Viral

Viral
Friday, March 20th, 2020

Dear Mr President

Greetings in this hour of great peril and so forth (apologies to The King’s Speech).

You will no doubt be pleased to know that we, in Primrose, are doing our bit in accordance with your sage advice. We have already fired the hundredth member of our Club 100. This is in order to keep our numbers down to 99, which I gather is a number in which the virus takes little interest. The member had not paid his dues for some time anyway.

With workplaces being dangerous, potential hothouses for disease, I propose a bold experiment, in which I offer myself as a human guinea-pig. Could you issue a presidential edict to the effect that my workplace have only 5 employees present at any time. I am willing to be the first to study firsthand the effects of prolonged (paid) absence from work in difficult times. I will gladly address a sitting of 99 parliamentarians after a suitable interval.

Returning to the civic - minded folk of Primrose, even the retailers of alternative pharmaceuticals on our street corners and in their dens are insisting on the use of hand - sanitizers. Sir, this must be an example to all politicians to put aside differences and work together in this hour of great peril - sorry, said that before. Surely, the superior logic (quoting Floyd) of the EFF is needed as never before. They need to give that logic verbal expression rather than the tactile stuff we have become accustomed to. I imagine a chokehold carries as much risk as a handshake. I suggest we also look further than Western medical science. Perhaps the IFP and others could research and present a paper entitled ‘What Would Shaka Do?’

A reformed alternative pharmacist told me that crystal meth users do not suffer from colds and flu. It may be that they just don’t notice while on the heights. Please pass that on to the relevant ministers anyway.

On a positive note, for once we are the ones refusing visas to Brits and others. One can imagine an outraged British visitor spluttering a variation on that line from a very bad horror movie:

“Corona! Good heavens! We’re British!”

Sir, should I come across any other suggested remedies from the good burghers of Primrose, I shall make haste to pass them on. Till then I am:

Yours in the struggle against microorganisms.

Richard