By The Book

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am outraged. 

I am a voracious reader. I swallow whole the works of such thinkers as Dr Ace, Minister Fearbuggerall and Ms Duarte. The Daily Sun keeps me abreast (no pun intended) of the latest in the twilight world of the undead and things fleshly. Occasional light reading includes offerings from EFF and other ANC luminaries. I've read most of the works of that English chap from Stratford on Avon. The comic book versions have nice artwork. (I particularly like the one of Hamlet leaping from a balcony to despatch the villainous king. Ah, great literature).

Now I learn that this is a highly sought after skill in some government departments (or is it only SARS). I picked this up in a back issue of the State Capture Commission stuff.

And here I have been doing it for nothing.

Ms Mthebule was clearly highly competent. I can see her turning pages swiftly, gracefully, soundlessly. A performance deserving of over R2 million. I can read silently and aloud in five languages, including Wentworth slang. I have a passion for books. My shelves hold a massive collection sourced from various municipal libraries.

Why should I not be offered a similar opportunity? 

ANC government, I await your call.

Yours in the struggle for decent, meaningful jobs.

Richard 

 

Voting With Feet

 Dear Ms Mazibuko

Like many other South Africans, I too, was outraged on viewing the chicken feet video. It showed the kind of poor judgement of which the Party has so often been guilty. Chicken necks would have been a better choice. More meat. Value for money. 

Nevertheless, I commend you for your support of the local economy. 

“ It is known that wherever I go, I buy food in the community to support the local economy. Fat [cakes] are my favourite. But I decided to apologise because there were things said [on the video] that may not sit well with people."

I myself run a fatcake stall. Please let me know when you'll be campaigning in the area. I'll ensure a plentiful supply as you are big on support. Please bring more than R30. The fatcakes are made with eleven secret herbs and spices. A tribute to the other national dish so favoured by the Party.

I have heard of people voting with their feet. Campaigning with chicken feet is a new one. The Party has always been creative. I suppose we can chalk this up as another good story. Then there's the symbolism. In some countries (details to follow), chicken feet are a symbol for hard work: scratching in the dirt, scrabbling around.....

I do hope that you shared the chicken feet in the community. I would guess that you did have other chicken parts waiting back home. A good, wholesome meal after a hard day's campaigning. I trust that the voters were as impressed as I am. 

As for apologizing, whatever for? Honesty in campaigning is refreshing. As rare as an admission at the Zondo Commission. As uncommon as a well-run municipality. Do keep it up. Bon appetit.

One hopes the voters will follow your fine example: vote with their feet.

Yours in the struggle for meaty, transparent election campaigns.

Richard 

Captured

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am writing a unique, South African series for newly open SABC TV. I'm sure that they will be open to airing it. 

The series, working title 'Captured', should rival the BBC's dramatization of 'War And Peace'. Coincidentally, it also features a scarlet  - clad, Napoleon - like conqueror.

I am just a little concerned that audiences may find some of the events far-fetched, even for an epic of this nature.

Without giving away too much of the ever-thickening plot, a brief overview:

A former singer, dancer and comedian turned politician seizes power in an African state. He has a chance meeting with some foreign businessman from a powerful family. Over a spicy vegetarian meal, he falls under the spell of their quick wit and charm.  Working on the premise that the quickest way to a politician's heart is through his stomach and it's immediate environs, the family worms its way into the halls of power.

There are dramatic scenes to rival some of William's work. In one such, the president, about to be deposed, cries out like a rain-drenched King Lear: 'What have I done?' Leavening the drama are some darkly humourous moments. A mixed martial arts contest in the house of parliament is one such. Another is the scene in which politicians struggle to carry a rotund, martyred comrade to the prison gates. "We should have done this on the return journey", one of them mutters.

With something for everyone, the series also has a Bollywood feel. The dancing of the politicians, led by the nimble-footed president, will have you tapping your toes. Jazz tunes by The Brothers make for a memorable score. The horns and pipes are hypnotic in effect. A musical high point is a courtroom scene in which the estranged wife of one of the main characters sings like a nightingale. I still have goosebumps.

There is a bit of everything in the series and a lot of some things. To say more would be telling. Coming to a small screen near you. Suffice it to say that a sequel is a distinct possibility. Waiting, like Hamlet, in the wings is the eloquent son of the deposed president.

Of course, any resemblance to people living, dead or difficult to categorize is a helluva coincidence.

I am still a  little worried that I might have stretched the limits of suspension of disbelief. I'd value your opinions. Will it fly?

Yours in the struggle for original African epics. 

Richard 

 

 

ANC's 'A Wrinkle In Time'

 'Parliament did not have the time, resources or capacity to investigate the early “noise” and “rumours” about the coordinated and wholesale looting of South Africa’s public coffers, Baleka Mbete told the state capture commission on Monday night.'

So says a Mail and Guardian report.

Ms Mbete, fully conscious that the WMC press exists solely to embarrass the Party, I wish to put things in perspective. I too, have not had the time, resources or capacity to do several thing. I've heard noises and rumours about tax season but.... The other day my neighbour was being tortured by home invaders. I was fully occupied with watching a parliamentary debate on open SABC TV. It was about the meaning of the word 'fokol'. A crucial concept in present - day South Africa. To forestall howls of outrage, let me point out that I did take action. I swiftly turned up the sound, as the screams were beginning to distract me from my civic duty. At any rate, Mr Cele, like the gallant World War II forces, is on the beach. 

