Dear Mr Mugabe
I have long delayed writing to you, being in awe of your reputation as a lion of the southern region of our continent. However, the passage of time and the knowledge that you are a man of the people like our own Msholozi, have emboldened me (I am still trying to work out which people).
I see you in a similar light to strong, democratic leaders such as the Kims of North Korea. I watched the televised funeral of one of those gentlemen. Such an unforced, nationwide outpouring of grief would have moved a stone to tears. In fact, some of my stoned friends wept (or it might have been the smoke in their eyes). I have no doubt that there will be a similar, global tsunami of grief when you shuffle off this mortal coil, as shuffle you must (as must we all - ‘Golden lads and girls all must, as chimney sweepers come to dust’). You will be pleased to know that I intend to be present to pay my respects, God willing. Of course your longevity tells me that you are surely marked out for the great leadership task you have been performing - or that you have excellent doctors at the institutions abroad that you visit. I know that it breaks you heart that many of your people cannot afford similar treatment - ah, the burdens of leadership. Truly, ‘uneasy lies the head that wears a crown’.
Your efforts in the area of transformation are the stuff of legend. Apparently Zimbabwe is now unrecognizable from the country it once was. Zimbabwean friends tell me that our own lot are following your example at twice the speed. How proud that must make you. Who can forget your fiery denunciation of that scoundrel Tony Blair at a conference. He should have fallen on his knees in contrition but instead smiled smugly in the typical fashion of a colonial overlord. May I invite you to be guest speaker at a conference on the evils of colonialism that I am planning. Helen Zille has promised to attend. Her statement that colonialism was not all bad (if I have that right) is rather like saying that home invasions have their benefits (eg. meeting new, interesting people with guns).
Incidentally, I hope you will have an opportunity to talk to our finance minister during that visit, as I hear that you have developed an exciting, innovative approach to dealing with financial crises. Is it true that people can now pay school fees and do bank transactions with goats and cattle in Zimbabwe? If so, I do hope that our banks follow suit soon. I have a couple of goats that I could trade with and perhaps throw in the two dogs and a stray cat that comes for feeding. All that is needed is to find a way to accommodate the animals in the queues at the teller counters.
Your land grab, sorry - restoration, programme is a lesson to us all. I am glad to see that you also abide by the counsel given in the Good Book, as I understand that much of the grabb.., restored land now lies fallow, as per the advice given to the ancient Israelites.
Zimbabwean friends and colleagues tell me that the spurious stories of the loss of all freedoms in your country are exactly that - false. There is apparently still freedom of speech in Zimbabwe. What happens after the speech is a different discussion. It is fascinating to see how your people have spread all over the globe, moved no doubt to spread the gospel of your unique concept of leadership and nationhood. The universal affection and regard in which you are held must surely have led to the coining of the expression ‘Bob’s your uncle’. I would also like to point out that stories of countrywide antipathy to you in the United Kingdom cannot possibly be true. I believe that Harrods, for example, have a great deal of regard for you and the first lady.
Uncle Bob, if I may make so bold, I tried to visit you for a spot of tea during my last visit to Harare but your street was blocked off and some rather gruff, armed gentlemen would not accept my explanation that I am a long time admirer - almost family, in fact. I trust that we can amend this on my next visit, as I am keen to hear from your own eloquent lips your philosophy on how to ruin- oops, run - a great country (a curse upon this keyboard - made in the UK, of course).
Till then, I am
Yours in the struggle for strong, democratic leadership in Africa.
Richard
#nozimbabwehere
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