FART Thanks Ruling Party

FART Thanks Ruling Party
Sunday, May 31st, 2020

Dear Ruling Party

I, Honest Joe, chairperson of the Federation of Alternative Retail Traders (FART), wish to convey our sincere thanks and appreciation.

My WhatsApp and assorted messaging apps have never been this busy. Business is booming. My spouse even suspected that I was heavily involved in extramarital shenanigans. Fortunately, I was able to convince her, before she contacted ‘Uyajola’, that’s it’s just business, not personal.

It has been proven beyond a doubt that in South Africa ‘n boer maak ‘n plan - and so do the smokers and connoisseurs of fine liquors. Of course, this was inevitable. Our market research and scenarios sketched by our futurists clearly indicated that the mother of bull markets was on its way. I’m sure you do similar stuff.

Take nicotine. The stuff is addictive. This is not the US Marines. All those smokers were clearly not going to snap to attention and yell ‘Sir, yes sir’. I’m sure that all those wise heads realized that. We see ourselves as providing a valuable service at a modest profit. Angels of mercy may not be stretching it too far. At a fee, of course. Who knows what desperate smokers may resort to? Consider us the buffer between society and a potential Boxer Tobacco rebellion.

We have been empowered as never before. It goes without saying that some of the profits will be ploughed into our social responsibility fund, once we get around to putting one together.

You have our vote in the next election.

Yours in the struggle for ethical business practice.

Honest Joe
Chairperson: FART

The Queen's Speech

The Queen’s Speech
Sunday, August 6th, 2017

Dear Ms Faith Muthambi

Congratulations on making the front page of the Sunday Times.

It is said that faith can move mountains. You moved half a small suburb to listen to your budget speech. It must have been every bit as dramatic as the king’s speech, depicted in the Oscar Award winning movie. Clearly, you wished as many people as possible to be edified. I can see you at the lectern, commanding the room, the audience hushed and awed, hanging onto your lips as pearls of wisdom tumble from them. A speech to make Mark Antony green with envy. I am sure that your gems of eloquence are even now reverberating around the world. Please let me have a print copy of your inspired speech. I am keen to set it to music. Perhaps an African operetta, with Morgan Freeman in a starring role?

I do hope that CNN and the BBC were present on the historic occasion. My only question is why you did not invite more people to attend. I am sure that you developed a large network when you were communications minister. You made the news back then also, didn’t you? Also on Twitter more recently with allegations of having had ’sharing is caring’ moments with the Saxonworld family. At least you are an example of a disciplined member of your organisation.

Back to your watershed budget speech. There was a worrying sequel as atypical transient global amnesia struck with a vengeance. Some of your guests could not remember where they stayed or who paid. That does sound like a seriously advanced stage of the affliction. My heart goes out to the afflicted. Apparently, so does my wallet, as this delightful outing was allegedly funded by the ever - willing taxpayer. Do let us know when next the spirit of eloquence moves you and we taxpayers will see what we can do (perhaps also move). I am sure that many South Africans would love to attend your next adventure, bathing in the effulgence of your wisdom, oratory and personality.

Yours in the quest for memorable budget speeches.

Richard

Sherlock, Read And Weep

Sherlock, Read And Weep
Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020

Dear SAPS

Congratulations.

You once detained two sisters based on their looking foreign. At the time, I was awestruck at the skills, technology and methods of detection that you’ve clearly been developing quietly. (Reported in ‘The Unusual Suspects ‘). I imagine that you have a Langley - type training facility. Possibly in a remote area such as the Pofadder outskirts.

I am delighted to note that you have ‘upped your game’. A policeman handcuffed and searched a suspect based on ‘body behaviour’,

“They looked very suspicious, looking around and talking the whole time,” testified the policeman.

I must admit that I would also be highly suspicious of anyone who talked the whole time. What about listening? And breathing?

Dear fellow South Africans, I recommend that you keep your eyes fixed on a spot in the distance straight ahead, at the approach of any law enforcement officer. If you are sightseeing, please suspend activities until the police have left the building. If you must speak, try to stay with monosyllabic utterances. I think sign language is in order.

The next tip could save you an enormous amount of trouble (and having to rub your wrists to restore circulation). Whatever you do, do not scratch the back of your head. The forehead might be acceptable but I’d refrain, just to be safe. Apparently the suspect ‘reached behind his head and scratched it’ (the head, one assumes), when the officer approached him. Yes, that does sound like the clincher - about as close to an admission of guilt as one can get.

