Gutted

 Dear Mr Ndlozi

"Whatever the cause! Whatever the intentions: IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FIRE"

We all know that schoolboy who shouted out the first thing that came into his mind.  Debating the inanity of 'brain farts' is as pointless as discussing the dangers of nyaope with an addict.

You are a big boy now. And a legislator. With that come some responsibilities. First among them is to ensure that your brain is in gear before your mouth speeds off. 

A TV news reporter said that the chamber was gutted. We, South Africans, are all responsible for that. The gutting began when we voted for representatives whose sole talent lay in regurgitating desiccated chunks of useless doggerel. It continued when we re-elected them after each orgy of buffoonery and destruction. Gutted, indeed. 

Your PhD is often mentioned, as if that should be some assurance of commonsense. I can only quote: 

'The prime contribution of many 'educated' people on our continent has been to support demagogues, buffoons and thugs in speeding us down the excrement- coated slide to ruin.' 

The waste of our tax rands aside, it must surely be difficult being in a position where you are so manifestly out of your depth. I feel for you. 

One can but pass on the advice given by the HR gurus: 'Play to your strengths'. Isn't there a good circus somewhere...?

Yours in the struggle to find logic and commonsense.

Richard 

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Great Balls Of Fire

Dear Fellow South Africans 

This is a first for the House of Parliament. For decades we have had heat without light. Today we've had both.

I was devastated at the thought of priceless treasures being incinerated. Bottles of Klipdrift, Johnny Walker... Please tell me that the bar was saved.

There's the usual, wild speculation about the cause of the fire. MERDE (Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies) has already been hard at work. Unlike the sprinklers. What I am about to reveal may shock you. And the president. Let me make it clear that neither waterboarding nor continuously looped tapes of ANC speeches played backward will ever induce me to reveal my sources.

I have it on very good authority, and can now reveal, that oxygen, heat and fuel played a major role. All that remains (apart from piles of wet ash), is for us to identify the source of each. Our report will be ready at the same time as the Zondo Commission report and the comprehensive report on the twelve instigators (known in some quarters as The Filthy Dozen).

 

The only good to come out of this disaster is that two of my heroes have been vindicated. 

The curfew should have remained in place. I'm sure that Mr Cele was moved by the mystical intuition common to the professional policeman, when he issued his stern warnings. It would not surprise us to learn that loiterers were responsible. Probably playing loud Gqom music on ghetto-blasters to mask the noises of their mischief-making. 

We should have taken a leaf out of Mr Zuma's book. Not the car-boot edition. An olympic - sized fire - pool may well have saved the day. 

Too late for recriminations and regret. But let's have them anyway. 

Yours in the struggle for health, safety and the protection of the environment.

Richard

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Auld Lang Syne, Mr Cele

 Dear Mr Cele

You issued a warning about breaking curfew on New Year's Eve  / New Year's Day.

I was offended when someone called you a 'useless doorknob' on social media. I have found most doorknobs to be quite useful. Besides, he spelled it  as 'door knob'.

He raged about drug dealers, terrorists openly carrying machine guns, CIT robberies and hijacking, destroying the country. All of this is most alarming but he omitted incompetent and corrupt politicians and officials. The worst of it, though, is that he called you a dimwit. That cannot possibly be true, as I read that you qualified as a primary school teacher. 

 'All that he cares about is curfews', he went on to say. Patently untrue, sir. I know that you also care deeply about alcohol. You mention it more often than any of the other things that your critic was going on about. You were also quite passionate about cigarettes at one stage.

I was somewhat mystified by this part of your statement:

We will shut down all those that are operating illegally and those who are operating legally and break the law by playing Gqom music, underage drinking and selling alcohol after curfew will be prosecuted.

I did not know that playing Gqom music was illegal. I don't know what kind of music that is, and now don't care to know. It sounds dangerous. Even the onomatopaeic sound of the name suggests bludgeoning someone into unconsciousness.

“The only place you are allowed to drink at is your own home listening to soft music".

 I have prepared my playlist. ' Sounds Of Silence'. Killing Me Softly' and 'Careless Whispers', among others, will see us glide noiselessly into 2022. There will be no Gqom and should I hear any, drifting or pulsing from neighbouring houses, I will be on the phone to you. Post haste. 

Loitering is out of the question. Should an emergency arise on the stroke of midnight or after (say, the need for a cup of sugar or more soft music), would a brisk walk be in order?

Yours in the struggle against curfew-breaking and loud Gqom-like music.

Richard 

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Mr Cele's Christmas Spirit

 Dear Mr Cele

I have been waiting hungrily for the nuggets of wisdom that you are wont to dispense so generously. 

With this wonderfully succinct summary of the law, my Christmas cheer is complete:

“The law says nobody moves, nobody drinks, nobody gets drunk after midnight."

I am reminded of the biblical quote: "On this hangs all the law..."

 Sir, this puts me in a somewhat awkward position. I have been tucking into Christmas pudding and fruit cake, rich with an infusion of fine brandy. The turkey stuffing also has some interesting ingredients. And of course, there's a liberal helping of vin in the coq au vin. I must confess to feeling pleasantly mellow already. And there's still the margarita tarts and brandy jelly to follow. 

Sir, i have great respect for the spirit and the letter of the law. Far be it from me to toy with technicalities, as some renowned South Africans do. I could argue, though, that I am eating, rather than drinking, my way to alchoholic nirvana. I believe I comply.

The problem solves itself anyway. I expect to be comatose come midnight. This is a step beyond drunk and I'm sure that Mr Mpofu could make a rock-solid case. The prohibition on movement, apart from twitches and grunts, is also complied with. 

Yours in the struggle against irresponsible alcohol  consumption.

