Auld Lang Syne, Mr Cele

 Dear Mr Cele

You issued a warning about breaking curfew on New Year's Eve  / New Year's Day.

I was offended when someone called you a 'useless doorknob' on social media. I have found most doorknobs to be quite useful. Besides, he spelled it  as 'door knob'.

He raged about drug dealers, terrorists openly carrying machine guns, CIT robberies and hijacking, destroying the country. All of this is most alarming but he omitted incompetent and corrupt politicians and officials. The worst of it, though, is that he called you a dimwit. That cannot possibly be true, as I read that you qualified as a primary school teacher. 

 'All that he cares about is curfews', he went on to say. Patently untrue, sir. I know that you also care deeply about alcohol. You mention it more often than any of the other things that your critic was going on about. You were also quite passionate about cigarettes at one stage.

I was somewhat mystified by this part of your statement:

We will shut down all those that are operating illegally and those who are operating legally and break the law by playing Gqom music, underage drinking and selling alcohol after curfew will be prosecuted.

I did not know that playing Gqom music was illegal. I don't know what kind of music that is, and now don't care to know. It sounds dangerous. Even the onomatopaeic sound of the name suggests bludgeoning someone into unconsciousness.

“The only place you are allowed to drink at is your own home listening to soft music".

 I have prepared my playlist. ' Sounds Of Silence'. Killing Me Softly' and 'Careless Whispers', among others, will see us glide noiselessly into 2022. There will be no Gqom and should I hear any, drifting or pulsing from neighbouring houses, I will be on the phone to you. Post haste. 

Loitering is out of the question. Should an emergency arise on the stroke of midnight or after (say, the need for a cup of sugar or more soft music), would a brisk walk be in order?

Yours in the struggle against curfew-breaking and loud Gqom-like music.

Richard 

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Mr Cele's Christmas Spirit

 Dear Mr Cele

I have been waiting hungrily for the nuggets of wisdom that you are wont to dispense so generously. 

With this wonderfully succinct summary of the law, my Christmas cheer is complete:

“The law says nobody moves, nobody drinks, nobody gets drunk after midnight."

I am reminded of the biblical quote: "On this hangs all the law..."

 Sir, this puts me in a somewhat awkward position. I have been tucking into Christmas pudding and fruit cake, rich with an infusion of fine brandy. The turkey stuffing also has some interesting ingredients. And of course, there's a liberal helping of vin in the coq au vin. I must confess to feeling pleasantly mellow already. And there's still the margarita tarts and brandy jelly to follow. 

Sir, i have great respect for the spirit and the letter of the law. Far be it from me to toy with technicalities, as some renowned South Africans do. I could argue, though, that I am eating, rather than drinking, my way to alchoholic nirvana. I believe I comply.

The problem solves itself anyway. I expect to be comatose come midnight. This is a step beyond drunk and I'm sure that Mr Mpofu could make a rock-solid case. The prohibition on movement, apart from twitches and grunts, is also complied with. 

Yours in the struggle against irresponsible alcohol  consumption.

Richard 

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Broad Based Criminal Empowerment

 Dear ANC Leadership 

I write to you in my capacity as chairperson of the South African Board for Professional Criminal Practice (SABPCP).

We note with dismay the following, posted on social media:

"Under the ANC's rule an illegal immigrant from Zimbabwe was a manager at Human Settlement. A Lesotho illegal immigrant was a municipal manager. Now, a former assistant director at Home Affairs is also an illegal immigrant. How many  illegals are working in gov? @MYANC is not fit."

I write to point out that criminal activity is not a scarce skill in our country. On the contrary, since the days of Jan van Riebeeck, we have blazed a pioneering trail through the once dense jungle of global crime. There can be no justification for importing skills that we should, in fact, be exporting. Our own criminals are highly skilled. Indeed, at the peak of the profession.

Mr Zuma and Ms Mbete pointed out that Jan was the father of crime in South Africa. I think the Dutch East India Company pulled a Castro on South Africa (remember the Cuban criminals exported to the US?), and dredged the gaols of Amsterdam. Jan was obviously a notorious Person Of Interest. Introducing rape, fraud, theft, slothfulness, incompetence and buffoonery to our pristine shores. Clearly, our borders were porous at the time. Another tradition that we have faithfully maintained.

Nevertheless, since then, we have done extremely well on our own. No patronizing colonialists looking over our shoulders and making snide, superior comments on our criminal competence. We excel at every level and in every field and discipline. Long before you dared dream of Broad Based Black Economic Empowerment, our Broad Based Criminal Empowerment was taking the country by storm (sometimes a storm of bullets).