“As I explained, body behaviour says a lot. I’ve been doing this job for 13 years.” said the eagle - eyed officer.

Sir, may I suggest the following:
anatomical charts, videos and posters to help the general public identify suspects promptly,
intensive training for community policing forums

I see us smashing the syndicates and gangs and rounding up villains with astonishing speed. The recent cash heist, allegedly carried out by equal - opportunity seeking women, could probably have been prevented. If only an alert member of the public had spotted the giveaway tummy or backside scratching in time.

At least we are on the way to remarkable breakthroughs in crime detection. Take that. FBI, with your plodding, tortoise - speed techniques.

Viva SAPS.

Yours in the grim struggle against crime.

Richard

The Malady Lingers On

The Malady Lingers On
Wednesday, August 16th, 2017

Dear Mr President For Now
I was so delighted that you survived that insulting vote of no confidence affair, that I celebrated with a large helping of our national dish, KFC. Of course, I have every confidence that you will continue to entertain us with song, dance, magic, mystery and enthralling stories. I admire that Mmusi chap in the other party for his fine qualities but he is not a patch on you in the real business of politics in our country, namely, showbiz, smoke and mirrors. By the way, it is still our country, isn’t it? We haven’t done a basement bargain deal with those wise men from the East yet? I wonder if they spotted their potential friends and croni…, sorry allies, like that bright star, before they even loaded their camels. One can’t help but be reminded of the original wise men, except for the direction in which the gifts have been flowing. Of course, we are grateful to them for the paradigm shift in the recruitment business in South Africa. We must be the only country in the world where cabinet ministers and other key public figures are properly interviewed, reference checked, etc.

Musi and his crowd would probably turn our country into a deadly dull copy of Sweden, with their blinkered focus on service delivery. What boring lives we would lead. They would probably close down the Saxonworld shebeen immediately. That reminds me: could we celebrate your victory soon at that fine establishment? I’d like to invite Hlaudi, the Family, Messrs Koko and Zwane, as well as other deserving heroes and heroines. I need to thank all of you for making my job so easy. I suggest a toast in stout; something dark and bitter, as befits the occasion.

All that remains then is to root out those members who dared to act on the outlandish notion of voting according to conscience. How dare they even have a conscience? The lack of discipline in evidence these days is most disturbing. Stalin would never have tolerated such subversive nonsense. I heard some talk about use of lie detectors but, for most politicians,wouldn’t that be akin to using a metal detector to sniff out a particular nut in a scrapyard. Why reinvent the rack and the thumbscrew? The old ways have not failed you to date, so why break with a good, solid tradition?

Mr President, the song may have lost some of its fire, but the malady, er melody, lingers on.

Yours in the struggle to survive.

Richard

Grace On Fire

Grace On Fire
Friday, August 18th, 2017

Dear First Lady

My admiration for you has not merely grown but mushroomed like the aftermath of a nuclear explosion.

There we were, thinking that all you ever did was shop at Harrods and its Zimbabwean equivalent (apart from sorting out the odd, troublesome vice-president, that is).

With the suddenness of a lightning strike out of a clear sky, you have revealed a hitherto hidden, yet fascinating facet. I had no idea that you were a ZSEAL of supreme skill and talent. For those less familiar with military terminology. a member of the Zimbabwean Sea, Air And Land teams, similar to the US navy SEALS. Obviously, far superior, as you have so astonishingly demonstrated.

Your daring raid into the dark and dangerous terrain of Sandton hotels makes the SEAL raid on Osama’s compound look like the Teddy Bears’ picnic by comparison.

You had no need of helicopter gunships, support teams or even weapons as you slipped into and out of the secret war zone under the very noses of officialdom. The raid was planned and executed with the sublime simplicity characteristic of the great, historic commando raids. How bitterly the Israelis must regret not having consulted you about Entebbe.

Not being one to waste opportunity, I have already discussed with JZ, Donald and the British premier with the forgettable name how we might organise the joint training of our special forces under your gracious supervision. I could not help but notice that you are also an expert in the mysterious martial art of improvised weapons. I am sure that a teaspoon or salt cellar in your hands would have been just as effective as the cord or cabling that I read about.No wonder you had no need of anything as crude as smuggled weapons or caches in Sandton townhouses. Incidentally, you have given a whole new flavour to the concept of cable news. Without revealing military secrets, would you care to share with us what dan you have achieved in this arcane style of fighting?

Grace Under Fire is a popular TV series. Grace On Fire will eclipse it. Finding a lead actress who is a composite of Grace Jones, Chuck Norris and Angelina Jolie will pose some challenges. After all, a woman of your talent is as rare as an ANC minister who admits to having a cosy relationship with the Family. We are holding our breath.

