The Law is 'a Ass'

Dear Mr Zuma 

I am so glad that your star is on the rise - for now.

I paid rapt attention to your recent speech, which made Churchill look like a fumbling, primary school debater.

You manfully tackled the use of Roman Dutch law in South Africa. Look at what the Romans and the Dutch did in times past. Not exactly exemplary behaviour, looting, raiding. None of that ever happens here.

I find all that stuff about 'audi alterem partem' most unnecessary and irritating. Take the 'Nemo Judex in causa sua' principle.  Really! Who better to judge your cases than you yourself? Who knows you better? The commission and all that unpleasantness could have been avoided, and we would have been dwelling at ease in Eskom's pleasant light, universities, bridges,  cities and green mealies rising out of the good South African soil. If only we had jettisoned those unafrican, so-called legal principles.

It's all very petty and irritating, focusing on fraud, theft, corruption etc. All the while, serious crimes, such as teenage pregnancy, go unpunished. If I read correctly, you would banish the miscreants to Robben Island. Keeping them safely separated, I assume, to forestall any further breaches of the law.

I am delighted that you are leading the charge against immorality,  particularly of a sexual nature. Who better?  Set a thief to catch a thief. No, I am not saying you are a thief  (just a Roman Dutch proverb).  Nor am I implying that you ever wallowed in the muddy ditches  of sexually immoral shenanigans. I simply think that, in your long adventurous life, you have witnessed much of the seamy stuff. It must have grieved you profoundly. 

I understand that you are for corporal punishment.  I trust that it will be public, as a grand spectac...., I mean example. This should deter those involved in racketeering, fraud, money laundering and other forms of corruption, which I know your soul detests. Sir, have you considered stoning and similar stuff. I found some interesting and promising methods of deterrence in books on our past history. And I refer specifically to KZN. I trust that you will look into those (the methods, not the books).

You pointed out that if we were truly free, thirty years on, people would not be arrested during democracy, as they were during apartheid. I could not agree more. A friend used that very argument after being arrested for redeploying several luxury German vehicles. Where is our democratic right to piss on the rights of others? I say this Roman Dutch law is a proverbial ass. Let's stop with the arrests and allow people their democratic right to loo...., sorry live large in the quest for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and free stuff. 

You mentioned that MK was  deliberately not given an English name like "democracy or something that we don't know".  A little confusing, as you headed a democratic government for several long years. Perhaps that explains your "I know nothing, nothing' nothing!" and "what have I done?". It might be a little bewildering to head up a democratic government while being somewhat unsure of what democracy is. You said that, in the past, the 'Spear of the Nation' was used to resolve matters. A good point. Very sharp. What was wrong with the old feudal system? People knew their place. There were no teenage pregnancies, as far as I can gather. No Hollywood style arrests

 (See The Scuffle Continues : Bollywood- Style Arrest: https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2020/10/bollywood-style-arrest.html.)

 

Sure, there was a bit of corporal punishment  - the odd beheading. But I never ever heard of anyone protesting or carrying on.

So inspired was I by your eloquent speech, pregnant with the possibility of a return to moral rectitude and timeless values, that I sang out a few verses of "umShini Wami" (Bring me my machine gun). Okay, so there's only one verse - I sang it several times. Just by the by, if I can't make it to a golf course for some physiotherapy, I find that this song, with accompanying dance steps, does wonders for any ailments that I have (gastric, colds, chronic or terminal stuff etc.).

That speech convinced me that, in your mshini-cradling hands lie the answers to the corruption, inefficiency, incompetence, disunity and aimlessness that so bedevil our nation. And we know who the devils are. I could have sworn at one point in the speech that I heard the music of the spheres. But it might have been my neighbour playing some gqom. That and the sugar free coke that I had in the spirit of the moment.

Bring me my ballot box.

Yours in the struggle for justice and a great leap forward in this century.

Richard 

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As You Sow / Vote

We know that voting in South Africa has nothing to do with common sense, reason or even previous experience.

It has even less to do with the survival of our country. Buggerall to do with national security. 

There's no point in talking sense when it comes to elections and voting. 

So here's the bizarre Alice in Wonderland truth.

If you want a government that has proven skills in stealing, blundering, exquisite BS and the ability to destroy a country faster than our Zimbabwean friends, then your choice is easy and clear.  The comrades are ready, willing and able to deliver. But don't despair. you have five long years to protest. It's worked over the last 30 years, hasn't it? so don't fix what isn't broken.  But then again, what isn't broken in South Africa?

