Smoking Gun
May 25th, 2020 by richardjmann
Dear Mr Cele
As I puffed on a legal cigarette, for which I have a printed receipt, I meditated on your brilliant strategy for keeping us South Africans safe and secure.
Now that all other crimes have shrunk to a trifling few thousand, you have turned your attention to those cunning, subtle villains, the smokers. I have no doubt that none of them will escape the long, octopus - like arm of the law, as your gallant forces demand receipts from those hordes of hardened criminals. Receipts which they will be unable to produce unless a black market in forged receipts springs up. Of course, you most probably already have contingency plans for such dastardly schemes. I can see crack teams of detectives doggedly following paper trails as they track the wicked to their gloomy lairs. One looks forward to your next presentation of crime statistics. ‘10 000 illegal smokers arrested, false receipts factories uncovered in 8 provinces’ etc. I envision a new South Africa, swept free of crime. Honest citizens will be able to walk the streets (between 5H01 and 19H59), without fear of nicotine-tainted wisps of smoke.
With such allies as the redoubtable NDZ and Ms Duarte, you cannot fail. Corona virus, murder, armed robbery - they obviously all pale besides the horrendous crime of illegal smoking. We must get these things into perspective. After all, our leadership is nothing if not logical. Sir, will there be rewards for exposing puffing neighbours and friends? That seems to have worked quite well in the Soviet Union and other people’s paradises.I feel a surge of patriotism coming on (and am a bit short of the ready for essentials such as cig.., sorry, toilet paper).
A little digression: following on that much talked-about press conference, it does seem the masks have a usefulness above and beyond protection from the virus. (Remember: the alleged E Cape gas leak?).
Yours in the grim struggle to maintain law and order.
Richard
As I puffed on a legal cigarette, for which I have a printed receipt, I meditated on your brilliant strategy for keeping us South Africans safe and secure.
Now that all other crimes have shrunk to a trifling few thousand, you have turned your attention to those cunning, subtle villains, the smokers. I have no doubt that none of them will escape the long, octopus - like arm of the law, as your gallant forces demand receipts from those hordes of hardened criminals. Receipts which they will be unable to produce unless a black market in forged receipts springs up. Of course, you most probably already have contingency plans for such dastardly schemes. I can see crack teams of detectives doggedly following paper trails as they track the wicked to their gloomy lairs. One looks forward to your next presentation of crime statistics. ‘10 000 illegal smokers arrested, false receipts factories uncovered in 8 provinces’ etc. I envision a new South Africa, swept free of crime. Honest citizens will be able to walk the streets (between 5H01 and 19H59), without fear of nicotine-tainted wisps of smoke.
With such allies as the redoubtable NDZ and Ms Duarte, you cannot fail. Corona virus, murder, armed robbery - they obviously all pale besides the horrendous crime of illegal smoking. We must get these things into perspective. After all, our leadership is nothing if not logical. Sir, will there be rewards for exposing puffing neighbours and friends? That seems to have worked quite well in the Soviet Union and other people’s paradises.I feel a surge of patriotism coming on (and am a bit short of the ready for essentials such as cig.., sorry, toilet paper).
A little digression: following on that much talked-about press conference, it does seem the masks have a usefulness above and beyond protection from the virus. (Remember: the alleged E Cape gas leak?).
Yours in the grim struggle to maintain law and order.
Richard
Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted
Capitec Bank, South Africa
1378565477
O Tichmann
+27 833970723
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