And Justice For All

 Dear Mr Trump

Like our own Mr Zuma, you have been hard done by. Under different  circumstances you would have been revered like Lincoln or the fellow with the wooden teeth. Those different circumstances being, for instance, If you hadn't done some weird, unpresidential stuff or been born into the Lincoln family.

 Mr Zuma faced about 800 corruption charges since about 2016. After much muddy water under an assortment of  bridges, he now faces some sixteen charges. I don't know whether some charges went into an 'all of the above' sort of general category. 

The point, sir, is that you reportedly face some 34 charges. Using the formula arising out of our enlightened approach to prosecution (112 charges 'expiring' per year), why sir, your slate would be wiped clean in just over three months. You see the method in my seeming madness, Mr  President? 

Your chances in our advanced system are far greater than those in your antiquated, medieval American system. All that you need to do is to argue that your only prospect of getting a truly fair trial is in a sh...hole  country like ours. Methinks a solid, rational argument, hard to refute. We could do a temporary swop with Zuma, a  statesman with so many similar skills and ways that many of your compatriots will not even realize that you  are  absent. And he sings and dances as well as you do.

Incidentally, Mr Zuma's playbook  of appeals and lawsuits  might be helpful to you. We have it, from unreliable  sources, that he plans to sue The Almighty next. You will enjoy our broadminded, decolonised, robust approach to trials. A lawyer once reportedly accused a judge of witchcraft. Bet you don't have such esoteric, intellectual arguments in your courts.

We do still use some Latin, to good effect. Example:

"Your Honour, I don't know what to say about this....this f@#$%d up situation."

I think you'll feel quite at home with that.

By the way, we don't  have the electric chair, but that's a moot point. We don't have electricity either.

I, for one, look forward to your wiping the floor with those (leftist? communist? pinko liberal?) legal types.

Yours in the struggle for justice for all.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

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You'll Be Sorry

 Dear Liberation Movement 

'If you don't vote for us, you'll be sorry.'

So inspirational, ANC.  

Beats the hell out of insipid stuff like 'Make America Great Again' and 'Yes, We Can!' Great stuff comrades - the sort of call to the patriotic heart that makes strong men swoon. 

This will look marvellous on your election posters. You could shorten some of them to 'You'll be sorry'. Nice ring to it and an intriguing whiff of menace and mystery. Accompanying, colourful  pictures of some of your well-midriff-muscled candidates would make it a classic of election poster art. Perhaps going for six figure sums at Sotheby's.

Says a headline:

ANC’s Gwede Mantashe says South Africans would live to regret voting ruling party out of power

'At least they would live', quipped a cynical friend. I have no idea what he meant. You know how these clever blacks and colonial clerks are.

I thought long and hard about this profound message (okay, a few minutes in the loo).

We might miss the brilliant one-liners (medicine transported by head, smallanyana skeletons and so much more). 'Those flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar'.

We'll trade that for a decrease in trauma any day, as a real government gets on with the prosaic business of making South Africa liveable again.

Will we miss the blundering and bumbling (when not sleeping) of the guardian's of law, order and justice, as an assortment of villains runs rings around them? Call it a hunch; I doubt it.

And the absorbing, speculative math game of guess the real size of the looting iceberg? Looting achievements that would have left Genghis gasping in envy, the Vandals and the Goths slack-jawed in admiration.

What of the wit and eloquence of Moonwalker Mbalula, the electrifying performance of the 'what corruption?' minister of darkness, the humour of Jacob, the Laughing Cavalier, the brooding Hamlet-like soliloquies of Cyril the Silent? Perhaps on a slow day.

Yes, there will be much to regret. Mainly that we were blind enough to think that you could govern a chicken run, let alone a country. So much regret, so little time.

Nevertheless, we will bid you farewell with a hearty, sincere South African  VOETSEK.

Yours in the struggle to not miss you too much.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Class of 1652

 Dear Mr Mpofu

The new electricity minister has an epiphany. The stuff of Nobel prize nominations,  to wit (as you legal eagles are wont to say): 

A reliable supply of power = ultimate end of loadshedding. (I am still mesmerized each time I read this).

Now, with his hand stretched out to grasp the coveted medal, you have handed the Nobel Prize Committee a gigantic headache. You traced ALL our national problems past, present and, I assume, future, with laser-like precision to the exact date of 6 April 1652.  Two world-changing discoveries in the same year. It's almost too much to take in, even for the country that gave birth to the likes of Hlaudi Motsoeneng. Ah, wait, a simple solution: he gets the physics prize and you are deserving winner of the peace prize.

I quote from your magnum opus, first published in that leading political science journal, Twitter.

"On this day 6 April 1652 ALL the problems of the Southern tip of our beloved continent started….