If you want a government that has little to offer,  apart from noise and violence, then go with the boyz in the hood.  That is, Red Rioting Hood and friends. Unfair,  you say?. Well, of all the achievements of this particular party what else stands out? 

You know that they are also alleged to have dipped into various cookie jars .  I cannot prove that but it's common cause that they certainly wasted huge amounts of taxpayer money in Ethekwini and elsewhere. With a little help from their coalition friends. I'm not going to bore you with the details, but it's all there to read, if you really want to. And many don't want to, so let's move on.

In a normal country, a party with that record not only would have zero votes but would not exist within a year.  But then we established at the outset that our normal is a little different.  A bit more like the normal of Alice in Wonderland, Nineteen Eighty-Four and Animal Farm.  

If you want a government already tainted by having a figurehead who has managed to dodge trial for years for a dozen or more  charges, look east, young man, look east. If that's not exciting enough for you, scandals hang like several albatrosses around his honourable neck. 

As far as I can gather the manifesto of the particular party is to be found in  a popular song about a firearm. 

If on the other hand, you long for the return of sanity, law and order and the hope of progress then..... 

Ah, but we're not talking about such foreign concepts are we? How could we hope to decolonize our country if we hang on to such colonial notions? Promises of free stuff, dialectical materialism, revolutionary slogans - now that's the stuff of Leadership.  A bit of land and some state ownership to top it off.

Never bow before colonialists when you can have your fill of corruption, buffoonery, incompetence, indifference and all the other things that have made our country great. 

So there is no point in saying vote wisely, vote rationally, vote for the future of our country. 

Nothing will change your minds, so vote as you please. As the song says: 'there'll be time enough for counting, when the dealing's done'.

In other words, vote in haste, repent at leisure. In still other words, you will probably get the thoroughly shithole country that you deserve.

It is a great pity that your children deserve better, and so do their children. But what the heck. Nothing like clichés, slogans, song, dance and T-shirts to fill the empty belly and soothe the soul. 

Dear fellow South Africans, don't say we didn't tell you so.  

As you vote, so shall you reap. And, tragically, so shall we all.

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Best of the Best

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Did you know that Bafana Bafana is the best football team in the world?

Well, apparently Mr. Cele told officers at a national police day that the South African police service is among the best police services in the world.  So what the heck -  Bafana is best. Local is lekker.

In my eagerness, to assist Mr. Cele - and Lord knows he needs all the assistance he can get - I did some research. 

According to one source, 85.5 percent of murders go unsolved in South Africa. An Independent Police Investigative Directorate (IPID)annual report stated that more than 5 500 cases of police criminal offences are reported every year. I seem to recall Mr Cele saying once that there is no police brutality in South Africa. The report speaks of more than 3500 cases of torture and assault. Perhaps that was not brutal enough for Mr Cele.

Yes, I think we have enough evidence to support Mr Cele's assertion that we sit up there at the summit with the best. Probably just below Scotland Yard and the FBI.

There was a report in 2019 about the much- maligned,  best president of all time , who built roads , bridges and universities and never looked sideways at a ten rand note. That's Mr Zuma. The great man was alleged to have had sleeper agents in the police.

• "Unknown sleeper agents were deployed to and are still integrated into structures in the police and state-owned companies, such as the Passenger Rail Agency of SA (Prasa)". News 24

"The High-Level Panel Review Panel on State Security earlier found that Zuma had abused the SSA for personal gain."

Now, judging from the very large number of photos and videos of police officers sleeping.

at desks,  in cars and in other places where sleep may be found, there could well be some substance to the sleeper allegations.  They certainly know how to sleep in this top police service.

Incidentally, the report also dwelt  on  how former public protector, Ms Mkhwebane seemed to ignore the 'sleeper agents' information, in favor of 'pressing' investigators on the SARS rogue unit. A phantom of someone's fertile brain, if I read that right.

Just thought I'd mention this to join my voice to the many voices of support for the two much-maligned individuals - Mr Zuma and Ms Mkhwebane.

What have we here, Mr Cele. Delusions, lies, a passion for mediocrity - all of these? We've had Tintswaloworld, 'loadshedding- is -not-the-end-of-the-world', now this

I can only again quote an earlier post, 2020:

'If George Orwell had written 2020 in South Africa:

The party's ever-present slogans fluttered proudly from deserted dairy farms, vandalized railway stations and scorched public buildings:

INCOMPETENCE IS HEROISM

DECAY IS PROGRESS

BULLSHIT IS TRUTH'

(The Scuffle Continues : 2020: https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2020/12/2020_21.html)

The alarming thing is that, in South Africa, this is not satire, but truth. 

