Saturday, 8 January 2022

The Humour Of Gwede Mantashe

 Dear Mr Mantashe 

It just pours out of your mouth, doesn't it - the wisdom, I mean.


'ANC chairperson Gwede Mantashe said on Friday he was opposed to the prosecution of leaders of the ruling party implicated in the Zondo commission..... Mantashe said the report should rather be used to review ANC mistakes and rebuild the organization.' (Mail & Guardian).

Unfortunately, there are some minor problems with this proposal, which would otherwise have been as brilliant as the January midday sun in Durban.

 A friend, convicted of redeploying several cars, used the very argument to no avail, just before his sentencing. I suppose, taken to its logical conclusion, it could empty the gaols of murderers, rapists and the like. And fill the cemeteries and hospitals.

In the twenty-seven years of your party's glorious rule, we've seen little appetite for reviewing, renewing or rebuilding - anything. A little-publicized scientific discovery in Wentworth, Durban, revealed that an absence of skaam cells in the body makes such renewal impossible. We've seen promotions, deployments and redeployments, instead of dismissals. In less developed societies, disgraced officials tend to keep a low profile. But we are a society free of the evils of discrimination. No stigmas here. Proud to be South African.

The composition of your integrity commission (richest of ironies) is a joke that only the ANC missed. 

I quote again:

"What do you think the ANC is, Father Christmas? I don't know where this notion comes from that we are a collection of individuals who have conscience. We are members of ANC in a party political system." (Your words)

'Wise words, sir. Proven true. The absence of conscience, collective or otherwise, has been amply demonstrated through the years' (My words)

Sir, to give any serious thought to your proposal, even for a nanosecond, would require a childlike faith that:

Pigs are perfectly capable of flight

Leopards can have a makeover

Wolves can, with a little persuasion, convert to a vegan diet

I can only conclude that your famous sense of humour was in play and that your rather clever joke has been misunderstood.

Yours in the struggle for fresh humour.

Richard



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Thursday, 6 January 2022

Wenzeni uZuma?

 Dear Mr Zuma

Just this morning I awoke from restless sleep, muttering "Wenzeni uZuma?" (What has Zuma done?).

I'm hoping that the newly released Zondo Commission report will help me answer that question. I was alarmed and dismayed when 'The President's Keepers', 'Enemy Of The People' and books in similar vein landed in the bookstores. Fortunately, you explained that those were novels. Wonderful imagination, that Pauw chap. And the other authors.

I am currently immersed in the SAA portion of the report. It sounds as if business and governance were much more fun on your watch. I was enthralled by the account of the Jet Airways meeting. The report finds it odd that the minister would wait for two hours for the Jet Airways person, then sit silently, while that person behaved inappropriately toward his staff member. Easily explained:

1. Part of the humble, man-of-the-people approach, brilliantly modelled by your august self.

2. Mr Gigaba was probably simmering, fuming and also a little pissed off. He wisely chose not to speak. As he could not trust himself. Until he had calmed down. By which time, the meeting was over. Had he been blessed with your musical talent, he would quite probably have called, in song, for his machine gun.

You will have noticed, sir, that I am already poking holes in the report. I intend to continue, intermittently diving into your book for inspiration. 

A rather large number of people testified at the commission hearings. The pages of transcribed oral evidence and the documentary evidence run to numbers that I would not trouble you with, sir. Adept though you are in reading the stories that the numbers tell. Nevertheless, sir, those of us who prize loyalty will continue to support you. Though Birnam wood be come to Dunsinane.

Just a couple of points before I return to scrutinizing the report.

I don't know whether you listed the illuminati and George Soros among the forces of evil arrayed against you. If not, now would be a good time.

 I do hope that your second book will be coming to a car boot near me anytime soon. I'd like to offer you a signed copy of my own book, 'Dear Mr Zuma'; fulsome in praise, staunch in defence. Unfortunately, I do have to charge (It's January), but just a fraction of the R1000 you were asking. Say, three quarters.

Yours in the struggle for justice, truth and a buck or two.

