Dear Mr President
I want to hasten to assure you that you are not the first great leader to be booed by his own comrades. Many prominent leaders endured the same insolent treatment. I just cannot think of any names at present but will write to you again when I do. I am sure that the troops of Attila The Hun were sorely tempted to boo when told they had to invade a country such as Britain. Likewise Shaka’s men when told to go somewhere like the Free State. They were more restrained and kept their heads.
One of your alliance partners reportedly said that booing is healthy. I agree wholeheartedly. I feel quite invigorated after booing lustily at rugby matches when the Sharks are being robbed. Especially when the booing is accompanied by meaningful gestures and the hurling of containers. Of course, I am not a vandal, so I ensure that the containers are empty before throwing them. Nor am I a bad sport. The referee is always the target, not the opposing team (well the odd one may go astray).
Mr President, before we return to the ticklish problem of your being booed by your own side, I need to mention a matter of national and perhaps even international importance. I have noticed a blatant bias on the part of referees whenever the Sharks have lost a match. Just as there have been plots against you (the booing saga being the latest), I believe that there is a sinister plot afoot to deprive the Sharks of the rugby crown that is rightfully theirs. Free State people are salt of the earth types. The Cape Town lot are too laid back and fun loving to be involved in such chicanery. It must therefore emanate from that den of iniquity called Gauteng. Probably an unholy alliance across the Jukskei. I am willing to testify in camera at the inquiry that I am sure you will initiate immediately (the arms deal stuff can be put on hold in the interim). Suitably protected, of course, by snipers and elite troops. I will need to be on the witness protection programme and the One And Only hotel would make a good base. I am, as mentioned before, uncomfortable with ostentatious luxury but will grit my teeth and endure (for justice and truth), just as you endured in Paris.
To the matter of the scandalous booing that you had to endure - this does not bode well for your future. However, I do have a plan which I am sure will please you greatly. I have always been fascinated by escape artists such as the Great Houdini. It struck me, while meditating on your dilemma, that there is no-one who can hold a candle to you in those mysterious arts. American politicians have come up with such pathetic justifications as: “I never had sexual relations with that woman,” or “I smoked marijuana but I did not inhale”. Your ‘I had a shower afterwards’ is a classic that will stand the test of time. I am in talks with various producers with a view to a remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic, ‘Psycho’. The shower scene alone will probably earn us an Oscar for best foreign film. I see Julius as a chilling Norman Bates character, stalking you with a panga, while you lustily sing ‘Umshini Wami’ behind the shower curtain. I have goose pimples even as I type this.
Digressions aside, my plan for your future outside the political arena involves countrywide tours and eventually international tours, as you dazzle the crowds with your almost supernatural skills as an escape artist. I am willing to be your agent. Houdini’s spectacular escapes will seem like child’s play. I have many scenarios in mind but the showstopper will be as follows: I see you in a courtroom full of constitutional court judges, EFF and DA MPs, public protectors and a motley assortment of protestors. As you weave your way past their empty, clutching hands and uselessly flapping documents, chuckling all the while, I can almost hear the thunderous applause. How does that grab you, Mr President? Possible working titles for now could be ‘The Presidential Pimpernel’ or ‘The Mysterious Msholozi’. Let them boo, Mr President. Soon, the whole world will be cheering your sublime performances.
I have a contract drawn up and await your response.
Till then, I am
Yours in the transformation of show business
Richard
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