Talking of breath, the mere thought of your meticulous planning, cool courage and awesome fighting skills takes mine away.

Breathlessly yours in support of elite fighting men and women.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Wait, There's More...

Wait, There’s More…
Monday, August 28th, 2017

I saw an advertisement for a secret fat burner. Is there secret fat? Why would anyone want to burn it if it’s secret?

Thought we’d take another break from politics. My head swims. Just when I thought I’d seen it all with JZ, Hlaudi, Uncle Bob and the whole gang, along comes Princess Grace, Southern Africa’s own iron lady and highly trained SZEAL. Her cross - border raid will surely adorn the pages of history books alongside the Jamieson Raid, among others.

Almost as fascinating are some of the advertisements I’ve seen lately. One of the older ones boldly, announced that ‘nothing sucks like Electrolux’. What were they thinking? Were they thinking?

Among my favourites are advertisements like the one punting a magical ring that will give you anything you want. Stuff and nonsense. I saw Frodo burn that ring. I responded to the short boys and rats advertisement, but have yet to take delivery of the promised R565674.55. I did see a rat once in my kitchen but delivering money seemed to be the last thing on his mind. I did wonder, after despatching him to the rat equivalent of paradise (a sort of celestial downtown Jo’burg?), whether I might have made a ghastly mistake. As for short boys. I have seen lots of them but they were all on their way to school. I wait in anticipation.

Facebook is full of advertisements promising anything from 100% to 500% profit on your R300 investment after two days or a week, if you join the Siyizigebengu or other group. One’s chances are about the same as Hlaudi’s for the presidency, JZ’s for honourary DA membership for life and Uncle Bob’s for a knighthood.

There is a ‘double the data’ advertisement from a cellphone company but I missed the ‘none of the data’ advertisement from the other provider. Charming advertisement from SARS, featuring a gentleman wearing the latest in handcuffs. They are clearly very knowledgeable on motivational theory, perhaps the latest North Korean research findings? Or is it the Trump school of leadership thought? I have tried the gum, sweets, cold drinks. No explosions of colour (just a bottle once, left too long in the freezer), no refreshing showers, gigantic bouncing balls, bracing breezes through my thinning hair - nada. Not one to give up easily. I am going out to buy all of those products again and this time, I will read the directions more carefully

The advertisement I would love to see on South African television (maybe ANN7, Mr Manyi?), would go something like:

‘If you join our party today, we will deliver to you hard working, committed, communicative candidates, without the bull droppings

Wait, there’s more. If you call within the next hour, we will throw in regular constituency feedback meetings, without the bull droppings.

There’s more, if you call now, we promise to serve and protect your rights to the very best of our ability.

There’s more…’

Incidentally, I loved the ANC’s scorecard on the opposition. Rather like the class dunce scoring his classmates.

Finally, is it just me or is there something fundamentally unhinged about people who advertise abortions and male member enlargement side by side on the same poster?

We have the Loerie Awards for excellence in advertising. I propose a pigeon droppings award in tandem.

As promised, no politics.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Respect

Respect
January 24th, 2020 by richardjmann

Dear Mr Trump

Shocking, outrageous, barbaric! How dare that Iranian MP offer a reward of three million for your head.

Why, sir, your hair alone is worth more than that. I would summon their ambassador right away. Ah, but then there probably isn’t one in the US. No problem. I would grab any likely looking Iranian off the sidewalk, have him on the (Persian) carpet and tell him what I think of that insolently cheap offer. Also the horrific notion of assassinating citizens of a foreign country. I am sure that the message would get back. You know the Iranians. I would reserve that poetic bit about raining down hellfire for a more appropriate moment and audience. After all, timing is everything in politics and in showbiz (same thing, essentially).

Sir, equally insulting is that the offer was made by a mere MP. One might have been less outraged had he been, at least, a cabinet minister. Not saying that one would approve. We are not talking about the head of some sh…le country here. Leader of the free world and a Jedi of the Twittersphere to boot. I look forward to your firing off a brace of fiery tweets soon (please be very mindful of which keys you are hitting).

Mr Trump, until they come up with a price worthy of your standing in the political and financial worlds, i would cut off all further communication with them.
I would also ensure that Iran has no access to Disney movies, KFC or any of the other essentials that your great nation delivers to a grateful (with the exception of Iran) world. See how they get along without those!

Yours in the struggle for due respect.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723