Captured

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am writing a unique, South African series for newly open SABC TV. I'm sure that they will be open to airing it. 

The series, working title 'Captured', should rival the BBC's dramatization of 'War And Peace'. Coincidentally, it also features a scarlet  - clad, Napoleon - like conqueror.

I am just a little concerned that audiences may find some of the events far-fetched, even for an epic of this nature.

Without giving away too much of the ever-thickening plot, a brief overview:

A former singer, dancer and comedian turned politician seizes power in an African state. He has a chance meeting with some foreign businessman from a powerful family. Over a spicy vegetarian meal, he falls under the spell of their quick wit and charm.  Working on the premise that the quickest way to a politician's heart is through his stomach and it's immediate environs, the family worms its way into the halls of power.

There are dramatic scenes to rival some of William's work. In one such, the president, about to be deposed, cries out like a rain-drenched King Lear: 'What have I done?' Leavening the drama are some darkly humourous moments. A mixed martial arts contest in the house of parliament is one such. Another is the scene in which politicians struggle to carry a rotund, martyred comrade to the prison gates. "We should have done this on the return journey", one of them mutters.

With something for everyone, the series also has a Bollywood feel. The dancing of the politicians, led by the nimble-footed president, will have you tapping your toes. Jazz tunes by The Brothers make for a memorable score. The horns and pipes are hypnotic in effect. A musical high point is a courtroom scene in which the estranged wife of one of the main characters sings like a nightingale. I still have goosebumps.

There is a bit of everything in the series and a lot of some things. To say more would be telling. Coming to a small screen near you. Suffice it to say that a sequel is a distinct possibility. Waiting, like Hamlet, in the wings is the eloquent son of the deposed president.

Of course, any resemblance to people living, dead or difficult to categorize is a helluva coincidence.

I am still a  little worried that I might have stretched the limits of suspension of disbelief. I'd value your opinions. Will it fly?

Yours in the struggle for original African epics. 

Richard 

 

 

ANC's 'A Wrinkle In Time'

 'Parliament did not have the time, resources or capacity to investigate the early “noise” and “rumours” about the coordinated and wholesale looting of South Africa’s public coffers, Baleka Mbete told the state capture commission on Monday night.'

So says a Mail and Guardian report.

Ms Mbete, fully conscious that the WMC press exists solely to embarrass the Party, I wish to put things in perspective. I too, have not had the time, resources or capacity to do several thing. I've heard noises and rumours about tax season but.... The other day my neighbour was being tortured by home invaders. I was fully occupied with watching a parliamentary debate on open SABC TV. It was about the meaning of the word 'fokol'. A crucial concept in present - day South Africa. To forestall howls of outrage, let me point out that I did take action. I swiftly turned up the sound, as the screams were beginning to distract me from my civic duty. At any rate, Mr Cele, like the gallant World War II forces, is on the beach. 

People do not understand that there are larger issues. As long as William Nicol Drive remains William Nicol Drive, we will flounder in post - colonial economic misery. Already one can see the benefits of renaming Port Elizabeth Gqeberha. After all, who had heard of Port Elizabeth before? I'm sure that the town is now teeming with Japanese tourists, lured thence by the exotic name. Schoolchildren all over South Africa are probably, even now, browsing through Wikipedia for meaning, pronunciation and etymology. The march of progress continues.

Ms Mbete, you continue the good work that you did in the memorable Al Jazeera interview. That had me shaking with uncontrollable mir.., pardon, admiration. You handled such profound issues as when a swimming pool is not a swimming pool with great aplomb. 

Unkind folk sing the 'see no evil, hear no evil' song (I forget what the third one is). I understand that the demanding responsibility of directing difficult parliamentarians to take their seats is as onerous as rearranging deck chairs on a rapidly sinking ocean liner.

Yours in the struggle for perspective.

Richard

The South African Hunger Games

 Let's be frank. Our elections have nothing to do with competence, track record, integrity. In truth, none of those silly relics of colonial thought are relevant. We are about entertainment, showbiz and, er, subtle inducements.

Municipal elections approach. I propose an appropriate format for our times and our beloved country. A showbiz extravaganza that has all the elements that make our elections so special. Televised, this will give the national broadcaster a powerful shot in the butt. Far better than the mindless gibbering about 'open'.

First up would be the game show Family Feud. The ANC should ace that one. 

Braaimasters next, as the contest heats up. The ANC could do roosterbrood, buttered on both sides. Floyd could batter something for the EFF. The DA would argue among themselves about the colour and consistency of the marinade. Skilpaaidjies would nicely symbolize the FF+ march of progress. Toast for Cope.

Politicians Got Talent would have our honourables doing what they do best. Jumping through hoops, magically making stuff disappear, stand-up comedy, song and dance. 

After those exertions, a relaxing Balderdash contest would round things off beautifully.  This popular game involves making up imaginative definitions for various unfamiliar words. The ANC could tackle 'integrity', ' service', 'decency'. For the EFF, add the difficult  'credibility',   'consistency' and 'dignity'.  'Reality' should challenge the DA - for starters. For the rest, 'relevance' should have them puzzling mightily. The climax would be having them all wrap their heads around 'vision' and 'nation-building'.

There you have it, fellow South Africans: The Election Games. Also nicknamed The Hunger Games.

