More Short Boys And Rats

More Short Boys And Rats
Tuesday, June 6th, 2017

Dear Fellow South Africans

I thought we should take a break from the wearying and frustrating topic of what passes for politics in South Africa. Often it’s more like a very badly written farce that requires not just suspension, but jettisoning of disbelief. I will postpone my planned paean of praise for JZ until the next weekend. That is, assuming he is still around by then. I do hope that there will be some form of recognition from him or generous supporters in the Saxonwold environs (I choose Saxonwold at random) for my modest efforts to showcase his many talents and leadership skills. (I could do with some new Winter clothes).

Let us discuss a matter close to all our hearts, stomachs and wallets – money and how to make more of it. In these difficult times, with mansions in Dubai costing a kidney and a liver, sushi and KFC denting budgets and flights from Waterkloof gnawing into treasury funds, we all desperately need relief. This is aside from the comic relief provided by the likes of Kelly Finance Minister Des van Rooyen, ‘I coulda been a contender’ Hlaudi Motsoening, ‘Shebeen King’ Brian Molefe and others who entertain us so royally.

That is why I am grateful to a Mr Hadebe for his testimonial in one of our respected dailies, sharing how short boys deposited a substantial sum of money into his savings account, courtesy of one of the many philanthropist – doctors, professors and prophets brightening the lives of South Africans. For those South Africans not yet aware of how our economy really operates, let me recap from Short Boys And Rats. For a piddling investment of R200, one of the learned professionals mentioned earlier will dispatch a troop of short boys or rats to deliver eye-popping sums of money to you. Of course, the banks, economists, assorted capitalist running dogs, as well as the Illuminati would not have you know this, as their sole objective is to keep you chained in financial bondage. Thank goodness for our free press and the gallant professors and other professionals. It does not surprise me but still irks that none of these patriotic, economic warriors (I think ‘Freedom Fighters’ is already taken) have been appropriately recognized. Surely a couple of Nobel prizes would not be too much to ask.

Back to you, Mr Hadebe. I congratulate you on your wise choice of short boys, as this would cause less of a stir in the banking halls than a troop of rats. (There are unkind folk who aver that the banking business is already rat – infested). I tried to picture the scene as your short boys did the transaction. A teller notices that the next customer is standing rather far off, when a hand, seemingly out of nowhere, raps on her counter. She peers over to see a gentleman of somewhat different stature to most of her customers. (Please note that I choose my words carefully, as I am anxious to avoid scores of tweets, like those directed at Helen, demanding that I appear before the Human Rights Commission. I assume that short boys have the same rights as the rest of us. After all, we are governed by caring, righteous legislators). The teller is about to apologize for not having seen the gentleman when she notices a frown gathering on his stern features. Folklore has it that these gentlemen are rather sensitive about their unique stature. A tip for you, dear reader, as I am sure that there will be a deluge of requests for this service (thank you, again, Mr Hadebe). The polite response, according to an Afrikaans poem, goes something like: “Ek het jou doer van ver af gesien, van die blou berg vandaan” (I saw you from afar off, from the blue hill / mountain). The teller, being well trained, responds appropriately and the gentleman’s bushy brows relax into a smooth line. In a voice like Gwede Mantashe’s he proclaims: “We are here to make a deposit for Mr Hadebe, account number 03565665 to the sum of two hundred thousand rands and forty-five cents. I am Short Boy One and my colleagues are Short Boy 2 and Short Boy 3”. He points out two similarly statured gentlemen, also manfully wrestling with bulging briefcases.

Banking and making money have just become as much fun as watching Springbok rugby..oops, Proteas cricket. Dear reader, another tip: perhaps call ahead to your branch to prepare them, so as to avoid any embarrassing incidents. Mr Hadebe and the learned folk, I salute you. You are making a difference. Have you considered consulting with Mr Gigaba, our new finance minister? I think he would welcome all the help he can get.

Yours in the crusade for economic emancipation. Julius, you pinched our original name but all is forgiven and the invitation to martial arts lessons still stands (Open Letter to Julius Malema).

Richard