Dear Mr Gigaba
Respect restrains me from addressing you as Malusi, although I feel as if we are intimate friends. After all, your hand will regularly be in my wallet through SARS and two people cannot get much more intimate than that without crossing the boundaries of common decency.
There was a rumour last week that you had already signed the Russian deal but this cannot be true as you had not yet been sworn in (sworn at, perhaps by those jealous of your ascent to the most desired of portfolios). Of course, if you had signed the deal, I would have commended you as a man of action, not unlike my hero Donald. I trust that you are not also considering building a wall or two. By the way, Russia is an interesting choice for a nuclear deal. I imagine that it’s their Chernobyl experience that influenced the decision. Perhaps you might also consider the construction company that did Prophet Joshua’s extensions for large construction contracts.Incidentally, the rumour originated from my friend Koos, who also informed me that Elvis has been seen scoffing vetkoek in Pofadder while composing a South African version of one of his popular songs: Love to Tender.
As the man who will handle all the interesting challenges around state enterprises and will chart our journey from junk status to stability, I felt it important to learn a little about you. Incidentally, with regard to the troubled parastatals, my neighbour, Mrs Khumalo, runs a flourishing spaza shop from her house and may be able to advise.
In my research I came across references to gifts that you have received from various quarters - all declared, I am sure. I also received gifts from various quarters during my career, None of these had anything to do with the large contracts that I approved. I, of course, declared all of them, except the trip to celebrate the Spring festival in Rio, which I regard as a private celebration of a religious festival with friends, perhaps not unlike your celebration of the Deewali festival with friends in Saxonwold. One cannot put a monetary value on friendship - I think.
But to matters of prime importance. I hope that you will institute something similar to Tips for Trevor - messages for Malusi, for example. I suggest that SARS starts a national stokvel alongside the normal tax collection activities. I am willing to pay an additional R120 per annum, which amounts to R10 per month. Taxpayers would then be divided into groups that receive a payout each month of the year. I do expect to be in the first group, as the originator of the idea. Should there be a reward for this idea, I will reluctantly accept, out of courtesy. Mr Gigaba, the advantages of such a scheme are many and are obvious:
South Africans struggle to save, what with the price of such healthy foods as KFC. (Note to KFC: this is your third or fourth mention in this blog and I have yet to see an offer of remuneration in cash or kind). This scheme would make saving easy and fun
This is a uniquely African initiative and we could franchise it to other countries
Importantly, SARS people would become more popular than the president (oops, let’s rather say Trevor Noah). People will no longer see the taxman as a dreaded vampire. Officials will be able to come out of their coffi.. , sorry offices in daytime and stroll down streets, where mothers will say to their infants: “Johnny, wave at the nice taxman”.
Please, enclose with your response an itemized list of my tax contribution to Inkandla, the various interesting but mysterious initiatives that have aroused so much public interest (dairy farms etc) and the aforementioned parastatals. I do love to know that my tax money is helping to make South Africa a great, compassionate country.
I really do not wish to tax you any further (if you’ll forgive a silly pun) in your first few days of office but will be happy to write later,offering advice and suggestions. I do hope you stay longer than the other chap with the fascinating perspective on financial markets.
Yours in the struggle for good governance and clean government (not a reference to daily showers)
Richard
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