Poles Apart

Dear Mister President

I share your pain with the same intensity that I often wish to share some of the stuff that you and the comrades enjoy courtesy of generous tax payers. 

I refer to your recent adventures in Poland.

One can but dimly imagine the shock to Your Excellent Self. Of course,  had you heeded my advice in the first place and taken me along, all of this could have been avoided. I have worked with Polish people in various places and made some Polish friends. Over good Polish food, vodka and bad Polish jokes I gained a keen insight into the Polish mind. (You may have heard the one about Lech Walesa.  It also involves airplanes but that's for another time).

It would not be a gross exaggeration to say that I am an expert on matters Polish. Even more so than Mr Mpofu is an expert on law and your new ministerial chappie on electricity and corruption. Nevertheless,  although I told you so, let us not dwell on what might have been. 

I experienced similar frustration at the Botswana border post, when I was turned back over a trifling matter of 100 cartons of cheap cigarettes. Those were for my personal use, but as you have seen,  bureaucrats can be so petty.  Of course I did not have 13 crates of firearms in my car. Just a Makarov, lent to me by a comrade, for self-defence in the dangerous environs of Gaborone.  

One of your security people reportedly said that the Poles had placed your life in danger.  Sir; I believe that taking along a scaled-down force of some 100 special forces personnel places your life in danger.  Why did you not have more? I understand that some parts of Europe are almost as dangerous as Johannesburg. I do begin to understand why some of our comrades are so against  the West and NATO.  I see, as clearly as Dudu often does, the aggressive, warmongering attitude of these people.

Our Russian comrades would never have treated you in such churlish fashion. Locked you all up or shot you, yes, but never such disrespectful behaviour.

I think that you must Institute a commission of inquiry into this debacle,  immediately on your return. Some retired judges, school principles and Eskom executives should participate. I am willing to serve, having had that extensive experience at the Botswana border. I also think that the attitude of the Poles and the Italians (who would not even let you fly over their miserable  country) needs to be thoroughly investigated.  It would not at all surprise me if apartheid, racism and white privilege were discovered to be the vile ingredients at the murky bottom of this sinister stew.

Sir, I do not mean to bang on ad nauseam, but my presence in your party would have made a major difference. I have experience and expertise in such important matters of international diplomacy as which vodkas go with red meat and which with fish. The Ukrainian language, as spoken by Mr Zelensky,  sounds rather like the growling of someone who has imbibed several draughts of a particularly strong beverage. I would have no trouble with interpreting,  as I have performed similar duties at our local bar. I also have strong sign language skills, having closely studied the fellow who did such an excellent job at the Mandela memorial function.

One more suggestion.  With that number of well armed special forces people, why not make a stop in Lesotho on your return? You could settle the vexing  business of Lesotho claims on parts of our land. 

Now that would be a truly worthwhile peace mission.

Yours in the struggle for peaceful, diplomatic solutions.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Candidates

 Dear fellow South Africans

I am at a loss as to who to vote for in 2024. 

Please advise me as to where each party stands on the following critical issues:

1. Which party has the best braais in terms of both quality and quantity? I am heartily sick of boring pap and cabbage stew.  Does the EFF really have a revolutionary new marinade?

2.  In your opinion, which party's T-shirt would look best on a male of medium height running slightly too fat?  I am easy-going about colours and designs but do prefer cotton.

 3. Which party usually plays the best music to bop along to?  I draw the line at rap and sakkie-sakkie,  but my tastes are otherwise quite eclectic. 

4. Which party is most likely to increase the R350 monthly grant? I am at the point where I would like to scale up my ice cream business. Perhaps even franchise the Cold Comfort brand. 

5.  With regard to etiquette,  I am aware that 'Amaaandla' is the polite response at ANC, EFF and some other rallies.  What does one yell out at DA rallies?  And what about other parties? I received some less than friendly looks when I tried to follow the crowd at a rally and shouted 'hoer, hoer'. These things are critically important. I narrowly escaped a beating at an ANC rally wben I erroneously yelled out, in the enthusiasm of the moment: 'Amaaanga'.