The frightening thing is that, in South Africa, we have become so accustomed to delusion, lies and soul numbing mediocrity that we will vote it in time and again.

Yours in the struggle for some sanity.

Richard 

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Wait Until Dark

Dear Fellow South Africans

 

I trust that you thoroughly enjoyed the Tintswalo story and the one about 'private hospitals good, public hospitals better'. I hope that you have stored these nuggets away for inspiration on polling  day.

 

Here's another, that will probably top the wonderfully winsome SONA story.

 

 Ms Sylvia Lucas of fast food fame is reported to have said that load shedding is not the end of the world. I agree Ms Lucas. That will probably be facilitated by the Middle East or China or Iran or North Korea or the US, or all of the above.

No, Miss Lucas it is probably just the end of South Africa. Let me reassure you that the fast food places will still fry on, as they probably all have generators. If I had the ability to write children's stories, I would write one called 'Tintswalo and Friends. Here's an example of what would be in the book:

 

' See Jane drive to KFC. See her chauffeur go in to fetch a bucket of KFC. See Jane send him back to fetch the other nine buckets. Jane is enjoying her KFC. She thinks of all the people who cannot afford KFC, or any other food. Fat tears roll down Jane's  cheeks. Jane has a tender heart (not that 'tender', little ones!). She has another drumstick and  feels better. Does Jane have money to pay for the KFC? Children, tell your parents to get a government credit card. Then you can have all the KFC you want. The nice people at KFC smile when they see Jane. She is a very good customer. Children ask your parents the meaning of 'customer'. It means different things in South Africa. If you go to a government department it means peasant'. Don't fret, dear children. You will soon learn what those words mean.  In the next chapter, little friends,  we see more of Jane and Tintswalo's other friends. Depending on how your parents, uncles and aunts vote, we may see a lot of them - a whole lot. Isn't it fun?'

In other news,  Ms Lucas's colleague, Doctor Electricity, assured South Africans that it will soon be over. As it is unlikely that he was referring to load shedding, one can only assume that this statement ties in with the whole End of the World theme. Perhaps that explains why Mr Ramaphosa said that we should look on the bright side of load shedding. I think that we are being prepared for a time when load shedding will be the least of our problems. It's good of the ANC to give us these subtle warnings. Quite unsettling when you're not forewarned and the roof falls in.

 

Dr Electricity is a most interesting fellow. His dancing skills complement his communication skills. Indeed, it's sometimes difficult to tell which of the two he is actually doing. I seem to recall that on one day he gave three different reasons for stage six load shedding. Now I do know that it's an extremely complex business, so perhaps that understandable. 

He mentioned the ramping up of planned maintenance as one of the reasons. That was just a little puzzling. Fool that I am, I thought that planned maintenance was, er,  planned. I could kick myself. Just because the word 'planned' was used, it does not have to follow that any planning actually took place. After all, in South Africa, and particularly within the ANC, words have many meanings. It's a 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' and  'Alice  in Wonderland' thing.  'Progress',  "Justice', "integrity',  'revolutionary', even 'comrade' and many other words mean exactly what the speaker intends them to mean at a specific time.

'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, 'it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less. ' 'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you can make words mean so many different things.' (Alice in Wonderland).

The answer from our comrades in the ANC and other revolutionary parties: an emphatic 'Yebo Yes'

I am inspired. I cannot wait to cast my vote. I hope that you are equally inspired.

Yours in the struggle to dodge the end that comes "not with a bang, but with a whimper" (T.S. Eliot).

Richard 

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Tintswalo Revisited

 Dear Mr Ramaphosa 

We all know that the state of the nation address has nothing to do with the actual state of the nation. 

It's more about the state of the ANC's fortunes right now. We know those are in a shambles. What with the mighty Nxamalala Msholozi Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma and faithful daughter Dudu huffing and puffing at your fragile house in KZN.  There's Commander in Chief of singin', dancin' ground forces, the shouting, pouting Julius Red Rioting Hood Malema. Don't let the 0 to 3 percent scores in by-elections fool you. These guys are on the march, fire issuing from their nostrils.

So, it is somewhat understandable that you would take refuge in the realm of fantasy and fairy tale. Tintswalo tripping through the Mzansi woods, the noble ANC, having vanquished and negotiated with the big bad wolf, now filling her basket with RDP, NSFAS and social grant goodies for grandma and the whole family. Yes, it does make one cringe, doesn't it? When power stations, people and hope are taking a battering as never before. So taking refuge in Tintswalo Land is understandable, but not forgivable. No one serious about our future should forgive you at the polls. No one serious about our survival should forgive you at the polls.

