Angels. Demons and the Mother of Conspiracies

Dear Fellow South Africans 

It troubles me that we are such a divided people. Scouring social media for wisdom, enlightenment and other stuff, one stumbles upon chasms of disagreement and hostility.

Dr Ace, Mr Zuma and other worthies are painted as angels by one group, demons by another. In the age of big-brother technology and investigative journalism, surely we must have evidence one way or the other. 

This puts me in mind of the pro-vaccination / no- vaccination split. On that note, vaccines may play a part in the mother-of-conspiracies I am about to unveil. After the jab, I was overcome by an unaccustomed surge of hostile feelings towards both gentlemen. Fortunately, I knew well enough to chant 'umShini wami' until I entered a trance-like state of serenity.

To the heart of the matter. Applying the sort of superior logic made famous by the EFF. When people differ so violently against a backdrop of mountains of information, something else is afoot (or in an SUV). MERDE (Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies) can now reveal that a fourth force is at play. We face a threat greater than swart gevaar (All Blacks rugby), wit gevaar (Rupert and friends) or any other gevaar. We at MERDE will not be caught napping, unlike the politicians and security clusters of certain countries (not ours, of course). We are on the scent, noses to the ground, stench notwithstanding.

All will be revealed at the same time that the full story of the instigators of insurrection is told. Suffice it to say that a bizarre, sinister plot, involving clones of our saintly heroes has been in operation. It's the clones that solicited and took bribes, frolicked with foreign vegetarians and indulged in other murky adventures. All this, while our heroes wrestled valiantly with cares of state and the welfare of the people (you and me, dear reader). It is thanks to their sterling efforts that we are where we are. Now there's a statement neither camp can disagree with.

This mother of conspiracies was partly revealed in Attack Of The Clones : https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2020/05/attack-of-clones.html

People laughed then, as they did at Pythagoras, or some other Greek bloke who posited that the earth is round. Until the first ships dropped over the top. 

Who is behind this? Shadowy organizations and shady individuals. Foreign powers. Think of the riches beneath and above the earth in our country. Coveted by greedy imperialists. Think of the valuable deposits of guano, produced daily by our politicians. Mr Zuma hinted more than once at the dark deeds of legions of spies, domestic and foreign. I was unable to sleep for a week, after his first Zondo Commission appearance.

In the fullness of time, MERDE will reveal all.

Till then, yours in the struggle against fourth force conspirators.

Richard 

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Kubi, Mr Mabe

 ANC's Mr Pule Mabe on salary payment challenges within the Party, as reported:

“A strange phenomenon has emerged now, especially because we have social media and all of that, when the ANC account and answer to staff, that it is unable to perform because of the challenges it faces. The expectation is that disciplined staff members would then rather ask for a platform with the ANC to understand how the problem is being resolved,” said Mabe.

Dear Mr Mabe

Discipline has gone to hell. How dare people go out on social media, complaining about not having been paid? 

Would you or I go publicizing family matters on social media? For example, an alcoholic uncle beating the daylights out of family members? No, sir, such sacred family issues must be kept within said family. We must keep a stiff, if somewhat bruised, upper lip. You are the quintessential example. I've not heard you complaining about not being paid.

One sometimes looks back with nostalgia to the disciplined days of strong leaders like Stalin, Kim Whatsisname and others.I know that decadent pinko liberals will go mad at this; but let's face it, the rack and the thumbscrew had their uses in maintaining discipline in the good old days.

That union bloke, Mr Mdala, reportedly said that management undertook to resolve some of the demands by the end of August.  Well, Mr Smart Alec Mdala, it's only the 28th of August. 

I think you quite rightly pointed out that this me..,pardon, challenge does not indicate that the Party cannot govern a country. Of course you can. And we'd love to find one somewhere for you to govern. Okay, so we have rampant crime, runaway corruption, incompetence, buffoonery, waste and inefficiency. Apart from that, you guys are doing fine. 

Yours in the struggle for discipline.

Richard

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Bean There, Done That, Mr Zuma

 Dear Mr Zuma

I am powerfully moved by your righteous anger and indignation at 'the law being used to target' you. 

I can relate. I was once targeted for doing a mere thirty kilometres above the arbitrary speed limit. What kind of law does not bend to accommodate me..., pardon,  I mean emergencies and special circumstances? For example, the imminent closing of my local KFC. 

Sir, it seems you are on the verge of spilling some long-promised beans. So moved was I that I had to borrow from the Langston Hughes poem, with a minor alteration or two. Apologies to the Hughes family, friends and poetry lovers.

