Sherlock, Read And Weep

Sherlock, Read And Weep
Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020

Dear SAPS

Congratulations.

You once detained two sisters based on their looking foreign. At the time, I was awestruck at the skills, technology and methods of detection that you’ve clearly been developing quietly. (Reported in ‘The Unusual Suspects ‘). I imagine that you have a Langley - type training facility. Possibly in a remote area such as the Pofadder outskirts.

I am delighted to note that you have ‘upped your game’. A policeman handcuffed and searched a suspect based on ‘body behaviour’,

“They looked very suspicious, looking around and talking the whole time,” testified the policeman.

I must admit that I would also be highly suspicious of anyone who talked the whole time. What about listening? And breathing?

Dear fellow South Africans, I recommend that you keep your eyes fixed on a spot in the distance straight ahead, at the approach of any law enforcement officer. If you are sightseeing, please suspend activities until the police have left the building. If you must speak, try to stay with monosyllabic utterances. I think sign language is in order.

The next tip could save you an enormous amount of trouble (and having to rub your wrists to restore circulation). Whatever you do, do not scratch the back of your head. The forehead might be acceptable but I’d refrain, just to be safe. Apparently the suspect ‘reached behind his head and scratched it’ (the head, one assumes), when the officer approached him. Yes, that does sound like the clincher - about as close to an admission of guilt as one can get.

“As I explained, body behaviour says a lot. I’ve been doing this job for 13 years.” said the eagle - eyed officer.

Sir, may I suggest the following:
anatomical charts, videos and posters to help the general public identify suspects promptly,
intensive training for community policing forums

I see us smashing the syndicates and gangs and rounding up villains with astonishing speed. The recent cash heist, allegedly carried out by equal - opportunity seeking women, could probably have been prevented. If only an alert member of the public had spotted the giveaway tummy or backside scratching in time.

At least we are on the way to remarkable breakthroughs in crime detection. Take that. FBI, with your plodding, tortoise - speed techniques.

Viva SAPS.

Yours in the grim struggle against crime.

Richard