Trump, Zuma, Malema for President

Dear Mr Trump 

You could have destroyed your campaign with that remarkably witless comment about NATO. 

Fortunately for you, it doesn't matter to the cult members what you say. You could sing 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' to thunderous applause. We, in the sh..hole countries (as some clown once referred to us), know this well. We have our share of populist politicians with mandibular dislocation (python-like mouth stretching). 

And you call Joe Biden a mental basket case.

It's intriguing that you so resemble our own Zuma, Malema and others. Every time you open your mouths, you destroy any remaining illusions about your fitness for office. I'm not saying that you couldn't be presidents - of, say, a small football club. 

This does beg a question. Which came first: sh..hole politicians or sh..hole voters? Important, because we seem to be digging ever bigger sh..holes around the world, wielding our democratic rights and privileges as a mean brat wields a hammer.

I'm glad that we are not NATO members. We sometimes have a little trouble paying bills. And you said that bills must be paid. Or else. (I love it when you go all persuasive and diplomatic). Terrible if you encouraged Russia to attack us for unpaid  bills. Of course that's academic. Russia would never attack us. They are our loyal mast..., pardon, mates. When the West was giving them the cold shoulder, we even loaded a uniquely South African product, fokol, onto one of their ships one night. (See The Scuffle Continues : Bringing Fokol to the World: https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2023/05/bringing-fokol-to-world.html )

Nevertheless, your idea is not without merit, applied elsewhere. Banks could not only refuse to help errant debtors,  but even encourage willing third parties to attack them. As I was saying to my bank manager when he complained about my....er, that's not really relevant here. Mr Trump, when you were in business, did you....., nah, perish the thought.

Well, sir, thank goodness for sh..hole politics. I wouldn't be too concerned, if I were you. Prattle on.

Yours in the struggle for significance on the global stage.

Richard 

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Promised Land

Dear Mr Ramaphosa 

I joined your electrifying (in a purely figurative sense) State of the Nation address rather late. 

I was delayed while compiling a letter of commiseration to Mr Malema. I agree with him that the barring of EFF politicians from disrup....., pardon, attending the address is undemocratic. I might add: racist, white-tendencied, bloody agent-like, counter revolutionary and also not nice. I am willing to kill and / or die (or all of the above) for the principle that highly paid, privileged legislators may behave like nyaope inspired hooligans if they so desire. Also that nyaope users may behave like honourable members if they so desire.

But, to the purpose of my letter. I was moved, inspired, intoxicated by your address - between brief power naps. I do not understand why some people responded negatively. I suppose that's what one can expect from recipients of white privilege,  who will complain at the slightest inconvenience e.g. rampant, brutal crime, occasional daily power outages, some regular corruption and other minor irritants.

What I'm really interested in is the country of which you spoke so poetically. The land of Tintswalo. It can't be the Western Cape, because that's run by that party whose sole preoccupation is to bring that Apartheid thing back from exile. Then we'll all be in worse shite than we already are. They disguise the intention and the activity by pretending to provide good services and law and order. Cunning. But, like the Daily Sun, some of us see through the subterfuge ('Die Son Sien Alles'). As for me, I was moved to tears of laugh..., I mean, joy and a bit of inexplicable retching.

Fascinating, this land of which you spoke, sir, flowing with the milk of government  kindness and the honey of money lavished on the people's most urgent needs. In some countries that would be  international court cases, statues, tender projects in progress, song and dance in council meetings. It so reminded me of the song Big Rock Candy Mountain. To honour your eloquence, here's an excerpt from White Rock Candy Mountain:

On a summer's day in the month of Feb,  the president came a walking
Down a carpet red, past the honour guard, his outfit smart and striking
As he strolled along he sang a song of a land of milk and money
Where Tintswalo grew and laughed and played in a garden oh so sunny

The opportunity and the BEE,  the gushing money fountain
Where the good stuff is  and a life of bliss in the white rock candy mountain

Sir, please provide more detail on the land of Tintswalo. 

Who would want to leave South Africa, with its glittering promise of peace, prosperity and harmony, its friendly people (just dive into X and see for yourself)  and visionary leadership in the ANC, EFF, Mkhonto weSisu and other progressive organizations.

But you have been to the mountain top (White Rock Candy Mountain) and seen the promised land. 

Who can resist?

Yours in the struggle and the long trek to the promised land.

Richard

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RIP Tintswalo

Dear Mr Ramaphosa 

 

I am very sorry to put a damper on your inspirational and eloquent State of the Nation address.

 

I tried to rush this message through to you earlier but was hampered by load shedding, which I know will end very soon. I thought that I should let you know that Tintswalo was tragically killed this morning. She was caught in a crossfire,   during a cash- in- transit heist, carried out by some heavily tattooed villains. 