What happens to beans deferred?

Do they dry up like biltong in the sun?

Or fester like a sore and then run?

Maybe they just sag

Like a heavy load

Or do they explode?

I suspect that we may be at the 'explode' stage. We all know what happens with bean-initiated explosions; the sound, the fury, the stench. 

Many South Africans may relate to the original, about a dream deferred. That's not the point. This is about you. After all, which came first: democracy or the ANC?

Sir, I am completely in tune with your implied 'what about others?' argument. During my last court appearance, I pointed out that Al Capone had done far worse. I also once referred my creditors to the national debt, and, for emphasis, the US national debt. To no avail. 'The law is a ass', said one learned gentleman. A soulless ass, some may add.

Sir, let us, like twin Samsons, grasp the pillars and bring the whole edifice down. With our beans.

Yours in the struggle for justice to be done, seen, heard and felt (and smelled?).

Richard 

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Crazy Stupid

Have you ever undergone the exquisite torture of desperately needing to laugh at a very inappropriate time? 

Happened to me at a meeting at a sister company. I excused myself, found the toilets and - blessed relief - bellowed with laughter. Someone walked out of one of the stalls. I tried to greet him but all I could manage was 'hahaha'. He looked frightened. He also didn't wash his hands.

I had a similar experience listening to the political woes of a friend from Kakistan. It was over a glass of President's Punch at the Saxonworld Shebeen. (Well within curfew and boozing hours, of course).

His president reshuffled his lame-duck  cabinet. The problem was that the shuffle resembled a before - and - after Taliban photo album. The new speaker had not only duffed up her previous portfolio but now had allegations hanging around her neck to rival the Ancient Mariner's albatross. Adding insult to injury, he said, was her speech about the joys of democracy. He quoted my own favourite Auden verses:

Exiled Thucydides knew

All a speech can say about democracy

And what dictators do 

The elderly rubbish they talk 

He paused angrily. 

"What are you laughing at? It's not funny at all."

"Actually it's a cross between Catch 22 and Nineteen Eighty -Four". I replied. "Darkly hilarious."

Getting up off the floor: "It's a miracle that you still have something vaguely resembling a country."

"Barely", he muttered. Then sombrely: "Well you may laugh. You'll never have to go through that."

"No", I replied. "In our country, we're not that stup.., I mean, crazy."

 

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Cinders: ANC Fairy Tale

From the province of Dr Ace, philosopher, comes this flash of brilliance.

'The ANC’s Free State branch has said that municipalities should intensify their programmes of naming and renaming as a way of speeding up service delivery.'

According to these thinkers, you were wrong, Mr President. There is a magical solution to our troubles. The magic is in the name. Renaming is the fairy godmother who will lift us from the grime of incompetence, indifference, slothfulness and corruption. Into the ball we will sweep, clothed in a shimmering ballgown of service excellence. But we seem to have missed the stroke of midnight and all we are left with are a couple of mice and some thoroughly rotten pumpkins. More correctly, we have swarms of diseased rats.

You need to smoke some incredibly strong, exotic stuff to make such an interstellar leap of logic. Even Durban poison won't do it. 

This story has elements of both a zol-induced fairy tale and Orwell's Nineteen Eighty - Four. 

Just keep calling incompetence, greed and bull..t something else. In South Africa, we have sufficient numbers of thoroughly dumb or gullible people for this to work better than Orwell ever dreamt. 

When reality bites, no problem. We'll find someone to blame it on. Here's a starter list for our Free State comrades. Please add as the spirit moves you:

apartheid, Gordhan, Rupert, Phoenix Indians, DA, WMC and media, counter-revolutionaries, all of the above. I apologize to the many third-force elements and capitalist running dogs that I have omitted.

We'd like to rename your branch but this blog is for family reading.

To quote a little - known Shakespeare line (not William, the other one): 'Manure, by any other name, still smells like s..t'.

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Loves To Dance

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I would have sprung to the defence of Mr Zuma had I not injured my right calf proving some of the points below.

We all know that dancing makes strenuous demands on body and mind. We've seen pictures of the battered feet of ballet dancers. The Mshini dance, though a thing of beauty, punishes the muscles and joints quite severely. Before you nitpicking legal types yell 'calls for speculation', I'll expand. My Defence Of Msholozi (DOM) team and I applied the Mythbusters technique. Testing the dance out on the steps of various courtrooms, we confirmed that the possibility of injury is very real. 

