I think that it is appropriate that we have a respite from the wearying topic of South African politics, now that most South Africans are on holiday (except perhaps Msholozi, who is probably even now basting a succulent ox on the Nkandla spit while simultaneously charting our future out of the junkyard we find ourselves in. I can see his nimble fingers flying over the calculator keys and Excel formulae as he coolly weaves a complex web of many – zeroed numbers together).
With Guy of Diners, Drive – Ins and Dives fame in town, I thought we might turn our attention to traditional South African fare. I do hope Guy will be visiting my two favourite roadhouses in Germiston (there are only two anyway, I think). I recommend the slap chips with everything, Guy. Specifically, I would like to celebrate our much – loved national dish – KFC. There will be no mention of matters political in this post. I am sure that when Helen Zille opined that colonialism was not all bad (or something to that effect), she had KFC in mind, among other things. Incidentally, I would not recommend a measure as harsh as firing her (Musi). A year or two in a re-education camp would surely suffice. I, perhaps foolishly, think that her misdemeanour is just slightly less serious than wasting or ‘reallocating’ billions of hard – earned taxpayer rands. Not that I am suggesting that anyone actually did this – heaven forbid.
But, to far more important matters. How on earth could KFC be a traditional South African food, you ask. Let me point out that certain of our admired, hardworking political leaders have spent thousands of our tax rands on this nourishing, gourmet food. This tells me that it is essential to the efficient functioning of government in some areas (notably the Northern Cape, I think). This makes KFC a vital national fuel, so to speak. Mr Gigaba and the minister of agriculture, please do ensure that we never have a chicken shortage. This could lead to the collapse of services in those areas. Mind you, it is quite conceivable that no-one will notice the difference. While service delivery may not exactly be imbued with urgency and energy in those parts, it certainly seems that Mr Delivery has been kept busy.
I feel duty-bound to defend KFC. It has been alleged that chicken pieces were washed on the floor of a particular outlet. The people involved, I believe, explained that those pieces were for disposal, not consumption. I believe them, as KFC’s passion for the care and protection of birdlife is well known and they would not want scavenger birds, for example, somehow getting their beaks on something in less than pristine condition. This conscientious concern for hygiene bodes well for you and I, the faithful KFC consumers. Dear KFC, is this defence worth a bucket or two? Please don’t worry about delivery (it does seem to be rather a national problem). I will collect.
I also feel moved to defend a much maligned sports administrator of years gone by. Belated as this defence is, at least let history record the truth. The gentleman was allegedly spotted sucking the fingers of an attractive member of his staff, while dancing with her. His explanation (open to correction) ran something along the lines that it was not true as Vendas (with whom he aligned himself) do not indulge in activities such as finger sucking. With respect (and apologies for another weak pun), that sucks! The simple truth, as I see it, must be much more logical and practical. The lady had obviously just finished a finger-lickin, good meal and the gentleman was doing what any gentleman would do, coming to her assistance. To those of you who attributed less gallant motives to this old-fashioned display of courtly manners, I say: Shame on you! As an act of contrition, in similar spirit to our Truth and Reconciliation activities, I suggest the dispatch of a bucket or appropriate meal to my address below, for distribution to the needy. I must say that KFC missed a splendid opportunity for a memorable advertisement there. Perhaps a photo captioned something like: ‘Do Your Friends A Flavour’ might have garnered a few advertising awards. Nandos would have been on it like lightning.
Dear readers (or is it reader), i hope that you have found the absence of political comment in this post a refreshing change. I wish you enjoyment of your healthy KFC meal of choice. Let’s keep tradition alive (even if we cannot do the same for the chickens).
KFC, please convey my greetings to the Colonel (has he not been promoted yet?).
Richard J Mann
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