We have always been loyal and patriotic, 'Steal South African' our slogan. Why are we rewarded thus?  Should we not hear from you within seven  days of receipt of this letter, our lawyers will begin legal proceedings. They advised us that a class suit is out of the question as you have no class. 

We employ some of the sharpest legal minds in the country. Not unlike that chap who's been in and out of the courts lately. Whatsisname.... Be warned.

Yours in the struggle to preserve our sovereignty.

Richard (Righteous) J Mann 

Chairperson: SABPCP

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A New Cadre

 Dear ANC

I was intrigued by one of your t-shirts, adorning a chap selling some dubious cigarettes outside The Workshop. 

I think it's yours. Brilliant yellow, with one of those inspirational Party slogans:

'Building a new cadre for the second phase of the revolution.'

You left out 'glorious'.

I am glad that you are building a new cadre. The old ones didn't work that well. Yes, they could reel off  Party clichès at the drop of a revolutionary beret. But not much else. 

In an RET candidate list on social media, one of the bright stars, Ms Mokonyane, was described as a 'mechanical politician'. And a tried and tested one to boot. Puzzling, at time of reading. Now, with the t-shirt slogan, also in mind, it becomes vividly clear. Building cadres, mechanical politicians.... Like Mr Zuma, I put two and two together. An 'Eish' moment!

I picture a cavernous underground lab, like a robot-buiding facility in a sci-fi movie. Your scientists bustle about, one eye on the revolutionary schedule and the relentless clock. 

 "How's the II coming along, Comrade?"

"Huge improvement on Model I. Remarkable Partyspeak vocabulary. Excellent responses in the simulations. Just need to smooth out the grasping movements."

 I don't know which election campaign this particular t-shirt line was designed for. You might be on phase 5 of the revolution for all we know. I just don't recall phase 1. Unless reversing at speed counts as a phase. 

Anyway, I do hope your new model signals a great leap forward.

Yours in the search for the Complete Cadre.

Richard

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Zuma, Giant

Dear Fellow South Africans 

"You must be delusional", a Zuma supporter kindly advised me.

I thought I'd better check, as I have been troubled of late by strange, probably unnatural, thoughts about the rule of law, the constitution, commonsense. Things no South African in his right mind should be troubled about.

I looked back. Mr Zuma once faced 783 charges but those were dropped. They've shrunk, I think, to a mere 16. Not so bad, then. 

He came in as what The Mail And Guardian called 'a compromised  candidate'. The People knew better. He has since danced his way into and out of the presidency, scandal, various courtrooms and prison.

But let's not forget his support for business. The Sunday Times  quoted him as assuring business people that everything they touched would multiply if they supported the ANC. A business champion who could show King Midas a thing or two.

I had forgotten his sage warnings to those contemplating leaving the ANC that they would attract the wrath of the ancestors. And also, bad luck. You don't want to do that. You'd be better off smashing mirrors. 

I have to acknowledge his skills at root cause analysis. 

Jan van Riebeeck's arrival in Cape Town was the beginning of all South Africa's problems.

Damn you Jan: corruption, incompetence, crime, buffoonery - the list goes on. Bloody agent. You should have drowned on the voyage over. Well, at least, we know the root cause. 

Renaissance man that he is, his latest tell-some book flew off the car boot - like hot cakes. I hope he expanded on the revelatory doctrine that the ANC is 'blessed in heaven' and that its voters will be blessed on 'earth and in heaven'. Theology made simple. I wondered why the blessings have been scarce in the last decade or so. It's clear now.

And, of course, the man's a staunch defender of the constitution. 

"We are a constitutional democracy. We must deal with things properly within the framework of the law and then the constitution."

So, the constitutional court's finding had me puzzled:

"The President thus failed to uphold, defend and respect the Constitution as the supreme law of the land."

As did this interesting statement from the great man:

You have fewer rights because you are a minority. Absolutely, that’s how democracy works.

Nevertheless, Mr Zuma supporter, I see the error of my deluded ways. The scales have fallen from my eyes. 

I can but quote the pope in the movie, who said of Francis of Assisi: 

"This man is a giant."

Yours in the struggle for clear sight and commonsense.

Richard 

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Write On, Mr Zuma

Dear Mr Zuma

I have just read that you may once more take the shortest route, without passing 'Begin' or collecting R200. 