It will take a monumental effort on the part of all patriots to erase  all the rot,hatred,misery,racism,landlessness and bloodshed which characterised our society since that day!✊🏾"

I agree that a monumental effort is required. No-one can accuse you of not doing your part in quenching the fires of hatred and division  on our southern tip. I think that a vital part of that effort has to be the construction of a working time machine. For many comrades, nothing short of a comprehensive moering of that damned, smiling villain, van Whatisname, will suffice. 

I always knew deep in my heart that we couldn't possibly be responsible for the horrific violence, the crime, the corruption, the incompetent bumbling and clowning. Those 1652 devils made us do it. After all, prior to their arrival  (curse the day), this land was a veritable   garden of Eden, minus snake. Now we have the ubunja philosophy: I am a thief / fraud / thug because of 1652.

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Thabo Bester and others of his ilk do unspeakable things under the slumbering noses of the authorities. The Guptas skip blithely to new adventures in corrupto-colonialism. Zuma-numbing  amounts  are looted with gay abandon. Buffoonery scales heroic new heights.With each fresh outrage, I merely chant the calming mantra: '6 April 1652' and it is the well with my soul. You probably do not realise what a difference your sterling detective work has made. Even as music soothes the savage beast, so does your revelation soothe our troubled breasts.

Some clothing was stolen off my washing line today. Did I curse, swear revenge? "6 April, 1652", I whispered to the Durban breeze. I sensed that the universe smiled.

Just between us, sir, I think those vile, imperialist running dogs are behind your run of bad luck in the courts. May I recommend a friend who consults on that sort of thing. I think you'll find his fees as reasonable as I'm sure yours are.

I wonder, sir, why you didn't go all the way back to Adam and  Eve. They tend to get blamed for all sorts of stuff, anyway. If you tend towards the other theory, the gases involved in the big bang. Gas and popping sounds make a nice backdrop to your story.

Viva superior logic, viva!

Yours in the struggle to break historic cold cases.

Richard

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Wonderful World Of Whatabout and Wenzeni

 A classic South African Twitter debate, fictional but as close to the real thing  as a famous KZN father - daughter team are to each other

One cannot but be blown away by the eloquence, the lucid reasoning and the ravenous hunger for truth. 

This is probably why our problem solving skills and problem solving  record are up there with NASAs. 

"He was the best president we ever had. He created jobs."

"Yes, for pals. Treasury, police etc. Security cluster became a clustermuck"

"Prove it."

'Read, man, read!

By 2014 1.5 million jobs had been lost since your hero came into power, thanks to job-unfriendly legislation. Most jobs created were in the already bloated civil service whose service remains like horse manure and water."

"As if the apartheid government didn't create jobs for whites."

"How long are you going to ride that dead horse?" 

"Easy for you with your white privilege." 

"I'm black." 

"Colonial clerk!"

"No, bloody clever black, moron!"

"IMoron unyoko!"

"So tell me. wenzenista: does a decent man, a man of integrity, run for public office  with rape charges and dozens of other charges hanging over him?"

"Where's the proof?"

"Ask the National Prosecuting Authority . Maybe if he'd stand still long enough to face his accusers in court, you'd have your answer."

"The judiciary is captured."

"Only when it's  not ruling for your master."

"House negro!"

You are supposed to be anti-American but you ape them. Anyway you and your ilk are true house negroes. All you repeat is your massa's kitchen gossip. Scared to get out into the real world  and let the winds of evidence blow some common sense into your skull."

"What evidence?"

"Thousands of pages and hours of testimony. Again man, read!"

"What about dollars in couches?"

"Oh, also an accomplished whataboutist. What school of rhetoric do all you guys attend?"

"Did your white handlers teach you that?"

"You could get a damned good price for your brain."

"What?"

"No mileage. Totally unused."

"Fuseg ms@#%%!"

"F#$% You very much!"

End of Act 1.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Giants of Service Excellence

Every night before pension payout day, I hug myself with delight as I drift off to sleep. 

The reason: the joy of interacting with my local giants of service excellence, Shoprite and Capitec (branches not named to protect the guilty). 

Shoprite, your service is not bad. It's execrable. Pensioners queue, knees ache, cashiers disappear and re-appear in time to a mysterious celestial beat that only Shoprite hears. Communication is verboten.

Like the Englishman who replayed the rugby world cup final against South Africa, in the hope that it might end differently, I approached the queue hopefully. A short queue. Oh joy unspeakable! But Shoprite had a card to play. Cashier disappears. Time crawls on its belly. Cashiers re-appear when all hope is gone. They argue among themselves. An unhappy looking fellow finally mans the abandoned till. Another joyous pension day.

And now to Capitec. Your service is  - I sought long and hard for a way to put this delicately  - shite. Why don't you have both ATMs accept deposits? Have you not noticed that the deposits queue is invariably like a Soviet bread queue on a particularly bad day? Why don't you waive those ridiculous in-bank deposit charges on days when your ATM breaks down?

I went to enquire about money sent to me from the U.S. and inexplicably delayed. Previous deposits have appeared as soon as the transferring company mailed me that it was done. This particular deposit is swaying gently in the breezes of some place of limbo called the Transferring Bank. Or something. The banking equivalent of purgatory, I  imagine.