6. I have heard that some parties are keen to bring back apartheid.  Are you aware of parties keen to bring back common sense, some order and some decency?  

7.  I know that many ANC candidates employ a suicide-inducing drone in their campaign speeches. I expect from EFF candidates a Bushiri-flavoured frenzy with an entertaining line in insults. What I'd like to know is which party is best for a good chuckle and a roar or two. It's been ages since I had a good belly laugh,  what with Eskom gnawing into my regular diet of SABC news,  interviews and political commentary.  

How could I ever forget, for instance, some of the political commentators? One pointed out tbat the ANC had trashed the country like a rock band on booze and hard drugs (my words). The punch line was tbat South Africa has no alternative. What! 'The sheep have no alternatives to the wolves and the hyenas. Close your eyes and think of Luthuli House'. I suspect that the SABC plucked that political commentator off a passing  circus train. 

I  did enjoy a chuckle or two at some of the outlandish promises made it past rallies but I'm looking for the real article. 

For me, Mr Malema is the coming man. I saw a video in which he told a French journalist that there are no tensions in South Africa and to stop dreaming and imagining things. I don't know how old the video is, but it's obviously from a time of bliss in South Africa, which I unfortunately missed - perhaps Mr Zuma's golden reign. Boy, he tells those journalists!  Remember that impudent British journalist with rubbish in his pants, which Mr Malema immediately spotted and told him to 'Go out, bastard. Bloody agent!'  ("Rubbish is what you have covered in that trouser").  There's no bloody agent (or small boy with white tendencies) getting by our Julius. He takes things by the scrotum. So presidential. So scrotal.

I trust that I have covered the key issues and challenges that we face as a fragmented nation. In an attempt to be inclusive,  I have also considered the needs of illegal immigrants.

I look forward to your wise, objective counsel. 

Yours in the struggle to vote wisely and responsibly.

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Read My Lips: We Are Neutral

 Dear Mister President. 

I read somewhere that you plan to send envoys to various countries to explain our neutral stance on Russia and Ukraine. 

Sir, I am keen to put my considerable talent for  bullsh...., I mean,  for diplomacy, at the service of the beloved land.  I have a dear friend in Texas.  I watch the news on TV France regularly.  I once worked with people from London.  I often watch the Finnish comedian, Ismo.  As you can see, I have the contacts and background that mark me suitable for international diplomacy.  Modesty forbids that I claim to be an expert on the countries mentioned but it is as good a description as any.   I can confidently say that I am as qualified as most of your cabinet ministers.  With respect, more so than many.  I would never, for example, let a national transport network fall into ruin, seriously contemplate spending massive sums of taxpayers' money on statues or use my head for carrying Russian medicine instead of critical matters of state.  I select these examples at random from an article I read in African Leadership Today.

I am undaunted by the stern (even superhuman) sacrifices demanded by first class flights, rich cuisine and foreign shopping. My country, 'tis of thee....

Should you not select me, then I must point out that this entire junket is actually a massive waste of public funds.   Anyone who cares to examine  our words and actions can clearly see that our neutrality makes Switzerland look jaundiced and aggressive.  One might say, in fact, that we are the very model of neutrality. 

Yes,  so some of our military people  attended a cocktail  evening  with the Russian ambassador on the very day that Russia invaded, sorry, interacted with, Ukraine.  Other ANC members attended a function at the Russian embassy in Cape Town.  Well, did Neville Chamberlain not down a schnapps or two  with the Fùhrer in a similar situation?  Did he not return with the joyous news of 'Peace in our Time'?   I am absolutely sure that our  people intended returning with similar happy news after a few shots of Stolichnaya.