I suggest that we can squeeze this life lemon into a refreshing martini. Your creative juices are on the boil. Your first book has the critics in a Covid-like fever of excitement.  Herman Charles Bosman wrote Cold Stone Jug in a similar environment to the one you are bound for. Jeffrey Archer, too, did some fine work in the aforementioned jug. Then there was Caryl Chessman with 'The Kid Was A Killer'.  He was executed but I don't think it had to do with book quality or content. So, that's not a concern. I think that the quiet, orderly environment and the company of many creative people has much to do with it. I look forward to the pot-boiler that is sure to come. For a signed copy, I'll be happy to dig deep. (Not R1000 deep, but we can perhaps negotiate?).

Sir, you need not concern yourself about the new bull, while you are on sabbatical. Your people are used to handling lots of bull, I mean, bulls. 

 No doubt, we'll be hearing learned opinion from your supporters on how unfair this is. We will almost certainly  hear of captured courts and a captured judiciary. I understand. I have also found the law to be quite restrictive, for example, when I have felt the need to throttle the breath from a deserving person.

Sir, I suggest that you gather pen, paper and your thoughts. Surf the wave.

Yours in the struggle for inspiration.

Richard

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The Book Of Jacob

 Dear Mr Zuma

I have always felt a close kinship with you. (Well, since a few years after I was born). 

This is, in part, because we are both sons of the fertile, black, KZN, banana-and-maize-  bearing soil. (And beans). I now feel a solid cementing of that kinship. We have both, with mighty labours and the acute  pangs of childbirth, given life to books on our favourite theme: the life and times of one Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma.

My book, 'Dear Mr Zuma', is, of course, a tribute to you (what else?). Your achievements have been downplayed, probably with malice aforethought by the spies mentioned below and their cunning WMC / Stellenbosch handlers. I wish that I could, like Mr Yeats, write them out in a verse. 

As that English chap wrote:

The evil that men do lives after them,

The good is oft interred with their bones.

Here, then, for posterity, is some of the good:

Many words have been coined to describe our politicians. Which politician can lay claim, though, to having coined a new word? In the heat of parliamentary battle, you plucked out of your bosom the melifluous 'meandos'. Creativity in full flow.

You ably demonstrated to us that numbers (like the gruesome practice of cat-skinning) can be used in many ways. Is not creativity far more important than mindlessly parroting our math teachers? I, for one, am grateful, as I try this innovative approach with SARS and creditors. 

Your fire pool is a seamless marriage of the best of engineering and innovative design thought. Why have two systems when one can work as well? One can both swim and put out fires. Not simultaneously, of course. No, hang on...

You made your mark in geopolitics. Colonial map drawers had us fooled about the true size of the African continent. Until you took measurements. And also showed us that No River Runs Through It.

Your subtle humour and infectious laugh saw us through many difficult times. I can't remember now, what caused the difficulties. My analyst calls it a PTSASD (Post Traumatic South African Stress Disorder) coping mechanism. I think it was also on your watch that the laws on marijuana were relaxed. This probably helped some South Africans get through, and probably laugh through, said difficult times. In the tough world of political comedy, even Trump couldn't hold a candle to you. Then again, he had electricity.

The story that some unqualified people had senior police posts during your tenure merely illustrates how serious you were about opportunity for all (Or is it some? Bit confused here). Anyway, who hasn't played cops and robbers as a child? That's some preparation, isn't it? Is not play the mother to work skills?

 Sir, I am sure that your book is packed with adventure, homespun wisdom, humour and dark tales of treachery in high places. Who can forget your cryptic references to legions and battalions of spies, during your too-brief Zondo Commission appearance?

 A  fleeting glimpse into a shadowy world, upon which, I'm sure your book will turn the fierce, unrelenting glare of discovery. 

One can hardly wait to read what, I am confident, will be South Africa's answer to War and Peace.

Yours in the struggle with the written word.

Richard  

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Bull

 Some Ethekwini councillors visited Mr Zuma and presented him with a bull. Typically, my cynical, disrespectful friend said that the bull had come home to roost

I was outraged. I hate mixed metaphors. I also don't know what he meant. Anyone...

Fortunately, the councillors cleared up several important issues. The gift had nothing to do with:

1. Mr Zuma's alleged role in helping them win eThekwini

2. Gaining his support for Ms Gumede's career moves

For those of us who are pure of mind, nothing could have been further from our thoughts. Yes, the cynical and the suspicious are among us. The heart of man is desperately wicked says The Good Book. 