Some of our amiable exchanges:

"I know that previous deposits were quicker. It's not always the same, sir."

"Surely it should be. It's called consistency."

"It's because it's from another country."

"The world has become incredibly small. I'd understand if the deposit were from another planet."

"People are stealing billions in this country. Your systems have the resources, time and energy to mess with a citizen's rental money, miniscule by comparison."

And many more pleasantries of the sort to gladden the burdened heart.

Guys, some suggestions:

1. Stop acting like caricatures of manchingelanes at a dubious nightclub.

2. Show the customer some respect. Your 'eff the customer' approach to service piles on the misery already inflicted by your role model, government. Guys, you don't have to imitate them, truly.

3. There is no excuse for poor service. Challenges have solutions  - if you care to look for them. Or if you care, period.

4. Understand that the money is ours, not yours.

Outside the mall was a large delivery truck. A colourful panel on one side, with a picture of a lion, proclaimed:

"We protect what's most important!"

I thought that would be people. How stupid.

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

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Nkosi Sikelela

 I have taken to denying that I am South African.

Our politics and our reasoning are embarrassingly bizarre.

The language and  gymnastics of George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four live large in our country. Together with some bland socialist biltong.

Our own Ministry of Plenty grasped a glorious photo opportunity recently. Gasp! Two kettles and two stoves donated to a community.. Smiling faces and smart suits around the glittering gifts. Viva ANC!  Shall we dance from  new dawn to new dusk?

A gentleman appears in court for alleged looting conducted from his smart Mercedes. Hats off to him for bringing style and panache to the grubby business of looting. He is being prosecuted / persecuted because he is a black man with a smart car, opines a knowledgeable Twitteratus. I hope that the comment was satirical. If not, that's a stupidity as terminal as the illnesses that got some fine  gentlemen released from state custody, in recent times.

We have the politics of pedigree. If you once wore  camouflage uniforms and fired AK47s into the air, It follows that you can govern. This is regardless of 

how complete a rejected dog's breakfast you have made of it to date,

On the other hand,  clean, safe, functioning cities are just racist sleight of hand. And that party can't dance. To the whataboutists who might wonder  how  much the DA and others  are paying me: buggerall, but you're welcome to contribute, account details below.

We have the politics of promises, pirouettes, capering and scrotum squeezing. We are the party of the people (who meet specific melanin and border fence crawling skills criteria). You can see it by the overalls we wear over our Calvin Kleins and Breitling watches. What have we contributed? Lots  and lots of marches, entertaining threats, insults and speeches. Oh, and grand promises. What's more, we are the only party with banking expertise.

Man, I don't care if a green monkey from Mars becomes our next president, just as long as it leads us out of this pit toilet with commonsense, competence and compassion. And is properly documented.

If your heart's desire is to entrust your children's future to gibbering / thieving / incompetent buffoons, why, that is your democratic right. I cannot, for the life of me imagine why. But then, what do I know, not having fired an AK into the air or experienced the silken caress of Calvins and coveralls.

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More South African Limericks

 A genial fellow named Julius

Was apoplectic and furious

His shutdown was bunkum

The PR was hokum

So he yelled out: "I've got your scrotum!"

The minister of Electricity 

A genius of some eccentricity 

Made a Sherlock Holmes - like deduction 

To nation wide acclamation 

Our problem is tech, not corruption

An ANC politician

A consummate, master tactician

Like a Shakespeare cloned 

He boldly intoned

We will leave no turn unstoned

At the hospital in Tembisa 

They try very hard to please ya

No hospital gown

Dressing up like a clown 

With skinny jeans you'll be down 

In Africa, south of the border

Reigned chaos, crime and disorder 

The  leadership said "Drink your gin and your beer

There's nothing to fear

As long as the  ANC's near

Renowned for our innovation

And a passion for education

When of a school we tire

We just set it on fire

Amid dancing and much jubilation 

Our cricket and rugby is fine

With soccer we need help divine

In others we do fairly well

Our top sport, truth to tell:

Is looting, in which we excel

A jovial fellow named Zuma

Was dreadfully ill went the rumour

But he belted a tune

Danced from morning till noon

Told the illness "Voetsek, wena, phuma!"

Elon Musk discovered a nexus

"Cars electric won't vex us"

But Eskom's loadshedding 

Made him roll up his bedding 

And he relocated to Texas

Our parties in opposition 

To save SA is their mission 

But when it comes to the crunch

Government has them for lunch

As substantial as an apparition 

PresIdent Vladimir Putin 

To South Africa rode an Ilyushin

"Arrest him", some cried

But they'd rather have died

For this comrade they're solidly rootin'

A criminal called Thabo Beater

In his prison cell held a fiesta

Then he burned down the cell 

A dead body as well 

And to Sandton he went post-siesta

 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723