As for the parties mentioned above. Why anyone would take them seriously; why anyone would think them capable of addressing complex problems and restoring some hope and optimism to a battered nation, is a question beyond rational analysis. The burner burns. The destroyer destroys. Only a very few understand and have the skills to build. Breathing fire and slaughter, revenge, hatred and impossible Uhurus also belongs in the land of fantasy. Tintswalo reloaded. Dark cave stuff from the dark past. There it needs to stay. We have had our fill of darkness. 

A little light, please, South Africa.

Mr Ramaphosa, the man-who-preferred-the-public-hospital folk tale was insensitive in the extreme.  We do expect insensitivity from the ANC. It's how you roll, blue lights accompanying. Let the people who queue all day, daily, tell you how crass that was. You wouldn't understand the misery, especially for the elderly, of being ill, weary, shunted, disrespected, treated in grudging, cavalier fashion, waiting, waiting, waiting. 

Why should you? Tintswalo.

Yours in the struggle for some truth and decency.

Richard 

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Trump, Zuma, Malema for President

Dear Mr Trump 

You could have destroyed your campaign with that remarkably witless comment about NATO. 

Fortunately for you, it doesn't matter to the cult members what you say. You could sing 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' to thunderous applause. We, in the sh..hole countries (as some clown once referred to us), know this well. We have our share of populist politicians with mandibular dislocation (python-like mouth stretching). 

And you call Joe Biden a mental basket case.

It's intriguing that you so resemble our own Zuma, Malema and others. Every time you open your mouths, you destroy any remaining illusions about your fitness for office. I'm not saying that you couldn't be presidents - of, say, a small football club. 

This does beg a question. Which came first: sh..hole politicians or sh..hole voters? Important, because we seem to be digging ever bigger sh..holes around the world, wielding our democratic rights and privileges as a mean brat wields a hammer.

I'm glad that we are not NATO members. We sometimes have a little trouble paying bills. And you said that bills must be paid. Or else. (I love it when you go all persuasive and diplomatic). Terrible if you encouraged Russia to attack us for unpaid  bills. Of course that's academic. Russia would never attack us. They are our loyal mast..., pardon, mates. When the West was giving them the cold shoulder, we even loaded a uniquely South African product, fokol, onto one of their ships one night. (See The Scuffle Continues : Bringing Fokol to the World: https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2023/05/bringing-fokol-to-world.html )

Nevertheless, your idea is not without merit, applied elsewhere. Banks could not only refuse to help errant debtors,  but even encourage willing third parties to attack them. As I was saying to my bank manager when he complained about my....er, that's not really relevant here. Mr Trump, when you were in business, did you....., nah, perish the thought.

Well, sir, thank goodness for sh..hole politics. I wouldn't be too concerned, if I were you. Prattle on.

Yours in the struggle for significance on the global stage.

Richard 

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Promised Land

Dear Mr Ramaphosa 

I joined your electrifying (in a purely figurative sense) State of the Nation address rather late. 

I was delayed while compiling a letter of commiseration to Mr Malema. I agree with him that the barring of EFF politicians from disrup....., pardon, attending the address is undemocratic. I might add: racist, white-tendencied, bloody agent-like, counter revolutionary and also not nice. I am willing to kill and / or die (or all of the above) for the principle that highly paid, privileged legislators may behave like nyaope inspired hooligans if they so desire. Also that nyaope users may behave like honourable members if they so desire.

But, to the purpose of my letter. I was moved, inspired, intoxicated by your address - between brief power naps. I do not understand why some people responded negatively. I suppose that's what one can expect from recipients of white privilege,  who will complain at the slightest inconvenience e.g. rampant, brutal crime, occasional daily power outages, some regular corruption and other minor irritants.

What I'm really interested in is the country of which you spoke so poetically. The land of Tintswalo. It can't be the Western Cape, because that's run by that party whose sole preoccupation is to bring that Apartheid thing back from exile. Then we'll all be in worse shite than we already are. They disguise the intention and the activity by pretending to provide good services and law and order. Cunning. But, like the Daily Sun, some of us see through the subterfuge ('Die Son Sien Alles'). As for me, I was moved to tears of laugh..., I mean, joy and a bit of inexplicable retching.