Much was made of our joint military manoeuvres with Russia.  Also of the fact that one of our defence chappies spent some time in Russia, apparently for  some sharing of ideas.  Now to you Americans  Brits and other NATO types,  please understand that there is nothing sinister or untoward in such wisdom- sharing visits.  We know that Lesotho,  our neighbour, has cast covetous glances at some regions in our country.  We need to be able to defend ourselves against the horrendous threat of invasion by a small,  landlocked country, with a vast fleet of highly mobile mountain ponies.  We are therefore grateful to the comrades in Mother Russia for their wisdom and experience.  Incidentally,  I don't really care if Lesotho  takes pieces of the Free State or Gauteng.  It can't be much worse than what some comrade-politicians have already done.  Should they,  however,  try to make a move on KZN, I shall be, in the eloquent phrasing of one of our poets,  sorely  pissed.  I will defend my banana trees to the death.

But back to the matter of our patent neutrality.  Again, much was made of the presence of a Russian ship at one of our naval bases.  Surely this is not the first time that a Russian ship spends time at a foreign naval base in the dead of night.  I should think that that's probably a Russian thing.  Our defence minister clearly explained that we loaded fokol on the Russian ship.  To prove our good faith, bona fides and other stuff, we would be happy to load fokol on your ships as well.  Even at night should you so desire.  We have an inexhaustible supply of fokol and our government is extraordinarily generous in dispensing the stuff.  Ask our citizens and they will gladly attest to the truth of that statement.

I believe that I have comprehensively made the case for our indisputable  neutrality.  We could not be more neutral if we were a little Island in the Pacific wholly  focused on collecting bird guano.

Yours in the struggle for world peace,  neutrality and other useful stuff. 

Richard.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Thanks, Shoprite. Home Affairs?

Dear Shoprite. 

It's rare in South Africa that a service provider actually listens to the customer. Rarer still when action is taken.

Following on our previous friendly discussion about aching knees in the pension queue, and the possible abduction of cashiers by aliens,  this morning was a pleasant surprise. You made a change to the process and it made all the difference. Queues moved quickly. Replenishing of cash at the tills was quick and seamless. Great stuff. 

See,  Home Affairs and every other government department!  It can be done. You can change processes without being struck by lightning.You will not be summoned to a Zondo Commission or something if you improve your processes. I know that you admire the Soviet bread queue model and change can be difficult. If your slogan is that the bum is mightier than the brain, that too can be adjusted.

Home Affairs made a half-hearted attempt with their online system. It worked about as effectively as a pre-loved Lada Niva. It is noteworthy that, of all the government departments, only SARS, the money collectors, have an efficient online system. No gravy, no train, as the Roman senator, Corruptus Omnibus famously said, before being  beheaded for the Roman equivalent of racketeering.  It is strange, Honourable Ones, that you would drive by these ubiquitous queues  time and time again, in your blue light convoys, and think that this is normal. Not only normal but perfectly acceptable. Perhaps even fun. Perhaps particularly for the elderly, who can play the 'how long will my knees hold out this time' game before they pass out. To most state, provincial and city departments,  I should think that you have been told before that your service is crap in any language. In the event that you haven't, here it is: your service is crap, amasimba, Scheisse, merde. For those offended by the choice of nouns: faeces.

You cannot possibly be proud of serving crap to the people of South Africa. That applies to everyone from minister to the staff at the interface. I don't know how often you have been told that you are a bloody disgrace. Well here goes once again. You are a bloody disgrace. there is unfortunately no nice, euphemistic way to put this. Your so-called service to the country sucks, stinks and is aptly described by another  s-word. Of course all of this is like trying to have a conversation with an extremely thick brick wall. 

To Shoprite, please continue the good work. We were served this morning by a brisk, cheery young woman. You might tell some of the other staff that it's ok not to move and look as if they've just come from a week's stay in a morgue.

To the state service providers, muck you.  Muck you very much. 

Yours in the struggle for respect for the customer and a little bit of bloody decency.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

An Injury To One

Dear EFF Leadership

I found the report below most disconcerting. Also  disturbing. 

