Trump Card

Trump Card

Saturday, June 10th, 2017

Dear Mr Trump

Your nation has always been generous with aid to our continent, though I have heard that you have a slightly different approach. Be that as it may, I feel it my patriotic duty to reach across the oceans to offer you assistance in return, in these troubled times in your presidency.

Our own president is a survivalist whose breathtaking skills make Bear Gryllis look like a bumbling beginner. I have contacted him to request that he extend an invitation to you so that you can share ideas and tactics over a cup of rooibos and perhaps some ox tripe from the Inkandla herd. After all, you do have much in common with our beloved first citizen.

 Like him, you are surrounded on every side by envious souls who misunderstand and misinterpret your every action. You both have incredible foot-mouth coordination and have enlivened the deadly dull political arena with comedy routines that would have them on their feet in any theatre in the world. You are living proof of the truth of the saying that any American child can become president. He or she does not even need to grow up first. He is proof that any one – hit song and dance man / woman can become president in South Africa. Incidentally, I am delighted that you still use your signature phrase – ‘You’re fired’. In fact, I understand that you did so recently to a troublesome employee. 

Our chaps have learnt that political survival is about showbiz, smoke and mirrors. Such concepts as service delivery are the dry, dead – leaves stuff of the dreams of colonialist hangers-on (the reactionary swine). After all, what does it matter if I have no running water, when I can be royally entertained by JZ’s giggling moon dance through the political minefield or Brian’s dazzling deals that make the legend of the sale of London Bridge look like a grocery store transaction. 

We are considering replacing presidential elections with a political version of ‘Pop Idols’. You are both men of the people – if we can but track those people down. I could go on but let that suffice for now and to business.

How can we help you? An illustration, Mr Trump: I have a good friend, who, in his bachelor days was often caught in flagrante delicto by his girlfriend on her lightning visits. He would turn to me afterwards and utter these immortal words in a tone of injured innocence: “Why does she keep hurting herself this way. She knows that she will catch me with someone else if she turns up like this.” There is a deliciously bizarre, Martian logic to this. Our politicians have elevated this to Botticelli - like art. It translates something like: ‘How dare you catch me doing something wrong;. As you know, Mr Trump, righteous indignation is a highly effective weapon in political discourse. Our lot have discovered unrighteous indignation and deploy it like the B-2 of political debate. Our previous public protector was often a target of that sort of carpet bombing. This may explain the low profile of our current incumbent.

Our lot also have an arsenal of irresistible SAM missile – type phrases that are fired off with gay and straight abandon at any and every opportunity. These include ‘apartheid legacy, third force, unafrican, white monopoly capital’ and others, all of which can blow any attackers out of the sunny South African skies. Mr Trump, please feel free to use any of these. For you, we are happy to waive copyright rules. May I suggest some additional ones to ward off the vampires who suggest that Russia – how shall I put this delicately – gave you some useful encouragement during the elections. My own favourite would be: ‘Get real. What you get out of elections is what you Putin.’ I suggest that you work out some lively dance steps to tunes such as ‘That’s What Friends Are For’ and ‘With A Little Help From My Friends’. An old spiritual such as ‘Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen’ would probably go down a treat in some quarters. Our own president was carried into parliament on sound waves of his signature tune, ‘umShini Wami’. It will always be useful to explain difficult things away by referring to ‘Obama legacy’ or ‘Clinton legacy’. Works here. Just a note: the Russians have always been interested in helping other countries hold free and fair elections as we saw during the Soviet era. Bully for them, I say. Perhaps this is way some of our comrades still cling to their doctrine with such affection even though that particular comrades marathon ran its dreary course some time ago.

A brief digression before I sign off, sir. I caught you many years ago on  a business leadership telecast where you shared a memorable life lesson. It went along the lines that one should never forget an injury but pursue the offender until the score is paid in full. I may be the only person in the world who gets why you want to build that wall to keep out the neighbours. It’s for the Alamo, isn’t it?

I look forward to the intellectual, tactical and strategic discussions you will have with our own Socrates of a first citizen.

God bless America and her gallant ally, South Africa.

Yours in the pursuit of realpolitik.

Richard