Fascinating, this land of which you spoke, sir, flowing with the milk of government  kindness and the honey of money lavished on the people's most urgent needs. In some countries that would be  international court cases, statues, tender projects in progress, song and dance in council meetings. It so reminded me of the song Big Rock Candy Mountain. To honour your eloquence, here's an excerpt from White Rock Candy Mountain:

On a summer's day in the month of Feb,  the president came a walking
Down a carpet red, past the honour guard, his outfit smart and striking
As he strolled along he sang a song of a land of milk and money
Where Tintswalo grew and laughed and played in a garden oh so sunny

The opportunity and the BEE,  the gushing money fountain
Where the good stuff is  and a life of bliss in the white rock candy mountain

Sir, please provide more detail on the land of Tintswalo. 

Who would want to leave South Africa, with its glittering promise of peace, prosperity and harmony, its friendly people (just dive into X and see for yourself)  and visionary leadership in the ANC, EFF, Mkhonto weSisu and other progressive organizations.

But you have been to the mountain top (White Rock Candy Mountain) and seen the promised land. 

Who can resist?

Yours in the struggle and the long trek to the promised land.

Richard

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.

RIP Tintswalo

Dear Mr Ramaphosa 

 

I am very sorry to put a damper on your inspirational and eloquent State of the Nation address.

 

I tried to rush this message through to you earlier but was hampered by load shedding, which I know will end very soon. I thought that I should let you know that Tintswalo was tragically killed this morning. She was caught in a crossfire,   during a cash- in- transit heist, carried out by some heavily tattooed villains. 

The ambulance carrying her to a private hospital  was delayed by some strikers,  who blocked the road.  they also tried to pull her out of the ambulance. Perhaps she would have been better off being taken to a public hospital. Yes, she might have waited all day, but apart from that, I am sure that the service would have been excellent, as per the example that you gave last night. By the way, please do let us know where this unique public hospital is. It has to be the exception of exceptions. But these things do happen. 

After all, I've heard of Home Affairs officials who can organise documents with nice names like Lerato Ndlovu in a remarkably short time. Not sure whether it's a free service.

Incidentally, Mr Cele was right to focus on alcohol and illegal smoking during the lockdown period. The villains were reported to have been chugging on beers and chain smoking while discharging their AK47s and other weapons.  Loud gqom music almost drowned out the gunfire (I think he warned us about gqom, too).

This leaves Tintswalo's elderly parents in a rather difficult situation.  Of course the magnificent ten rand increase in their pensions is a great help.  But, as you know, prices tend to rise almost daily. I think that had they been receiving the R350 grant as well, they might have been able to open a flourishing ice cream or sandwich shop business.

Tintswalo's  mother collapsed while queuing for the third full day at Home Affairs to replace her lost identity document (lost during a minor mugging).This was after the ever-helpful security person told her that there is no special queue for seniors. "This is not SARS", he added helpfully. She has had some difficulty accessing various services as a result.  

Nevertheless, one hopes that the ever helpful Home Affairs officials will be able to assist her.  I know that they did a great job for some newly arrived immigrants from neighboring states.  Perhaps her local councillor can help as well, when he's not at a budget function or SALGA training to improve service delivery.

She is due to pay her fourth visit to her local clinic today and hopes to finally get to see a doctor or nurse. The clinic has been rather busy providing excellent services to a flood of investors from various countries. (Great how we attract investors across, or under, the border fences).

Tintswalo's  father is a graduate who paid his own way in the days before NSFAS. Unfortunately, despite Mr Patel's sterling efforts in trade and industry, his sector shrank dramatically and he was retrenched. His age was against his finding other employment. Well, you and I know that even young people can find employment only by divine intervention or that of relatives or blessers in government. For older people, the gates of the economy are firmly shut. I'm sure that, in the Uhuru to come that you spoke of last night, Mr Patel or some other energetic, innovative comrade will address that.

Mr Cele might want to attend Tintswalo's memorial service (may her soul rest in peace). It would be a great comfort to hear him speak of population growth, alcohol and other matters that give us hope in the darkest times. 

Sir, you yourself, if not occupied with some think tank or task group, might want to take the opportunity to campai.., pardon, comfort us. 

In addition to conveying the sad news, I wished to congratulate you on a confident, upbeat performance at the SONA.

So good to know that, apart from crime and corruption run wild, depthless bumbling, incompetence and waste, we are doing well. Mr Gigaba did once prophesy that "we gonna be alright".

One cannot but admire the unquenchable optimism of your Party. 

'Dreams are good friends', says the song. 

Particularly when you have alienated all others.

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Racist Perverts and the CIC

There is much to marvel at on X, as the 'best minds of our generation' unburden themselves of the deep things in their hearts and minds.

The tweet below should be compulsory reading for students of literature, philosophy and psychology.