The councillors merely wished to ask about Mr Zuma's health and to wish him well. Who of us would not do the same for a friend? And if we had some spare bulls, I'm sure we'd take one along

They also sought his sage advice before embarking on a five year journey of selfless service to you and me, dear fellow Kayzedenner. Who better?

According to a news report, eThekwini councillor Ntandoyenkosi Khuzwayo said: “It’s customary for us as Africans that when you visit a person in their own home you bring a gift. Particularly when you are visiting the male head of a household you bring a gift in the form of a cow or cattle.”

This does explain my frequent sightings of cows and bulls in our suburb, which has a sociable, tightly-knit community. It's all clear at last.

"We did a symbolic thing, it's biblical to take your first fruit and give it to the priest. The bull was too big for the trailer we had got and so we had to get another trailer, so that was why we were delayed in getting here.”

Mr Zuma was reportedly ordained by some pastors, so I cannot quarrel with the priestly thing (even though that's a bit Old Testament).

Of course, if they'd used a symbolic bull in this symbolic thing (say, a can of Bull Brand corned beef), there would have been no trailer problems.

The king received an SUV, Mr Zuma a bull. I'll take a Namaqualand sheep from any of the other parties. Address below. 

South African proverb: A little bull goes a long way..

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Fragrances For Africa

 Dear Santa

Word on the street is that our president is sorely in need of a pair of big, brass balls - for his Christmas tree. Thought I'd get that request in early.

I notice that your popularity has waned in South Africa over the years. You are, after all, a white male with a penchant for undocumented forays into sovereign African states. On the positive side, your travels leave no carbon footprint. Reindeer dung is biodegradable and probably makes excellent fertiliser. You also come bearing free gifts, unlike the pre-election T-shirts and braais that carry a high, hidden cost.

I'd like our cabinet ministers and politicians to be of good cheer during the season of peace and goodwill. When they sneeze, or pass gas, well, you know what happens to the whole country. Hence my feverish, online search for the perfect gift.

The Le Humaine range of fragrances is the gift for the politician who has everything else. Please bring a plentiful supply of each of these fragrances:

Humilitè: Beautifully understated, subtle fragrance with the quality of a fresh breeze.

Le sens commun: No cloying, flowery notes here. A clean, honest fragrance that one either loves or hates.

La compètence: A strong, pleasing fragrance, just a small bottle of which lasts more than 27 years. 

La compassion: A deceptively gentle fragrance that lingers on for a surprisingly long time. 

We are desperately in need of something clean, fresh and lasting. Elsewhere, the answer may be blowing in the wind. Here, it's more than a hint of decay and decomposition.

Yours in the struggle for peace and goodwill.

Richard 

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Bugger The People

At our much-loved Home Affairs department I experienced again the power of the BTC approach to service. For those unfamiliar with government's cutting-edge service model, it's short for Bugger The Customer.

This trickles, or gushes, down from the overarching BTP value - Bugger The People. I am sure that you are at least familiar with the ubuLongwe (manure) philosophy

 uMuntu nguMuntu ngokuganga ngaBantu. Roughly translated: I am a person because I can mess other people around. 

Walk up to this department and you enter a bad forgery of one of the famous paintings of hell. People in various stages of discomfort, tiredness, boredom, anxiety and hunger queue endlessly. Scurrying about like little demons, are people selling places in the queue and everything else from chairs and overpriced photos to black pens. A gruff security person directs some who have been queuing for an hour into a new queue. 

Confusion reigns within and without as mysterious directions are given on each step of the highly classified process. Thank goodness for those who have gone before. That's  the only uBuntu in evidence. They helped fill in the pieces of the dreary puzzle. 

While the Home Affairs we know and love fulfilled all my low expectations, I was surprised to see similar scenes played out at a well-known retail store. Pensioners played musical queues as cashiers would suddenly disappear like the decuplets or a famous lawman. It might have helped to announce: "I've run out of cash. Please be patient. Back in ten hours." Then again, why spoil the fun of playing Guess What Happens Now with a little communication? 

There are three pillars of customer service excellence (call me for details, if mystified). They are not confusion, communication chasms and queuing for pleasure. But perhaps this service, in true BTC vein, is regarded as A Great Favour. 

Not much has changed. As in the good old days of Hendrik, John and Pieter, the poor, the powerless, the vulnerable are thoroughly disrespected. It's probably so worldwide. 

We're just so very, very good at it.

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