Lawman

Lawman

Monday, July 10th, 2017

Dear Mr Mbalula

You are my kind of minister. It’s about time we had a ‘make my day’, ‘head them off at the pass’ kind of minister in this portfolio. Ever since you encouraged our Springbok rugby team to ‘moer’ the world cup opposition, I knew that you were destined for great things.

I see you as a composite of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry and a more articulate Rambo. May I suggest that you complete the branding with a magnum (gun, not champagne), some Dirty Harry - type checked suits and a fashionable shoulder holster. Would you mind if we nicknamed you ‘The Duke’. I think it’s a bit more dignified than Dirty Fikile.

The way in which you encouraged those parliamentarians to vote according to conscience - yours, not theirs - gives me the warm assurance that you will be taking no nonsense from villains.  I read that you mentioned disciplinary action in passing. May I suggest that you occasionally carry a cat o’ nine tails into the house; not to use, mind you, just as a symbolic reminder to any rebellious individuals who may want to challenge your undoubted authority.  If you can handle those difficult parliamentarians, then no villain could possibly be a match for you and your finest.

I am sure that the force will be treated to some stirring speeches. Please do not quote the ’shoot the bastards’ line used once before. There is no evidence that most villains were born out of wedlock and it may confuse our harassed police if a villain were to suddenly brandish birth and marriage certificates during a shootout.

Someone tweeted recently that you sometimes do not think when you speak. He is horribly mistaken - it happens all the time. That was just a joke, Mr Minister. Of course you think before you speak - just a bit differently. As do many men of vigour and action. Donald also does not think when he speaks. I think he does so long after. Nevertheless, he is building, if not a great nation, at least a great wall. To those who accuse you of such things, I say: “Does Rambo think when he speaks? Does Rambo speak?”

Incidentally, as you used to head the sports portfolio and have great relationships with various sporting figures, would you consider perhaps getting some of your differently shaped members of the force to scrum down with the Boks at practice? They do inspire more confidence when the uniforms actually fit. I would also suggest that you regularly show various Clint Eastwood movies to your men during team building and training exercises. If they can get the menacing drawl and slit - eyed stare right, we will probably see a drastic reduction in crime.

Burt Lancaster starred in a popular western called ‘Lawman’ a long time ago. Your oratory could be the equivalent of his blazing six-gun as you stalk through our own Wild West, rooting out lawlessness. I am sure that your threa.., sorry, encouragement to those politicians had them shaking in their fashionable shoes. You might also want to borrow from ‘Year of the Dragon’, where Mickey Rourke famously announces his entrance as police chief with ‘There’s a new sheriff in town’. You could also use excerpts of his first speech to his men. ‘I know that you have scar tissue on your souls’ could be adapted for some of our municipal police to ‘I know that you have scar tissue on your stomachs.’

We look forward to interesting times with you cleaning up the ‘town’ as Burt, Clint, Rambo and John Wayne would have, scattering wisecracks, quotable quotes and warnings as you go.

May the Force be with you.

Richard