"Twitter should bar racist fools and perverts from tagging the CiC's account!!because whenever they are bored from their lives characterised by denial of old fast approaching old age,erectile dysfunction and permanent sexual fantasies and they just tag CiC for attention."

I wonder what was said to trigger this clearly, carefully thought out analysis. Racism, perversion, erectile dysfunction, the dread of approaching old age, permanent sexual fantasies  - all deduced from brief comments on X. Man, you are as sharp as a cutthroat razor. You sound like a practising psychiatrist. I lose sleep over the volume of execrable stuff that oozes out on social media. Do you think you might be able to help me too, after analysis of this article? 

Yes, I can well imagine that some bugger in the thrall of perversion, permanent sexual fantasy and the other stuff, would look up from whatever perverse thing he or she was doing and exclaim:

"I know what! I'm going to tag the CIC's account. Ooh, the ultimate thrill. Pant, moan, gasp..."

I suppose tbe CIC is that sort of chap.

How well you know these perverse, racist types, sir. There's a whole niche practice for you there. You need to go out there and heal our land. Just a small point. If they have permanent sexual fantasies, could they be bored as well? Perhaps they are boring fantasies. You would know about this sort of stuff.

I certainly agree that they should not disturb the CIC with their racism, perversions etc. One doesn't disturb a high priest of the revolution with that sort of stuff. He has high priestly and revolutionary things to do that affect the fortunes, not only of South Africa, but also of Africa. The cul..., I mean, the organisation depends on it.

I have no doubt that you can spot racism a county away. It's all around us, isn't it? I'm reminded of a song (apologies for tinkering):

I feel it in my fingers,

I feel it in my toes,

Racism all around me,

It's everywhere I go.

Ooh, it's blowing in the wind

That's how the feeling goes.

Thank goodness for you eagle-eyed spotters of racism, erectile dysfunction, permanent sexual fantasies and other dire threats to the nation. Under the EFF, South Africa will be safe and serene.

Just as long as racist, old age dreading perverts keep their erectile dysfunction and permanent sexual fantasies to themselves.

Mr Musk, please act promptly.

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To Serve and to be Kind, Comrades

A 'bag lady' walks into the most elegant and expensive department in a well-known store. 

She gets the treatment that any well-off customer would get. A man of the cloth, who has been watching curiously, asks the sales assistant why she treated the lady with such patience and courtesy,  knowing that she was most unlikely to buy anything. The assistant replies:

 "Sir, we are here to serve and to be kind."

The cleric is so impressed that he makes the incident the subject of his Sunday sermon. He asks his congregation:

"Are you here to serve and to be kind?"

Dear South African civil servant, what would be your answer?  Dear Mr President, dear cabinet, dear MPs, what would be your answer?  

Staying with our store chain, a top executive visits one of the stores. As is customary,  a flock of senior staff accompanies him on his store walkabout. He peels off suddenly in mid-conversation  to serve a customer that he has spotted waiting.

 Let me follow time-honoured South African practice,  and state the obvious, as do our politicians and political commentators.  There are several self-evident truths. 

 1. The culture of a company,  government department or even a country is seen and felt only in encounters  between people. The rest is words. Of no value whatever.

 

 2. Nothing  teaches more effectively than example.  It's simple but it has never been easy.  Certainly a lot cheaper and of longer lasting impact than a six million rand state of the nation show.  Among others this is what managers, politicians and presidents are paid for. Handsomely. To set the best example.

 

There's more to the 'bag lady' story.

In the congregation that Sunday were a couple of journalists.  They wrote about the incident and the chain's brand, already strong, became legend.

 

The other obvious lesson is that, out of such  intangibles as values and vision, come the greatness of an organization, a country, a people. If they are lived consistently. It would be foolish to think that success comes without the other elements -  planning, competence, knowledge, among others. I suspect that we, and in particular our government score extremely poorly on all of these. Well, it's more than a suspicion.  The evidence Is all around. 

 

We have had citizens battered senseless by blue light bodyguards. We have a member of Parliament who simply drops her tray  to the floor on an aircraft because she, a great ANC MP,  cannot wait any longer for it to be collected.  We have the member of  ANC royalty, who, when questioned about the bewildering  circumstances around the acquisition of her driver's license, answered:

“I don’t have time to stand in queue. I am not required to stand in queues at airports and things.”

As they say in the adverts, there's more, much more.

 

Dear voters, out of such arrogance and indifference, you really expect caring service? 