The ambulance carrying her to a private hospital  was delayed by some strikers,  who blocked the road.  they also tried to pull her out of the ambulance. Perhaps she would have been better off being taken to a public hospital. Yes, she might have waited all day, but apart from that, I am sure that the service would have been excellent, as per the example that you gave last night. By the way, please do let us know where this unique public hospital is. It has to be the exception of exceptions. But these things do happen. 

After all, I've heard of Home Affairs officials who can organise documents with nice names like Lerato Ndlovu in a remarkably short time. Not sure whether it's a free service.

Incidentally, Mr Cele was right to focus on alcohol and illegal smoking during the lockdown period. The villains were reported to have been chugging on beers and chain smoking while discharging their AK47s and other weapons.  Loud gqom music almost drowned out the gunfire (I think he warned us about gqom, too).

This leaves Tintswalo's elderly parents in a rather difficult situation.  Of course the magnificent ten rand increase in their pensions is a great help.  But, as you know, prices tend to rise almost daily. I think that had they been receiving the R350 grant as well, they might have been able to open a flourishing ice cream or sandwich shop business.

Tintswalo's  mother collapsed while queuing for the third full day at Home Affairs to replace her lost identity document (lost during a minor mugging).This was after the ever-helpful security person told her that there is no special queue for seniors. "This is not SARS", he added helpfully. She has had some difficulty accessing various services as a result.  

Nevertheless, one hopes that the ever helpful Home Affairs officials will be able to assist her.  I know that they did a great job for some newly arrived immigrants from neighboring states.  Perhaps her local councillor can help as well, when he's not at a budget function or SALGA training to improve service delivery.

She is due to pay her fourth visit to her local clinic today and hopes to finally get to see a doctor or nurse. The clinic has been rather busy providing excellent services to a flood of investors from various countries. (Great how we attract investors across, or under, the border fences).

Tintswalo's  father is a graduate who paid his own way in the days before NSFAS. Unfortunately, despite Mr Patel's sterling efforts in trade and industry, his sector shrank dramatically and he was retrenched. His age was against his finding other employment. Well, you and I know that even young people can find employment only by divine intervention or that of relatives or blessers in government. For older people, the gates of the economy are firmly shut. I'm sure that, in the Uhuru to come that you spoke of last night, Mr Patel or some other energetic, innovative comrade will address that.

Mr Cele might want to attend Tintswalo's memorial service (may her soul rest in peace). It would be a great comfort to hear him speak of population growth, alcohol and other matters that give us hope in the darkest times. 

Sir, you yourself, if not occupied with some think tank or task group, might want to take the opportunity to campai.., pardon, comfort us. 

In addition to conveying the sad news, I wished to congratulate you on a confident, upbeat performance at the SONA.

So good to know that, apart from crime and corruption run wild, depthless bumbling, incompetence and waste, we are doing well. Mr Gigaba did once prophesy that "we gonna be alright".

One cannot but admire the unquenchable optimism of your Party. 

'Dreams are good friends', says the song. 

Particularly when you have alienated all others.

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Racist Perverts and the CIC

There is much to marvel at on X, as the 'best minds of our generation' unburden themselves of the deep things in their hearts and minds.

The tweet below should be compulsory reading for students of literature, philosophy and psychology.

"Twitter should bar racist fools and perverts from tagging the CiC's account!!because whenever they are bored from their lives characterised by denial of old fast approaching old age,erectile dysfunction and permanent sexual fantasies and they just tag CiC for attention."

I wonder what was said to trigger this clearly, carefully thought out analysis. Racism, perversion, erectile dysfunction, the dread of approaching old age, permanent sexual fantasies  - all deduced from brief comments on X. Man, you are as sharp as a cutthroat razor. You sound like a practising psychiatrist. I lose sleep over the volume of execrable stuff that oozes out on social media. Do you think you might be able to help me too, after analysis of this article? 

Yes, I can well imagine that some bugger in the thrall of perversion, permanent sexual fantasy and the other stuff, would look up from whatever perverse thing he or she was doing and exclaim:

"I know what! I'm going to tag the CIC's account. Ooh, the ultimate thrill. Pant, moan, gasp..."

I suppose tbe CIC is that sort of chap.

How well you know these perverse, racist types, sir. There's a whole niche practice for you there. You need to go out there and heal our land. Just a small point. If they have permanent sexual fantasies, could they be bored as well? Perhaps they are boring fantasies. You would know about this sort of stuff.

I certainly agree that they should not disturb the CIC with their racism, perversions etc. One doesn't disturb a high priest of the revolution with that sort of stuff. He has high priestly and revolutionary things to do that affect the fortunes, not only of South Africa, but also of Africa. The cul..., I mean, the organisation depends on it.