"The Economic Freedom Fighters has fired a councilor in the Makana Local Municipality in Makhanda for moonlighting as a cleaner at Rhodes University. | @MaliDayimani"

It's not as if the lady had a tender for bridges in Limpopo or something. I choose that example at random. Who can survive in South Africa today without a side hustle? Even Mr Zuma, rumour has it, had a few of those on the go.

 I know that this is a tender subject,  but word is that most politicians have a side hustle of sorts.  Some apparently extremely profitable. I myself have been trying to snag a tender or two for bridges in Limpopo, which apparently were not built on the first tender.

Apart from that, this is a wonderful example of a councillor actually getting her hands dirty. I would have thought that that's what those smart overalls that you guys wear are for.

I believe that this was a symbolic act of great significance.  All about service delivery and the importance of education.  We know that the EFF is the party of highly educated comrades (hence the superior logic that drops from time to time 'like the gentle rain from heaven'). Who can forget Dr  Ndlozi's profound comment on the burning of the parliamentary building:

 "Whatever the cause! Whatever the intentions: IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FIRE" 

No Oxford don ever spoke more eloquently or more meaningfully.  We are blessed  by the quality of our politicians.

Of course, there is also the symbolism of clean  government, which is what every right-thinking person expects when Mr Malema and minio...sorry, managing team grasp the ring. Clean, singing, dancing, chanting government, dispensing justice, land and pithy quotes on dialectical (and other forms of) materialism. One imagines that investors will stream over our borders in ways creative and the more conventional fence crawling approach. Rubbing their weary eyes in joyous disbelief as they behold the EFF - created socialist paradise, in which each person shall possess Gucci apparel and a  Breitling timepiece. One can almost hear the celestial singing of angels as the Pan-African brotherhood of man comes to be in the New South Africa. Hang on, I'm not sure whether the comrades have any truck with angels. Perhaps the singing of demons, then.

The lady should have been rewarded and / or promoted,  not fired. You should learn from the ANC, who readily reward entrepreneurship  and enterprise.  As part of the EFF leadership I imagine that her speeches would have been peppered with examples of capitalist man's inhumanity to man in the work environment. She could have discoursed at length on the hardships that the working class has to endure while plump academics reap the real rewards.

I trust that you will speedily rectify this grossly unfair labour practice. Failing that,  expect a march on your revolutionary premises led by yours truly. I will be clad in overalls and wearing a red beret in honour of the, (in my view),injured party. We will be proceeding from the premise that an injury to one is a snotklap to all. Talking of klaps, I have been told that your responses are sometimes,  in the words of Mad Magazine, of the non-verbal, sensory variety. Let me make it clear that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I am not necessarily alluding  to a Brackenfell type bollocking  of any persons, but merely indicating that we will respond to provocations . I believe that this is also your philosophy. 

I recall that one of your great leaders warned shopkeepers not to provoke marchers  by having their doors open and leaving assorted goodies on provocative display. Your disciplined ground forces could not then be held responsible for deeds done in the throes of gnawing hunger and righteous anger. So impressed was I by this speech, reminiscent of Shakespeare's 'God for Harry, England and Saint George,' that I yelled out an involuntary 'Hallelujah'.

Yours in the struggle for economic freedom through side - hustles.

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bringing Fokol to the World

 Dear Ambassador  Brigety

I trust that you are now satisfied, following this transparently clear statement from our Defence Minister:

South African Defence Minister, Modise: ‘We did not send fokol to Russia, not even a piece of Chappies

(from a news report).

It is a little confusing, as another publication reports:

Defence Minister Thandi Modise said “fokol” was put on the Russian commercial vessel ship, Lady R...

So, perhaps we did load some fokol on the Russian vessel. That is no cause for concern. Our cartoonist, Zapiro produced a  brilliant cartoon of a 'Fokol' rocket on  Russian jeep. The truth is that fokol is actually a nutritional supplement developed by our brilliant, caring politicians to keep South Africans going through the hard times. And indeed many citizens have managed to subsist on fokol for many years. Our politicians, bless their cholesterol clogged hearts, are working extremely hard to distribute fokol to all South Africans, regardless of race, gender/s or place of purchase of identity documents. Light, airy and insubstantial as the ether, this supplement nevertheless imparts the sort of energy that can enable one to march, dance and yell slogans for hours on end. 