I have not mentioned betrayals and blunders. But a leadership that never misses an opportunity to act unworthily and dishonourably in the little things, is going to lead you nowhere but to decay and disintegration.  No matter how great the promise of your organization or your country. A brand of shame.

That is a fact.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Far Gone Country

The Brits are hopeless at politicking. At least if the recent interview of the leader of their opposition is anything to go by.

How does the man expect to become a political demigod if all he does is to speak quite rationally and sensibly about plans for the economy? One can't worship a fellow who sounds like the bloke next door, or at least a couple of doors up, in the wealthier area. There was no foaming at the mouth, yelling threatening and cursing;  nothing to get the blood pumping  and the heart rate up.  He wouldn't last a week in South African politics.

 

This man missed the golden opportunity to blame the Vikings, the Germanic tribes the Franks, the Dutch  for all of the UK's present ills.  I would have issued a couple of thinly veiled threats to everyone in the UK named Frank, that he / she / they needed to depart for their ancestral homelands.  And leave the UK to the original Celtic people, who dwellt in peace, harmony and prosperity for many long years. 

I just received an email urging me to earn cash from my couch. It was from one of those survey companies that pay ten cents for an hour's worth of survey work.  That reminded me of how creative our own politicians are. They have made advances in banking, real estate, the ultra-modern, multi-use furniture  movement, construction, farming  and any other  endeavour that you care to name. Genuine Renaissance men and women. Our future is bright.  

I wish I could say the same  for your country, Sir Keir Starmer. It's no wonder that we thrashed you at iSandlwana and could probably do the same today with our elite, modern, well equipped military. You may play soccer reasonably well but Bafana would whip your national team on any good night - say one with intense Durban humidity and loadshedding.

I sent the good knight a couple of videos of Mr Malema and Mr Zuma in action. I like to be helpful. Now that's how it's done, sir. I would pay close attention to the dance moves and the stirring lyrics of the Boer bashing song and the one about weaponry. This is the sort of stuff that appeals to the discerning, analytical voter. Of course, if you don't have those in your country, it does pose a slight problem. We have nothing but.

I fell about laughing when I read of politicians in the UK resigning, or being sacked, for mistakes and misdemeanours. Resign - whatever for? (Or, as we'd say here: For who? For what?). There are promotions, deployments and redeployments galore for the loyal cadre. What's a small mistake involving a billion or two, compared to years of unflinching loyalty to the Party? 

These fellows actually forced a prime minister out over a couple of Castle Lites or whatever they drink there. Ridiculous. 

We have a fellow dodg..., pardon, facing over a dozen charges. Many people ask, quite reasonably:

"Where's the evidence?" and

"Why don't you report him at your nearest police station?"

You see, we South Africans are nothing if not scrupulously fair. After all, all that there is to date is a few hundred hours and pages of testimony.  And the condition of various state departments, after his enlightened reign, though that can be traced back to apartheid  - and van Riebeeck. Obviously, that evidence needs to stand the rigours of the trial process before there's any talk of 'proof'. Now that would have happened long ago, but for the state's bewildering resistance to Mr Zuma's reasonable request for a different prosecutor. And illnesses - something no -  one can predict or plan for. Not even, Mr Zuma, who prophesied of the end of the ages.

The other thing that makes the UK lag behind us is the limited choice of parties to vote for. (I tell you that this is what will destroy the US as well). We have over a hundred or over two hundred, depending on what one reads. That's real democracy in action - lots of kak parties to choose from. 

Sir Keir Starmer, those videos are on the way, with a bonus collection of the wise sayings of Hlaudi Motsoeneng, Dr Ace Magashule and Fikile Mbalula. They are a bit short, but dense.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Mbalulafication

Dear Mr Mbalula 

 

In these difficult times, a good laugh is always a welcome thing. 

 

I just viewed a wonderful video in which you said that the ANC fought load shedding, corruption and state capture. And also creates jobs. 

Sir, it is not wise, sensible, or even normal to boast of all the thrashings that one has been dealt in fights. Worse, you've been thrashed by the Frankensteins of your own inept creation. It was horse manure, but hilarious horse manure. Up there with some of your best performances at the open mic.

 I hope that the ANC appreciates what an absolute ass..., er, asset you are. 'A gem of purest ray serene'. Cometh the election, cometh the man.

 

If these had been school examination subjects, you and your party would have been lucky to score F-minus on each of them. What's more, we will not be allowing you to rewrite in 2024. Demotion to kindergarten is now your best and brightest prospect. 

 

One assumes that you Mr Malema and many comrades attended the same classes in buffoonery. And excelled. Topped the class.

