The Toilet Zone

 Have you ever fought a seemingly unending infestation of cockroaches, bedbugs or other nasties?

Even repeated doses of Blue Death (not the Democraic Alliance . a powerful insecticide) don't work. The bast....,er,  bugs seem to thrive and multiply instead, crawling out of nooks and crevices.  That's corruption and thuggery in South Africa today. 'Dios mio' the Mexican drug cartel bosses would say, crossing themselves in awe.

A state employee found two gentlemen waiting for him in his locked  office. 

"You are holding up our project", said Tweedledee and Tweedledum, as a friendly conversational opener.

"Why haven't you processed the payments?"

Our hero replied that he had no idea what they were talking about. The high priests of monkey business magnanimously absolved him of all blame and left him with this benediction. He was to await instructions from his boss and then to act speedily. 

In rapid succession followed these events:

A call from a government minister abroad, urging him to act quickly on the instructions to come.

An email message from his boss.

Neatly prepared documents from said boss, for his  suddenly important signatures , authorising payments,

Such authorizations were normally done by his boss.

His mother did not raise a fool.  Instead of the documents, he signed his resignation letter. 

 I am happy if you think this a fiction. The person who told me the story is young. She has a family. Much living to do.

It is the sort of story you will find repeated many times, in many South African settings. Discoverable,  If only our police were not preoccupied with Other Important Matters, too many of our journalists with sensatiotion and scandal, our politicians with power and petty rivalry. 

If you think, fellow South Africans, that we are in excrement., you are  half right. We are at the murky bottom  of the largest pit toilet a tenderpreneur could knock together. Drowning. 

It is frightening how little we know of the real business of South Africa. How deluded we are in believing  that there's even the smallest semblance of normality in this country.

There is a teeny possibility that the transaction above might have been perfectly innocent. Just agencies working in mysterious ways for the national good, right?

If we dispensed with notions of rainbows and melktert in the sky,  we would have to concede that:

1. We would need to have about five years of top to bottom auditing and investigation to flush out the vermin 

2. Anyone who so much as glanced at the cookie jar with longing would need legislative therapy 

3. We don't have the will, the stomach and perhaps not even the skills 

That exercise would probably work only through a benevolent dictatorship. Or even a malevolent one, provided it was honest. Of course, that won't happen We are an exemplary constitutional democracy. One might say that we are rather thoroughly rogered. 

Working then, from the 'if you can't beat them' dictum, I've devised a plan, We are heartily sick of pretence, deception, hypocrisy, gaslighting (even if it is  gas from our kindly Russian Comrades). 

My Transparency in Corruption Party (TCP) will ensure that all South Africans, regardless of race, gender, place of origin or border fence penetration point, will:

.1.Be fully informed of all corruption plans, initiatives, projects

2. Be able to participate fully and fairly in corrupt activities in their areas and through the following agencies:

  The Citizens' Corruption Agency  (CCA)

  The Senior Citizens' Corruption Agency (SSCA)

  The Youth Corruption Agency (YCA)

  The Women's Corruption Agency (WCA)

  The Infants and Children's Corruption Agency (ICCA)

  The Illegal Immigrants Corruption Agency  (IICA)

3. Be able to munch on the succulent, worm-filled fruits of corruption.

We will put an end to the horrific use of hitmen 

, (izinkabi - literally 'oxen'), to settle scores. We will employ the talents of izimbuzi, (literally 'goats'), to administer the occasional, deserved, light thrashing. Sjamboks to be used only in extreme cases of stubbornness.

There may not be a way out of the mess but this is a way to participate fully in the mess, as active, concerned  citizens should. 

Shoddy, incompetent corruption activities will not be tolerated, Excellence in Corruption our motto.

If we're to go to hell in a handbasket, let's not drag it out. Let's do it equitably, efficiently expeditiously.

It's our turn to chow down.

Vote for us. By innovative means, we'll ensure that elections are free, fair and favourable.

Do it well, or not at all, our other motto.

Once we're done, which shouldn't take long, we could find creative ways into Zimbabwe, Lesotho, Malawi and other brotherly and sisterly destinations. Leaving South Africa to the other vermin.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

+27 833970723