People do not understand that there are larger issues. As long as William Nicol Drive remains William Nicol Drive, we will flounder in post - colonial economic misery. Already one can see the benefits of renaming Port Elizabeth Gqeberha. After all, who had heard of Port Elizabeth before? I'm sure that the town is now teeming with Japanese tourists, lured thence by the exotic name. Schoolchildren all over South Africa are probably, even now, browsing through Wikipedia for meaning, pronunciation and etymology. The march of progress continues.

Ms Mbete, you continue the good work that you did in the memorable Al Jazeera interview. That had me shaking with uncontrollable mir.., pardon, admiration. You handled such profound issues as when a swimming pool is not a swimming pool with great aplomb. 

Unkind folk sing the 'see no evil, hear no evil' song (I forget what the third one is). I understand that the demanding responsibility of directing difficult parliamentarians to take their seats is as onerous as rearranging deck chairs on a rapidly sinking ocean liner.

Yours in the struggle for perspective.

Richard

The South African Hunger Games

 Let's be frank. Our elections have nothing to do with competence, track record, integrity. In truth, none of those silly relics of colonial thought are relevant. We are about entertainment, showbiz and, er, subtle inducements.

Municipal elections approach. I propose an appropriate format for our times and our beloved country. A showbiz extravaganza that has all the elements that make our elections so special. Televised, this will give the national broadcaster a powerful shot in the butt. Far better than the mindless gibbering about 'open'.

First up would be the game show Family Feud. The ANC should ace that one. 

Braaimasters next, as the contest heats up. The ANC could do roosterbrood, buttered on both sides. Floyd could batter something for the EFF. The DA would argue among themselves about the colour and consistency of the marinade. Skilpaaidjies would nicely symbolize the FF+ march of progress. Toast for Cope.

Politicians Got Talent would have our honourables doing what they do best. Jumping through hoops, magically making stuff disappear, stand-up comedy, song and dance. 

After those exertions, a relaxing Balderdash contest would round things off beautifully.  This popular game involves making up imaginative definitions for various unfamiliar words. The ANC could tackle 'integrity', ' service', 'decency'. For the EFF, add the difficult  'credibility',   'consistency' and 'dignity'.  'Reality' should challenge the DA - for starters. For the rest, 'relevance' should have them puzzling mightily. The climax would be having them all wrap their heads around 'vision' and 'nation-building'.

There you have it, fellow South Africans: The Election Games. Also nicknamed The Hunger Games.

The Real Nine O' Clock News

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I need your help - really.

I awoke from a pleasant dream this afternoon. Dr Ace was apologizing to me for something. He had just handed me a wad of cash and some share certificates for a housing project. A thunderous explosion had me leaping to my feet mid - snore.

There on ETV news was a chaotic battle in mid - Joburg. Friends later told me not to be ridiculous. That it was a Marvel Comics movie. I don't believe that and fully expect to see the video on Yusuf Abramjee's Twitter timeline.

We regularly have little red men marching around causing chaos. We have a farting pastor, two senior citizens hogging headlines for brazenness and buffoonery and much more. There's nothing unusual about a huge green man battling a giant robot, while a fellow in an iron suit flies overhead. Besides, here's irrefutable proof:

1. While Johannesburg crumbled around them, residents went about their business. A little perturbed yes, but not hysterical. I could have

 sworn that I saw two vendors selling magwinyas amidst the mayhem.

2. No - one was arrested. The police fired thousands of rounds and missed the guilty parties.

3. Someone said: 'Bruce Banner will not be arrested'. That's the clincher. None of the people who stripped and destroyed the country have been arrested. That's definitely real South Africa.

I know that you don't usually respond to my requests but please, please make an exception. This is critical. I have a R100 bet riding on it.

Yours in the struggle for real news reporting.

Richard 

Ace In The Hole

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have formed an organisation called Defence of Ace (DA). Our first act is to  clearly prove and show that if anyone should apologise, it is the dark, or rather, pale forces of White Monopoly Capital.

Applying the sort of rational, unemotional approach that a philosopher such as Dr Ace might use, we put the following to you.

Were it not for apartheid and all its attendant evils, we would not be in this somewhat awkward position. In fact, the formation of the ANC would not have been necessary. One could terminate this argument right here. We have exposed the heart of darkness.

However, as the serpent still slithers in our midst (and we need to meet the required number of words for this letter), let us delve deeper.

Our theory, based on various clues not immediately evident to the untrained eye, is as follows. The so-called counter-suspension letter was a devilishly clever forgery. We quote:

"I have also, in accordance with the powers vested in me as the secretary-general of the ANC, and furthermore, in full compliance with the relevant conference resolutions summarily, suspended the president of the ANC, Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa (sic)," 

Below is what we believe Dr Ace actually wrote. Note the similarities. So easy for a cunning forger to produce the counterfeit above.

'I have also, in accordance with the responsibility vested in me as the secretary general of the ANC, and furthermore, in full compliance with the relevant conference resolutions, summarily suspended all my activities, deferring to the president of the ANC, Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa.'

Dear fellow South Africans, the Stellenbosch Mafia and others may underestimate our intelligence and vigilance. Study the suspected forgery above. Dr Ace would never use the word 'sic'. Just one of several clues. 

We therefore say: de Klerk, Rupert and the rest, we await your apology.

Yours in the struggle for justice, truth and other good stuff.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

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