Very many of our politicians make sure that they bring fokol to the table in their parliamentary, provincial or local councillor jobs. I think you begin to get a glimpse, sir, of how we essentially run on fokol. Of course, our good comrades, Vlad and friends, have been contributing fokol to us for many years. It was only right that we return the favour by loading the Lady R with some prime South African fokol.

Yes, there is some inequity. Nobody's perfect (Apart from Jacob Zuma and Julius Malema, according to their acolytes). We are concerned that our leaders, in a gallant show of sacrifice, have been deprived of fokol. We, the people, intend to rectify that soon.

As a 'no hard feelings' diplomatic gesture, we would be happy to supply your country with fokol at preferential rates. You need never fear shortages. As long as you keep the benjamins coming, we will keep churning out fokol. Let me assure you that we are good at this - very, very good.

Yours in the struggle to bring fokol to the whole world.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Party for the Poor

 Dear Mr Malema. 

Dr Google tells me that it will cost a mere 1.2 million to rub shoulders and other relevant body parts with you at your upcoming anniversary celebration. 

At my 10th birthday celebration all that I got was a  Chinese-made toy car which disintegrated on contact with a brick wall. I like the way you comrades think -  big and bold. I certainly like the materialistic aspect of your dialectical materialism. In truth the EFF is growing on me, as I am sure it is growing on all right thinking,  sorry, left thinking South Africans. I had already set aside the sum of two million rands for this great occasion. Who would not jump at the opportunity to sit next to the CIC and next president of this great country? I imagine that the revolutionary nuggets that would fall from your lips between bites of the chicken Kiev ( more likely chicken Moskva) would be, well.... revolutionary. They would probably make the works of chairman Mao and that Marx brother look like the Diary of a Wimpy Kid. 

Alas, the recent plummeting of the rand has left me in penury. This comes on top of the destruction of my VBS investments. You are the party for the poor and the stuffed - around. As one of the nouveau-poor, I have a proposal. I plan to hover at a strategic spot where I can hoover up the crumbs of superior logic bound to fall. I do have some listening equipment that I picked up from a novelty store before the rand crash. Needless to say, I am constantly inspired by your eloquence and the profound workings of your beautiful mind. I never understood what that Greek chap meant when he said that there is no difference between life and death.  Until you illustrated it by boldly stating that you would die and / or kill for Zuma. Not necessarily in that order I imagine. 

I would appreciate it if the odd polystyrene container of leftovers could be sent my way. I trust that, at over a million, the food will be of a quality that would have Gordon Ramsay muttering assorted f-words under his breath in envy. Please don't trouble Floyd as I'm sure that he will address his plates with the same dedicated ferocity that he reserves for capitalists and other enemies of the people. I so look forward to hearing of grand plans for smart cities and bullet trains  - sorry, that's the other guy. I meant plans for wide open borders to allow diligent, innovative investors to stream through, hugging designs for new factories and enterprises to their breasts.  Plans for your coronation and for a dispensation that ensures the presence of a plump chicken in every pot, Nando's peri-peri sauce of choice  accompanying. A Brave New World arising out of the ashes and sewage.  I am reminded of this old song, slightly edited:

What we need is a great big melting pot, Big enough to take Moz, Zim and all it's got.

keep it churning for a dozen years or more.

Turn out smiling Panaf brothers by the score.

I am not yet a card-carrying EFF member. I did carry a placard while watching your stunningly successful shutdown march on TV news. All ten minutes of it. I am however ready to be catapulted over the edge by the persuasive force of superior logic and superior cuisine. You will find in me a staunch ally for as long as there is solid doctrine and equally solid chow to be had. 

Yours in whatever struggle you opt for next. 

Richard.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723