Richard 




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Tuesday, 4 January 2022

Gutted

 Dear Mr Ndlozi

"Whatever the cause! Whatever the intentions: IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FIRE"

We all know that schoolboy who shouted out the first thing that came into his mind.  Debating the inanity of 'brain farts' is as pointless as discussing the dangers of nyaope with an addict.

You are a big boy now. And a legislator. With that come some responsibilities. First among them is to ensure that your brain is in gear before your mouth speeds off. 

A TV news reporter said that the chamber was gutted. We, South Africans, are all responsible for that. The gutting began when we voted for representatives whose sole talent lay in regurgitating desiccated chunks of useless doggerel. It continued when we re-elected them after each orgy of buffoonery and destruction. Gutted, indeed. 

Your PhD is often mentioned, as if that should be some assurance of commonsense. I can only quote: 

'The prime contribution of many 'educated' people on our continent has been to support demagogues, buffoons and thugs in speeding us down the excrement- coated slide to ruin.' 

The waste of our tax rands aside, it must surely be difficult being in a position where you are so manifestly out of your depth. I feel for you. 

One can but pass on the advice given by the HR gurus: 'Play to your strengths'. Isn't there a good circus somewhere...?

Yours in the struggle to find logic and commonsense.

Richard 



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Sunday, 2 January 2022

Great Balls Of Fire

Dear Fellow South Africans 


This is a first for the House of Parliament. For decades we have had heat without light. Today we've had both.

I was devastated at the thought of priceless treasures being incinerated. Bottles of Klipdrift, Johnny Walker... Please tell me that the bar was saved.

There's the usual, wild speculation about the cause of the fire. MERDE (Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies) has already been hard at work. Unlike the sprinklers. What I am about to reveal may shock you. And the president. Let me make it clear that neither waterboarding nor continuously looped tapes of ANC speeches played backward will ever induce me to reveal my sources.

I have it on very good authority, and can now reveal, that oxygen, heat and fuel played a major role. All that remains (apart from piles of wet ash), is for us to identify the source of each. Our report will be ready at the same time as the Zondo Commission report and the comprehensive report on the twelve instigators (known in some quarters as The Filthy Dozen).
 
The only good to come out of this disaster is that two of my heroes have been vindicated. 

The curfew should have remained in place. I'm sure that Mr Cele was moved by the mystical intuition common to the professional policeman, when he issued his stern warnings. It would not surprise us to learn that loiterers were responsible. Probably playing loud Gqom music on ghetto-blasters to mask the noises of their mischief-making. 

We should have taken a leaf out of Mr Zuma's book. Not the car-boot edition. An olympic - sized fire - pool may well have saved the day. 

Too late for recriminations and regret. But let's have them anyway. 

Yours in the struggle for health, safety and the protection of the environment.

Richard

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Thursday, 30 December 2021

Auld Lang Syne, Mr Cele

 Dear Mr Cele


You issued a warning about breaking curfew on New Year's Eve  / New Year's Day.

I was offended when someone called you a 'useless doorknob' on social media. I have found most doorknobs to be quite useful. Besides, he spelled it  as 'door knob'.

He raged about drug dealers, terrorists openly carrying machine guns, CIT robberies and hijacking, destroying the country. All of this is most alarming but he omitted incompetent and corrupt politicians and officials. The worst of it, though, is that he called you a dimwit. That cannot possibly be true, as I read that you qualified as a primary school teacher. 

 'All that he cares about is curfews', he went on to say. Patently untrue, sir. I know that you also care deeply about alcohol. You mention it more often than any of the other things that your critic was going on about. You were also quite passionate about cigarettes at one stage.

I was somewhat mystified by this part of your statement:

We will shut down all those that are operating illegally and those who are operating legally and break the law by playing Gqom music, underage drinking and selling alcohol after curfew will be prosecuted.

I did not know that playing Gqom music was illegal. I don't know what kind of music that is, and now don't care to know. It sounds dangerous. Even the onomatopaeic sound of the name suggests bludgeoning someone into unconsciousness.