Mr Zuma may also be suffering from the South African politician's scourge , atypical transient global amnesia, 

described in great detail in https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2020/08/atypical-transient-global-amnesia.html

While ATGA is more a mental  / psychological ailment than a physical one, we also know of the mystic linkages between body, mind, soul and other bits.

I hear you say: "What about the suspicious timing?" Oh, the heart of man is inordinately suspicious. Mr Zuma has been looking forward to his day in court for a very long time. The ever-growing excitement as that day approached, must have taken a toll on his battered frame. It could have exacerbated any of the above conditions.

Give the man a break. 

Then again, a German lecturer made the profound observation that 'all of life is a break' (Das ganze Leben ist eine Pause).

Yours in the struggle for tolerance and understanding.

Richard

Subtle Rugby Racism

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Stop.

Before you have another sip of Castle in celebration of the Springbok victory over the British Lions. 

We, in the Movement, are not easily moved by such things. Here's a deep, suitably sombre analysis of what really happened. I am sure that the CIC will issue a succinct, lucid, profound statement in due course. While you wait hungrily for the pearls of wisdom, here's my R200 rands worth (inflation). I speak as a staunch supporter of dialectical materialism and superior logic.

First, not one player of Indian descent was in the Springbok squad. I did not actually watch the match but I have friends in Phoenix who did. 

Second, the black players did all the hard work, as usual. Poor Cheslin Kolbe ran himself into a state of exhaustion. A brilliant try is scored. What happens then? A white guy steps up to put the boot in. The classic apartheid approach.

I could go on about the venue. We have a perfectly good ground in my area. We'd just need to move some stones. This would have enabled many of my comrades to attend the match. They don't like rugby but it's all about the principle.

I could also talk about the percentage of black players in the Lions squad. I will take that one up with the British embassy at a future march.

Do not be fooled. The racism is exquisitely subtle. But find it we will.

Yours in the struggle to leave no pebble unturned.

Richard 

Shuffle On

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Being of a sensitive, tolerant disposition, I have some sympathy or empathy for the president.

It's not as if he had a barr.., I mean, bench of the sort the Springboks have. No doubt, he has some duckers and swervers in the Cheslin Kolbe mode. Some, though, don't seem to know which team they're playing for. Some, which game they're playing. Then there are those who couldn't hold on to the ball if their loo.., sorry, lives depended on it. 

Haven't we all hung onto stuff that we should have disposed of long ago? Hoping against hope that it might prove useful one day. Tough habit to break. I have a set of ANC, no, AMC Classic cookware that just never gets warm. 

I will certainly miss Mr Mboweni. I lived for his lessons on gourmet cooking with garlic and pilchards. He could have taught the comrades a great deal. Mainly that cooking belongs in the kitchen. Cook books and you get burned - or slapped on the wrist. 

One thing we all have to agree on: the president had to reshuffle. What with the pack missing an ace.

I'm relieved that our beaches remain safe under the redoubtable Mr Cele. I've been living in fear of ruthless camera crews and surfers. Now it's only the Great Whites one needs to watch out for. But Mr Malema and others have that in hand. 

The president knows that track record is important. The best one can say, for now: there seem to be tracks and records aplenty, some of the tracks a trifle muddy. 

One does want to be fair (as in impartial, Mr Malema. Not the other..) and give the new ministers space and time. Another 26 years, perhaps? 

Hope, it's been said, springs eternal in the human breast. I don't know. I'm still calling Chuck Norris.

Yours in the struggle to shuffle on.

Richard 

The Thin White Line

 Dear Max du Preez

You referred to tomorrow's clash of the rugby titans as 'just a sports event'. 

Wiping foam from my mouth, I was moved to re-publish this post on a similarly historic clash of days gone by (during the rule of one, Jayzed).

Read, repent and be wise.

The Thin White Line

Saturday, October 28th, 2017

Dear Mr President

In this eleventh hour I write to you to assure you that all loyal supporters stand firmly united, Castles and other ceremonial beverages in hand. I refer, of course to Sharks supporters.

As a keen student of history, steeped in the wisdom of Machiavelli, Vladimir Putin and other luminaries, you are not unaware of the import of today’s clash of the rugby titans. Apart from the east vs west symbolism (haven’t quite worked it out yet but I’m sure it will come to me in a dream), there are deep undercurrents here that could profoundly affect your future.

