Helen's Troy

Helen’s Troy
Saturday, June 17th, 2017

Helen’s Troy

Dear Helen

Is it something about the name? I don’t think anyone was actually killed for you but your party lost some blood. Many swords were drawn and wielded far on the ringing plains of windy Cape Town. And beyond. Your opponents also had a wooden horse - your tweet. Really, Helen. That was like saying that home invasions have some benefits. One meets interesting, new people - with guns. It’s been said that righteous indignation is a weapon politicians love to use. Even the unrighteous wield it gleefully. Many of our worthy politicians live in the flimsiest of glass houses but they throw bricks with the best of them. You may not have launched a thousand ships but several times that many tweets. I did, however find some support for your contention that colonialism was not entirely without benefits. It was in the gloomy depths of the Germiston public library that I unearthed the diary of Sir Herbert Huddlefoot of the Fifth. I have quoted excerpts below.

Thursday, 15 January 1879

Pleasant afternoon over drinks with that government wallah, Smithers. Does go on a bit about the local help though. Complained about a fellow going off to a funeral. Would have understood if it was his own he said. Not saying he’d approve but wouldn’t mind so much. Never sure whether Smithers is joking or not. Says he was forced to have a fellow flogged for asking impertinent, seditious questions about wages. Chap expired. Rum business but the natives need a firm, guiding hand. Else they’ll be demanding something like some form of self – determination next. Heaven forbid, this is a crown possession.

Must say that life in the colony not without some benefits. Good weather, good sport. Grass a little coarse but still good for a chukka or two. Some of the colonials do a decent steak on an open fire. Can barely speak the language of Shakespeare though. One shudders. Clearly, Her Majesty’s beneficent rule will bring some decent education of a rudimentary sort. Fit them better for their place in the order of things.

Plenty of local labour for Her Majesty’s work here. After all, labour makes free. Just need some persuasion and a smidgeon of training. Take old Simeon. Couldn’t speak a word of English or write his own name. Mixes a good gin and tonic now. Benefits of benevolent British rule. Makes one glad to be an Englishman. Progress and Christianity to the farthest corners of the Empire. After all, God is an Englishman, isn’t He. Any fool reading the King James can see that.

Well, off tomorrow to quell that little rebellion. Firm hand, as i said. Must take my golf clubs. Can’t see the action lasting that long. No, afraid this one won’t be lighting up the pages of the history books. What’s the name of the wretched spot again – something like I Sandwana.

Dear Helen, from what I have seen and read, you are that rare species of politician, practical, effective, conscientious. You did do a sharp foot - mouth shuffle this time, though. Happens to the best of us. And the worst. Best to quietly remove the offending member, I think.

Yours in the struggle for political correctness.

Richard