I have no doubt that you can spot racism a county away. It's all around us, isn't it? I'm reminded of a song (apologies for tinkering):

I feel it in my fingers,

I feel it in my toes,

Racism all around me,

It's everywhere I go.

Ooh, it's blowing in the wind

That's how the feeling goes.

Thank goodness for you eagle-eyed spotters of racism, erectile dysfunction, permanent sexual fantasies and other dire threats to the nation. Under the EFF, South Africa will be safe and serene.

Just as long as racist, old age dreading perverts keep their erectile dysfunction and permanent sexual fantasies to themselves.

Mr Musk, please act promptly.

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To Serve and to be Kind, Comrades

A 'bag lady' walks into the most elegant and expensive department in a well-known store. 

She gets the treatment that any well-off customer would get. A man of the cloth, who has been watching curiously, asks the sales assistant why she treated the lady with such patience and courtesy,  knowing that she was most unlikely to buy anything. The assistant replies:

 "Sir, we are here to serve and to be kind."

The cleric is so impressed that he makes the incident the subject of his Sunday sermon. He asks his congregation:

"Are you here to serve and to be kind?"

Dear South African civil servant, what would be your answer?  Dear Mr President, dear cabinet, dear MPs, what would be your answer?  

Staying with our store chain, a top executive visits one of the stores. As is customary,  a flock of senior staff accompanies him on his store walkabout. He peels off suddenly in mid-conversation  to serve a customer that he has spotted waiting.

 Let me follow time-honoured South African practice,  and state the obvious, as do our politicians and political commentators.  There are several self-evident truths. 

 1. The culture of a company,  government department or even a country is seen and felt only in encounters  between people. The rest is words. Of no value whatever.

 

 2. Nothing  teaches more effectively than example.  It's simple but it has never been easy.  Certainly a lot cheaper and of longer lasting impact than a six million rand state of the nation show.  Among others this is what managers, politicians and presidents are paid for. Handsomely. To set the best example.

 

There's more to the 'bag lady' story.

In the congregation that Sunday were a couple of journalists.  They wrote about the incident and the chain's brand, already strong, became legend.

 

The other obvious lesson is that, out of such  intangibles as values and vision, come the greatness of an organization, a country, a people. If they are lived consistently. It would be foolish to think that success comes without the other elements -  planning, competence, knowledge, among others. I suspect that we, and in particular our government score extremely poorly on all of these. Well, it's more than a suspicion.  The evidence Is all around. 

 

We have had citizens battered senseless by blue light bodyguards. We have a member of Parliament who simply drops her tray  to the floor on an aircraft because she, a great ANC MP,  cannot wait any longer for it to be collected.  We have the member of  ANC royalty, who, when questioned about the bewildering  circumstances around the acquisition of her driver's license, answered:

“I don’t have time to stand in queue. I am not required to stand in queues at airports and things.”

As they say in the adverts, there's more, much more.

 

Dear voters, out of such arrogance and indifference, you really expect caring service? 

I have not mentioned betrayals and blunders. But a leadership that never misses an opportunity to act unworthily and dishonourably in the little things, is going to lead you nowhere but to decay and disintegration.  No matter how great the promise of your organization or your country. A brand of shame.

That is a fact.

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The Far Gone Country

The Brits are hopeless at politicking. At least if the recent interview of the leader of their opposition is anything to go by.

How does the man expect to become a political demigod if all he does is to speak quite rationally and sensibly about plans for the economy? One can't worship a fellow who sounds like the bloke next door, or at least a couple of doors up, in the wealthier area. There was no foaming at the mouth, yelling threatening and cursing;  nothing to get the blood pumping  and the heart rate up.  He wouldn't last a week in South African politics.

 

This man missed the golden opportunity to blame the Vikings, the Germanic tribes the Franks, the Dutch  for all of the UK's present ills.  I would have issued a couple of thinly veiled threats to everyone in the UK named Frank, that he / she / they needed to depart for their ancestral homelands.  And leave the UK to the original Celtic people, who dwellt in peace, harmony and prosperity for many long years. 

I just received an email urging me to earn cash from my couch. It was from one of those survey companies that pay ten cents for an hour's worth of survey work.  That reminded me of how creative our own politicians are. They have made advances in banking, real estate, the ultra-modern, multi-use furniture  movement, construction, farming  and any other  endeavour that you care to name. Genuine Renaissance men and women. Our future is bright.  

I wish I could say the same  for your country, Sir Keir Starmer. It's no wonder that we thrashed you at iSandlwana and could probably do the same today with our elite, modern, well equipped military. You may play soccer reasonably well but Bafana would whip your national team on any good night - say one with intense Durban humidity and loadshedding.