You yourself said that the DA is probably kept in power by witches and ghosts (words to that effect). Mr President, that’s Halloween. The truth is simpler. We have all seen Invictus, bar the few philistines who fail to appreciate the balletic grace of the game and its startling parallells to life’s struggles and triumphs. Who has not felt unfairly yellow - carded by life’s capricious whistle blower? Have you not been midriff- tackled with the try line beckoning and watched the wretched ball fly uselessly into touch? Mr President, those cunning west coast folk have been using the team in blue to unite the people behind them. Do you not see that only a Sharks victory today will pierce the grapeskin curtain?

Master tactician that you are, I am sure that you despatched  Ms Faith Mutambi to deliver a stirring ‘in this hour of great peril’ speech. I trust that suitably attired and accessoried supporters will be bussed in in large numbers to intimi.., sorry, show support. I am confident that a commission of inquiry stands ready to parachute into action, should the unthinkable happen. Then, Mr President, I am content and shall enjoy my KFC flavoured biltong with peace of mind.

I look forward to seeing you at the match, where we can forget the vexing business of politics for a while. Perhaps discuss the relative merits of vodka and mampoer.

Yours in the quest for a sporting victory.

Richard

Grave News From G.A.T.V.O.L

 The Geopolitical Academy for Tracking Viruses Occurring Locally (G.A.T.V.O.L.) brought you the discovery of the Ank and F viruses in South Africa.

Our motto is 'We dig deeper' and we now bring grave news. Our research reveals that both variants can cause significant  damage in a little-known area of the brain. Scientific name: the conscientia et humanitate lobes. Often called 'skaam cells' by laymen. Indeed, this area may cease  functioning altogether with prolonged infection. 

The CeH lobes are largely responsible for our ablity to differentiate right from wrong, truth from manure etc. To put it succinctly, this is what restrains the average human being from mugging pensioners.

We advise the public to socially distance from:

Infected public figures,

Deposits of horse manure (interestingly, often found in close proximity to each other)

A complex psychological assessment is used to diagnose and identify. If subjects cannot distinguish between such concepts as 'thuggery', 'protest', 'politics', 'buffoonery' and others, there is cause for concern.

When we asked our scientists about treatment, the most common response was 'Eish'. 

However, in other countries, a long (and preferably, permanent) sabbatical has worked wonders.

From Russia With Love

 

Written during the glorious reign of Jayzed 

Wednesday, October 25th, 2017

Dear Mr Putin Zdravstvujtye

I want you to know that we South Africans love Russians. We often have them with chips for lunch.

Now that it seems you will be playing a prominent part in our lives, it seemed merely polite to learn a phrase or two in your language. Love the informal version of ‘How are you?’ - ‘Kak dyela’. I think there’s going to be a lot of that going around now that you are making your macho presence felt. The greeting, I mean.

How good it is (to quote Marvin Gaye) to see the leader of a great country show concern for us and our power challenges. Rumour has it that your concern stretched to giving us sage council on our latest cabinet composition. I’m not sure whether you worked with the innovative recruitment agency in Saxonworld. At any rate, you have been both prime minister and president for so many years that I’m sure you can spot pupp…sorry. talented people a mile off.

Clearly, since you took an iron grip on the helm of the ship Mother Russia, things are going so swimmingly that you now have time to assist Donald and our own JZ. I imagine that you can boast that there’s a chicken Kiev in every pot in the motherland. To those South Africans fussing about your alleged interference (I call it glasnost), I quote from my comment to Donald: what you get out of cabinet reshuffles depends on what you Putin.

One of Tom Clancy’s books features a Russian gang called the Seven Strong Men. The three of you makes for a good start (not that I’m suggesting that you are a gang - heaven forbid). It’s a pity that Donald offended that nice North Korean fellow by threatening to rain down hellfire or something. He may mangle the language but he doesn’t mince words, our Donald. Incidentally, it was most instructive to follow the witty, eloquent exchange as the other fellow called Donald a lunatic. Ah, the subtle cut and thrust of diplomacy on the global stage. Could have taught Obama a thing or two. Our own chaps have elevated this to a fine art, of course, calling one another dogs, rats and  other symbolic names on one memorable occasion. We occasionally climax these fine debates with what Mad Magazine called non - verbal, sensory interchanges (the Afrikaans acronym is M.O.E.R.). I think you will fit right in with our skop, skiet, donner and snotklap political milieu.

We do look forward to benefitting from your expertise and experience in matters nuclear. Does the vodka still glow in the dark in the regions around Chernobyl?

Just on a more personal note, I’ve heard that you are an active, sporting man. I understand that Russian roulette combines the thrills and suspense of the most exciting sports on the planet.

Yours in the quest for glasnost, perestroika and caviar.

Richard