The Real Nine O' Clock News

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I need your help - really.

I awoke from a pleasant dream this afternoon. Dr Ace was apologizing to me for something. He had just handed me a wad of cash and some share certificates for a housing project. A thunderous explosion had me leaping to my feet mid - snore.

There on ETV news was a chaotic battle in mid - Joburg. Friends later told me not to be ridiculous. That it was a Marvel Comics movie. I don't believe that and fully expect to see the video on Yusuf Abramjee's Twitter timeline.

We regularly have little red men marching around causing chaos. We have a farting pastor, two senior citizens hogging headlines for brazenness and buffoonery and much more. There's nothing unusual about a huge green man battling a giant robot, while a fellow in an iron suit flies overhead. Besides, here's irrefutable proof:

1. While Johannesburg crumbled around them, residents went about their business. A little perturbed yes, but not hysterical. I could have

 sworn that I saw two vendors selling magwinyas amidst the mayhem.

2. No - one was arrested. The police fired thousands of rounds and missed the guilty parties.

3. Someone said: 'Bruce Banner will not be arrested'. That's the clincher. None of the people who stripped and destroyed the country have been arrested. That's definitely real South Africa.

I know that you don't usually respond to my requests but please, please make an exception. This is critical. I have a R100 bet riding on it.

Yours in the struggle for real news reporting.

Richard 

Ace In The Hole

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have formed an organisation called Defence of Ace (DA). Our first act is to  clearly prove and show that if anyone should apologise, it is the dark, or rather, pale forces of White Monopoly Capital.

Applying the sort of rational, unemotional approach that a philosopher such as Dr Ace might use, we put the following to you.

Were it not for apartheid and all its attendant evils, we would not be in this somewhat awkward position. In fact, the formation of the ANC would not have been necessary. One could terminate this argument right here. We have exposed the heart of darkness.

However, as the serpent still slithers in our midst (and we need to meet the required number of words for this letter), let us delve deeper.

Our theory, based on various clues not immediately evident to the untrained eye, is as follows. The so-called counter-suspension letter was a devilishly clever forgery. We quote:

"I have also, in accordance with the powers vested in me as the secretary-general of the ANC, and furthermore, in full compliance with the relevant conference resolutions summarily, suspended the president of the ANC, Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa (sic)," 

Below is what we believe Dr Ace actually wrote. Note the similarities. So easy for a cunning forger to produce the counterfeit above.

'I have also, in accordance with the responsibility vested in me as the secretary general of the ANC, and furthermore, in full compliance with the relevant conference resolutions, summarily suspended all my activities, deferring to the president of the ANC, Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa.'

Dear fellow South Africans, the Stellenbosch Mafia and others may underestimate our intelligence and vigilance. Study the suspected forgery above. Dr Ace would never use the word 'sic'. Just one of several clues. 

We therefore say: de Klerk, Rupert and the rest, we await your apology.

Yours in the struggle for justice, truth and other good stuff.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Dr Ace's Catch 2021

 Dear Dr Ace

I know you to be a philosopher (honorary turkey..., sorry, Turkish university degree).

Brilliant that you now show us another dimension. What a sense of humour. Reminds me of Major Major Major Major in 'Catch 22'. I suppose we could call this particular satire / comedy Catch 2021. 'Suspense rises as suspended Secretary General suspends president.'

I'm sure we'll be seeing more of this sort of thing as soccer and rugby players fish red cards out of their back pockets. Of course, we need a Catch 22 - type rule to manage suspensions. I suggest the following:

"Any Secretary General of the ANC may lawfully suspend any other member, passerby or likely looking candidate, unless said SG has himself / herself been suspended, in which case the suspension letter must be backdated and accompanied by a picture of the suspender with a copy of the day's newspaper. 

Catch 2021

When a counter-suspension has been issued, the validity of both the initial suspension and the counter-suspension shall be debated and / or decided at an NEC meeting, followed by various other meetings to be decided upon at said NEC meeting. Marches, threats, hysterical outcries and unintelligible statements may form an organic part of the process but will not be taken into account in arriving at a decision. Unless one or both parties decide otherwise.

There, sir, I'm sure that clears it up.

The best form of defence is attack. You have done so brilliantly and with great humour. Better to go out doubled up with laughter. Well done sir.

Yours in the struggle for fresh, original humour.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Confessions Down South

 Overheard in a confessional.

"Father, I am a politician."

"No sin is too great for God's love, my son."

"No, father. It's that I redeployed  large sums of taxpayers' money. I was overcome by a force too strong for me."

"Are you saying that the devil made you do it?"

"No, father. Apartheid."

"What did you do with the money, my son?"

"I gave to the poor, my family. They are no longer poor."

"You must now step aside from this path, my son."

"I'll try, father. It's difficult. As the poet said:

'When I consider how my loot is spent,

E're half my days..'

Second congregant:

"Father, I went on a wild spree: wine, women and song. Can I be forgiven?"

"No sin is too great for God's love, my son."

"Father, I also voted ANC and EFF. I was overcome by a force too strong for me."

"The evil one?"

"Food parcels, braais, song and dance."

"God sees your repentant heart, my son."

"But, father, despite all that I have seen and experienced, I did it several times."

"Oh, no, my son!"

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723