Here are some suggestions to beef up your campaigning. Take a leaf out of the book that your comrades are reading aloud. Haltingly, but aloud.

1. Make subtle threats about  losing grants and the return of apartheid. Via the DA's sinister back door. And where will the ice cream empires come from then?

 

 2.  Expand on the apartheid theme. Remember that every ill that has ever beset this country can be laid at the door of that still - lurking villain. Without apartheid,  there would be no corruption, no inefficiency, no incompetence. Uhuru  and  Utopia would have  arrived long ago were it not for the van Riebeeck legacy. 

3. Don't forget that you now also have Zuma to blame. There is a wonderful treasure chest of stuff that you can lay at his feet. Just be careful to omit that he was an ANC member,  president and your boss. One hopes that we too, with our notoriously short memories, will have forgotten. You must grasp that mkhonto by the shaft. Before your party is shafted.

 

4. You also need to vigorously attack the DA for resisting decolonization of the Western Cape. They have severely impeded the revolution by making it safe clean and orderly.  What clichés, slogans, dances, songs and stand-up routines have they given to the people of South Africa?  None,  I tell you. On second thoughts, in view of their dismal performance in those critical areas, perhaps you should not mention them at all. 

 

5. Don't forget Bafana's terrific victory over Morocco; inspired, of course, by your own performance.  Who knows what would have happened had Mr Zizi Kodwa not  taken the time to coach the team last week?  It needed a comrade to set right what that white coach was failing at. Pretty much the same as what happened at Eskom.

Sir, there's a fair chance that you will take a  bit of a bollocking at the polls but don't let that stop your mbalulaficating. 

As I said, we need all the laughs we can get in these dreary times.

Yours in the struggle for good, South African stand-up comedy.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Beloved Country

Dear Mr Musk

 

You should never have left South Africa. 

You would have had a ball here. Of course you would need to share your ball with some BEE partners. Our unions are a reasonable bunch. All that they want is to control the means of production. And, perhaps, a couple of other less important things - like who is in government. That would take a lot of worry off your mind - you know,  rockets exploding on takeoff, that sort of thing. Why, I think that you would have had people on Mars already. 

(Perhaps having some trouble bringing them back, but let's not fret about unimportant details).

Most importantly, you would not have been subjected to the indignity of that ridiculous Delaware judgment. It's almost as absurd as charging Mr Zuma with corruption, racketeering and other fascinating stuff. The man's clearly as pure as the Texas snow. 

Here, in our great country,  you could happily have stored your  fifty-six or fifty-eight billion in a couch. Okay, I know that doesn't sound quite right. Admittedly, you would need several couches, I imagine.  If you had launched your star thingamajig (the internet thing) here, we would have feted you as we celebrate Bafana. Once you had decided, of course, to give all South Africans free access. That's because we get  buggerall

else for free here.

According to reliable sources on X, South Africa is run by a  Mr Rupert, a white fellow.  It could just as well have been you. you certainly have more style and charisma than Mr Rupert,  who never even appears on television.  We like our leaders to have a high public profile. The Guptas at least appeared regularly.  

Of course if the whole Great White Leader Behind The Scenes story is true,  then perhaps you could even veto the sharing of the ball. What's left of South Africa would be your oyster or perlemoen.

There would be a challenge or two. But which country does not have such little challenges as intermittent electricity, incompetence, corruption,  buffoonery in high places, runaway crime,  porous borders, suicidal foreign policy and so on?  Nothing that a man who aims for Mars could not handle. 

You would also have to put up with being called a settler,  land thief, colonialist and other complimentary stuff.  All of these are meant with respect and affection. I wouldn't worry too much. A couple of brown envelopes or black refuse bags tend to settle differences in South Africa. Many conflicts on matters of principle have been effectively resolved in this way.  Mr Liebenberg and Mr Mazzotti,  for example, apparently  gained acceptance and a reputation as fine upstanding citizens, because of their philanthropy.  Bosasa carved out a reputation as an outstanding corporate citizen, after donating cash and groceries to those in need of more.

 

I could list many more advantages. Our consistent, ethical and moral approach to foreign affairs is but one.  Our ability to turn a 350 rand a month grant into a thriving  ice cream business is another. We are working on ways to turn said grant into wine farms and factories. One could go on but I believe that the case has been made. It's a no-brainer. 

On the subject of brains, if your chip can improve government and voter decision making here, it's going to be a major success anywhere. 

Come back, Elon. All is forgiven.

Yours in the struggle for a business-friendly environment where entrepreneurs like you can flourish like the sage in Texas.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723