“The only place you are allowed to drink at is your own home listening to soft music".

 I have prepared my playlist. ' Sounds Of Silence'. Killing Me Softly' and 'Careless Whispers', among others, will see us glide noiselessly into 2022. There will be no Gqom and should I hear any, drifting or pulsing from neighbouring houses, I will be on the phone to you. Post haste. 

Loitering is out of the question. Should an emergency arise on the stroke of midnight or after (say, the need for a cup of sugar or more soft music), would a brisk walk be in order?

Yours in the struggle against curfew-breaking and loud Gqom-like music.

Richard 

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Saturday, 25 December 2021

Mr Cele's Christmas Spirit

 Dear Mr Cele


I have been waiting hungrily for the nuggets of wisdom that you are wont to dispense so generously. 

With this wonderfully succinct summary of the law, my Christmas cheer is complete:

“The law says nobody moves, nobody drinks, nobody gets drunk after midnight."

I am reminded of the biblical quote: "On this hangs all the law..."

 Sir, this puts me in a somewhat awkward position. I have been tucking into Christmas pudding and fruit cake, rich with an infusion of fine brandy. The turkey stuffing also has some interesting ingredients. And of course, there's a liberal helping of vin in the coq au vin. I must confess to feeling pleasantly mellow already. And there's still the margarita tarts and brandy jelly to follow. 

Sir, i have great respect for the spirit and the letter of the law. Far be it from me to toy with technicalities, as some renowned South Africans do. I could argue, though, that I am eating, rather than drinking, my way to alchoholic nirvana. I believe I comply.

The problem solves itself anyway. I expect to be comatose come midnight. This is a step beyond drunk and I'm sure that Mr Mpofu could make a rock-solid case. The prohibition on movement, apart from twitches and grunts, is also complied with. 

Yours in the struggle against irresponsible alcohol  consumption.

Richard 

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Thursday, 23 December 2021

Broad Based Criminal Empowerment

 Dear ANC Leadership 


I write to you in my capacity as chairperson of the South African Board for Professional Criminal Practice (SABPCP).

We note with dismay the following, posted on social media:

"Under the ANC's rule an illegal immigrant from Zimbabwe was a manager at Human Settlement. A Lesotho illegal immigrant was a municipal manager. Now, a former assistant director at Home Affairs is also an illegal immigrant. How many  illegals are working in gov? @MYANC is not fit."

I write to point out that criminal activity is not a scarce skill in our country. On the contrary, since the days of Jan van Riebeeck, we have blazed a pioneering trail through the once dense jungle of global crime. There can be no justification for importing skills that we should, in fact, be exporting. Our own criminals are highly skilled. Indeed, at the peak of the profession.

Mr Zuma and Ms Mbete pointed out that Jan was the father of crime in South Africa. I think the Dutch East India Company pulled a Castro on South Africa (remember the Cuban criminals exported to the US?), and dredged the gaols of Amsterdam. Jan was obviously a notorious Person Of Interest. Introducing rape, fraud, theft, slothfulness, incompetence and buffoonery to our pristine shores. Clearly, our borders were porous at the time. Another tradition that we have faithfully maintained.

Nevertheless, since then, we have done extremely well on our own. No patronizing colonialists looking over our shoulders and making snide, superior comments on our criminal competence. We excel at every level and in every field and discipline. Long before you dared dream of Broad Based Black Economic Empowerment, our Broad Based Criminal Empowerment was taking the country by storm (sometimes a storm of bullets).

We have always been loyal and patriotic, 'Steal South African' our slogan. Why are we rewarded thus?  Should we not hear from you within seven  days of receipt of this letter, our lawyers will begin legal proceedings. They advised us that a class suit is out of the question as you have no class. 

We employ some of the sharpest legal minds in the country. Not unlike that chap who's been in and out of the courts lately. Whatsisname.... Be warned.

Yours in the struggle to preserve our sovereignty.

Richard (Righteous) J Mann 

Chairperson: SABPCP

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