Dear Hlaudi
Seldom have I seen a person as abominably treated and as grossly misused as you have been.
I feel that it is my patriotic duty to set the record straight because I have caught your vision as surely and firmly as Jonty Rhodes ever caught a cricket ball. It came to me in a blinding flash -. I imagine similar to the one that unhorsed Saul of Tarsus - or was it Eugene Terreblanche. Sorry, I sometimes confuse these historic events (I was present at one of them - not sure which now)
I first want to affirm that your claim to being a natural leader cannot be contested. To have induced several hardened, cynical journalists to see the error of their ways and to leave the organisation in repentance is a rare leadership feat. You remind me of a younger Donald Trump, another of my heroes, along with Vladimir Putin and George Bush the younger (his father was a bit of a milksop).
Your decision to keep footage of riotous behaviour out of the news is in perfect harmony with my own view, as well as that of several experts (my neighbour, Lawrence, for example). Several of my friends are even now serving prison sentences for violence inspired by watching riots on the news. I myself have often had to take cold showers after viewing the news on CNN For my own health I discontinued the practice (both the showers and the news). I abhor violence to the extent that I was recently forced to beat a fellow in a bar to within an inch of his life for making statements that could have incited my fellow citizens to violence. We also need to turn the spotlight on (or rather off) such violent sports as rugby, soccer, wrestling and boxing. I fear that cricket is rapidly approaching the same slippery slope - what with sledging and malevolent stares. I have no doubt that we will soon witness horrific cricket riots (thankfully, you are there to stand in the gap). My own chess club will be hosting a chess tournament next weekend and I suggest that that would make good, wholesome family viewing (we will, of course check whether the knights might need some customizing to come across as less aggressive}.No need to thank me - my country tis of thee ….
I suggest that those unused news slots be filled with reruns of Mary Poppins, Nanny McPhee and Orphan Annie, interspersed with clips of our first citizen enjoying a hearty giggle. After all, laughter is the best medicine, as his own vigorous health and virility attest. I am confident that we will see a decrease in incidents of road rage and mall robberies as the nation is nourished on this healthy TV diet.
Your decision to increase local content dramatically cannot be faulted. Since Woodstock days and even before, foreign music has encouraged our youth to experiment with drug taking and to indulge in unbridled licentious behaviour (a phrase our president used to good effect in a speech on abstinence, I think - or was it Kenny Kunene?). A boy band (hmm) recorded a popular song called ‘Flying Without Wings’. If that does not allude to the use of mind altering substances, then I don’t know what does. Better by far the soothing strains of our own kwaito music or the award wining song encouraging us to kill Jean Claude van Damme.
There are those who harp on your alleged lack of a matric certificate. To them I say, since when did solving for x achieve anything of practical value in your life? I have never clinched a job interview on the basis of being able to name the chief agricultural crops of various Asian countries (I do not even eat rice). As for dissecting frogs, that is precisely the kind of mindless violence that you have so resolutely set your face against. I am about to launch a ‘Matric Must Fall #’ campaign. Contributions may be made direct to my slush f…sorry savings account. There is no evidence that Attila The Hun or Genghis Khan ever attempted, let alone completed, matric. Look at their achievements.
I trust that this sets the record straight and fully expect to see you back at the helm, steering us safely through these turbulent waters.
Yours in the (non-violent) struggle for good, wholesome family news.
richard
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