I sent the good knight a couple of videos of Mr Malema and Mr Zuma in action. I like to be helpful. Now that's how it's done, sir. I would pay close attention to the dance moves and the stirring lyrics of the Boer bashing song and the one about weaponry. This is the sort of stuff that appeals to the discerning, analytical voter. Of course, if you don't have those in your country, it does pose a slight problem. We have nothing but.

I fell about laughing when I read of politicians in the UK resigning, or being sacked, for mistakes and misdemeanours. Resign - whatever for? (Or, as we'd say here: For who? For what?). There are promotions, deployments and redeployments galore for the loyal cadre. What's a small mistake involving a billion or two, compared to years of unflinching loyalty to the Party? 

These fellows actually forced a prime minister out over a couple of Castle Lites or whatever they drink there. Ridiculous. 

We have a fellow dodg..., pardon, facing over a dozen charges. Many people ask, quite reasonably:

"Where's the evidence?" and

"Why don't you report him at your nearest police station?"

You see, we South Africans are nothing if not scrupulously fair. After all, all that there is to date is a few hundred hours and pages of testimony.  And the condition of various state departments, after his enlightened reign, though that can be traced back to apartheid  - and van Riebeeck. Obviously, that evidence needs to stand the rigours of the trial process before there's any talk of 'proof'. Now that would have happened long ago, but for the state's bewildering resistance to Mr Zuma's reasonable request for a different prosecutor. And illnesses - something no -  one can predict or plan for. Not even, Mr Zuma, who prophesied of the end of the ages.

The other thing that makes the UK lag behind us is the limited choice of parties to vote for. (I tell you that this is what will destroy the US as well). We have over a hundred or over two hundred, depending on what one reads. That's real democracy in action - lots of kak parties to choose from. 

Sir Keir Starmer, those videos are on the way, with a bonus collection of the wise sayings of Hlaudi Motsoeneng, Dr Ace Magashule and Fikile Mbalula. They are a bit short, but dense.

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Mbalulafication

Dear Mr Mbalula 

 

In these difficult times, a good laugh is always a welcome thing. 

 

I just viewed a wonderful video in which you said that the ANC fought load shedding, corruption and state capture. And also creates jobs. 

Sir, it is not wise, sensible, or even normal to boast of all the thrashings that one has been dealt in fights. Worse, you've been thrashed by the Frankensteins of your own inept creation. It was horse manure, but hilarious horse manure. Up there with some of your best performances at the open mic.

 I hope that the ANC appreciates what an absolute ass..., er, asset you are. 'A gem of purest ray serene'. Cometh the election, cometh the man.

 

If these had been school examination subjects, you and your party would have been lucky to score F-minus on each of them. What's more, we will not be allowing you to rewrite in 2024. Demotion to kindergarten is now your best and brightest prospect. 

 

One assumes that you Mr Malema and many comrades attended the same classes in buffoonery. And excelled. Topped the class.

Here are some suggestions to beef up your campaigning. Take a leaf out of the book that your comrades are reading aloud. Haltingly, but aloud.

1. Make subtle threats about  losing grants and the return of apartheid. Via the DA's sinister back door. And where will the ice cream empires come from then?

 

 2.  Expand on the apartheid theme. Remember that every ill that has ever beset this country can be laid at the door of that still - lurking villain. Without apartheid,  there would be no corruption, no inefficiency, no incompetence. Uhuru  and  Utopia would have  arrived long ago were it not for the van Riebeeck legacy. 

3. Don't forget that you now also have Zuma to blame. There is a wonderful treasure chest of stuff that you can lay at his feet. Just be careful to omit that he was an ANC member,  president and your boss. One hopes that we too, with our notoriously short memories, will have forgotten. You must grasp that mkhonto by the shaft. Before your party is shafted.

 

4. You also need to vigorously attack the DA for resisting decolonization of the Western Cape. They have severely impeded the revolution by making it safe clean and orderly.  What clichés, slogans, dances, songs and stand-up routines have they given to the people of South Africa?  None,  I tell you. On second thoughts, in view of their dismal performance in those critical areas, perhaps you should not mention them at all. 

 

5. Don't forget Bafana's terrific victory over Morocco; inspired, of course, by your own performance.  Who knows what would have happened had Mr Zizi Kodwa not  taken the time to coach the team last week?  It needed a comrade to set right what that white coach was failing at. Pretty much the same as what happened at Eskom.

Sir, there's a fair chance that you will take a  bit of a bollocking at the polls but don't let that stop your mbalulaficating. 

As I said, we need all the laughs we can get in these dreary times.

Yours in the struggle for good, South African stand-up comedy.

Richard 

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51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723