadows of the king.

Now upon the king there came a heaviness of spirit. The Ancites began to quarrel among themselves. In council, swords were drawn and shields buffeted. Even the chief counsellors of the king began to utter words of warning and prophecy. Among them were Ram Pozaar and Mantasheer, he whose voice was likened unto the distant thunder of a summer storm. In the market places, where the people gathered, some murmered against Jayzed and the Ancites. Others cursed them openly. And it seemed to the king that to their numbers were added daily. The people rose up and stopped the wells of the Gupterites, saying:’These men live off the fat of our land while we languish in want. Away with them!”. And the Gupterites took their herds and flocks to a distant land and withdrew into the caves of Saxonworld, for they feared that the fat years, the years of wine and laughter, were fading.

And indeed, the king did long for the counsel of wise men like Embeki. As for the former king, he was welcomed into the courts and councils in the northern lands, for they sought his wise counsel. And he lived out his days in peace among the kings and peoples of the desert lands.

But as for Jayzed, it was as when the leaves of summer wither on the branch and the winds blow cold upon the land. The wise men and the scribes meditated daily upon the scrolls of the Gupterites  (so numerous were the scrolls), and they vexed the king sore with a multitude of questions and charges concerning that tribe. At that time also rose up Nezemande, once a close companion of the king but as his sword was drawn, the king broke asunder the blade with a mighty blow, for he was yet a cunning warrior. The armies of the Daites and the Effites were gathering anew. More blood would flow upon the Plain of Parliament and in diverse parts of the land.

Some called upon the king to lay down his crown. And many officers and chieftains who did dance in the streets with him in his day of triumph, now bitterly repented them of their hot hearts and heads. Some there were that would have had him bound in chains and cast into a dungeon with the thieves and vagabonds. Others proclaimed loudly that the rule of Jayzed would be soon ended. But these things are in the future, where none may journey while the breath of life is in him.

The rest of the chronicles of Jayzed are told in the history of the Beloved Land, for her people were yet to suffer much before the days of peace.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723