Richard 

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Broad Based Criminal Empowerment

 Dear ANC Leadership 

I write to you in my capacity as chairperson of the South African Board for Professional Criminal Practice (SABPCP).

We note with dismay the following, posted on social media:

"Under the ANC's rule an illegal immigrant from Zimbabwe was a manager at Human Settlement. A Lesotho illegal immigrant was a municipal manager. Now, a former assistant director at Home Affairs is also an illegal immigrant. How many  illegals are working in gov? @MYANC is not fit."

I write to point out that criminal activity is not a scarce skill in our country. On the contrary, since the days of Jan van Riebeeck, we have blazed a pioneering trail through the once dense jungle of global crime. There can be no justification for importing skills that we should, in fact, be exporting. Our own criminals are highly skilled. Indeed, at the peak of the profession.

Mr Zuma and Ms Mbete pointed out that Jan was the father of crime in South Africa. I think the Dutch East India Company pulled a Castro on South Africa (remember the Cuban criminals exported to the US?), and dredged the gaols of Amsterdam. Jan was obviously a notorious Person Of Interest. Introducing rape, fraud, theft, slothfulness, incompetence and buffoonery to our pristine shores. Clearly, our borders were porous at the time. Another tradition that we have faithfully maintained.

Nevertheless, since then, we have done extremely well on our own. No patronizing colonialists looking over our shoulders and making snide, superior comments on our criminal competence. We excel at every level and in every field and discipline. Long before you dared dream of Broad Based Black Economic Empowerment, our Broad Based Criminal Empowerment was taking the country by storm (sometimes a storm of bullets).

We have always been loyal and patriotic, 'Steal South African' our slogan. Why are we rewarded thus?  Should we not hear from you within seven  days of receipt of this letter, our lawyers will begin legal proceedings. They advised us that a class suit is out of the question as you have no class. 

We employ some of the sharpest legal minds in the country. Not unlike that chap who's been in and out of the courts lately. Whatsisname.... Be warned.

Yours in the struggle to preserve our sovereignty.

Richard (Righteous) J Mann 

Chairperson: SABPCP

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A New Cadre

 Dear ANC

I was intrigued by one of your t-shirts, adorning a chap selling some dubious cigarettes outside The Workshop. 

I think it's yours. Brilliant yellow, with one of those inspirational Party slogans:

'Building a new cadre for the second phase of the revolution.'

You left out 'glorious'.

I am glad that you are building a new cadre. The old ones didn't work that well. Yes, they could reel off  Party clichès at the drop of a revolutionary beret. But not much else. 

In an RET candidate list on social media, one of the bright stars, Ms Mokonyane, was described as a 'mechanical politician'. And a tried and tested one to boot. Puzzling, at time of reading. Now, with the t-shirt slogan, also in mind, it becomes vividly clear. Building cadres, mechanical politicians.... Like Mr Zuma, I put two and two together. An 'Eish' moment!

I picture a cavernous underground lab, like a robot-buiding facility in a sci-fi movie. Your scientists bustle about, one eye on the revolutionary schedule and the relentless clock. 

 "How's the II coming along, Comrade?"

"Huge improvement on Model I. Remarkable Partyspeak vocabulary. Excellent responses in the simulations. Just need to smooth out the grasping movements."

 I don't know which election campaign this particular t-shirt line was designed for. You might be on phase 5 of the revolution for all we know. I just don't recall phase 1. Unless reversing at speed counts as a phase. 

Anyway, I do hope your new model signals a great leap forward.

Yours in the search for the Complete Cadre.

Richard

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Zuma, Giant

Dear Fellow South Africans 

"You must be delusional", a Zuma supporter kindly advised me.

I thought I'd better check, as I have been troubled of late by strange, probably unnatural, thoughts about the rule of law, the constitution, commonsense. Things no South African in his right mind should be troubled about.

I looked back. Mr Zuma once faced 783 charges but those were dropped. They've shrunk, I think, to a mere 16. Not so bad, then. 

He came in as what The Mail And Guardian called 'a compromised  candidate'. The People knew better. He has since danced his way into and out of the presidency, scandal, various courtrooms and prison.

But let's not forget his support for business. The Sunday Times  quoted him as assuring business people that everything they touched would multiply if they supported the ANC. A business champion who could show King Midas a thing or two.

I had forgotten his sage warnings to those contemplating leaving the ANC that they would attract the wrath of the ancestors. And also, bad luck. You don't want to do that. You'd be better off smashing mirrors. 

I have to acknowledge his skills at root cause analysis. 

Jan van Riebeeck's arrival in Cape Town was the beginning of all South Africa's problems.

Damn you Jan: corruption, incompetence, crime, buffoonery - the list goes on. Bloody agent. You should have drowned on the voyage over. Well, at least, we know the root cause. 

Renaissance man that he is, his latest tell-some book flew off the car boot - like hot cakes. I hope he expanded on the revelatory doctrine that the ANC is 'blessed in heaven' and that its voters will be blessed on 'earth and in heaven'. Theology made simple. I wondered why the blessings have been scarce in the last decade or so. It's clear now.

And, of course, the man's a staunch defender of the constitution. 

"We are a constitutional democracy. We must deal with things properly within the framework of the law and then the constitution."

So, the constitutional court's finding had me puzzled:

"The President thus failed to uphold, defend and respect the Constitution as the supreme law of the land."

As did this interesting statement from the great man:

You have fewer rights because you are a minority. Absolutely, that’s how democracy works.

Nevertheless, Mr Zuma supporter, I see the error of my deluded ways. The scales have fallen from my eyes. 

I can but quote the pope in the movie, who said of Francis of Assisi: 

"This man is a giant."

Yours in the struggle for clear sight and commonsense.

Richard 

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